"When I died, will I be missed?"
It crossed my mind some time ago. Don't get me wrong, I think about death a lot. You don't need a sucky life to think about death. You don't need to be depressed or stressed or feel unloved or bullied to think about death. Simply because everyone dies--whatever they do or think or feel. So in my defense, I think it's perfectly normal for a mortal being that I am, to think about death in daily basis.
Yeah, back to that. Will I be missed? I thought that I want people to miss me.. to feel like my presence is important. To feel like it's a shame for them not having me around anymore. I thought.
But now that I think about it, I think the fact that I might be missed is a burden. It makes me... I don't know. It burdens me.
I don't really mind dying. Well... even if I do it'll happen anyway so why bother, right? But other than that, I just don't think of me dying is a big deal. Leaving whatever is behind me or what awaits... I don't really mind--I don't really care. Not because I'm sure of whatever I'll face after death, also not because I don't like what I have in life and not because I don't have a dream.
I just don't mind.
Mortals die.
So it doesn't really matter really.
But when I thought that I'll be missed, that people I love would be sad...
It makes it hard for me to not mind anymore.
I don't want people I love to be sad. I know what it feels like to be left behind and it's really sad.
I don't want people I love to be sad like I have--even more if it's because of me.
But more than anything, it burdens me--not being able to not mind anymore.
In the end, I'll die. Just like any other mortal creatures.
At that time, I'd probably don't really mind. So please don't make me feel otherwise.
Then again, I can't blame anyone if they miss me sometimes. So it's okay, miss me. But don't miss me too much because when you miss someone too much you're bound to be sad. I just don't want my death makes people I love sad.
(I don't want my death makes people happy either--that sounds really bad.)
p.s. Written originally some time in early 2014
