Sometimes you just miss them

At one point I remember your presence

Offering comfort when I am tired

Or relaxed

Or angry

Or sad

I remember that I will come home not to you, but to others like you.



But I miss you. For me you are special.

So even when I am out there, thinking of where I will lay my head to sleep. Or to read things. Or to
play games. Or to cry myself out.

And remember that it will not be you, but others like you,

I will wonder what makes you special.

If it's just time that imprint your presence in me, or that it was the comfort that I find in you.


Then again,

If it's just time, it is just a matter of how long I will come to get used to others like you,

or if it's the comfort, then there are probably thousand others that will be able to offer me the same thing.

(Sometimes I asked myself if I refuse to believe that anything is just special because they are.)

So you are 'replaceable'.



But.

It remains that I miss you and you are special to me.

(It also remains that I will still sleep and find comfort in other beds.)

(Probably not as good as you. For me you are the best)




I miss you, bed.
(And my pillows and huggies back home. All 8 of them)
(You guys are the squishiest)

Coral Adventure

 

 

 

 

Can you even afford making mistakes when everything you do in life is never about you alone?

 

"To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others."

— Albert Camus

p.s. anti-climatic, like real life

p.p.s yes I use this quote twice.

Heart Breaks and Desires

It never occurred to me that a day will come when I experience heart break.

Three years ago was probably the waking moment. My heart is broken and nothing in the world matters anymore. The funny thing is, even before that--way before that--it has been years that I come to believe that nothing in the world matters.

But I never knew the weight of my believe,
until it happens,
and I then truly understand the feeling of nothing matters anymore.

Anyway!

I know my heart breaks then, but it was obvious. Now I understand that sometimes my heart breaks, and it is not obvious, because I don't really think such things are capable to make my heart broken. But it happens! I'm hurt.

Sometimes they don't even mean it, but I am hurt. Maybe because what it implies. I know that people who are close to you are the ones with most power to hurt you, but I didn't realize how powerful it actually is until recently. I mean, it is not the first time I was hurt or my heart was broken because of them, but I just realized this.

I realized that I love them, and they probably will never understand how much I love them, will never know how much they mean to me, will never know how much I shed tears because of them. They love me too, I know that, but I don't think it's close to what I have for them. Or maybe pretty close. But I still think that they don't love me as much as I do. I know this. I know. I accept this already.

That is why it's really fascinating.

That
even though I love them. So much.
There is one thing
that I will not, ever, compromise to not want.

And nothing will stop me from wanting them and welcome them to my arms.

I have been waiting.
(Not patiently, but I have been waiting for a while now)

And when it knocks on my door, nothing will stop me.
Even if it costs me to hurt the people who are capable of breaking my heart.


And
when I realize how I much I want it.
I come to wonder
if I have already fallen in
(trapped by)
(in love with)
the idea of it.


And if I have.

I wonder what is stopping me from actively chasing it in the first place?

On Making Friends

"Have you made friends?"

I got this question a lot. I do want to have friends, but now it kinds of make me wonder about friendship--something that I am not very sure about since the question pops up from time to time:

Is making friends suppose to be easy?

A lot of people ask me this, and I kind of get the idea why it is important for me to have some. But there is this thing that bugs me because I got the sentiment that I should've make some in certain occasions.

But making friends is hard. I don't even get how or when did you become friends with someone. Every time I went to this event, or join a society, or attend a seminar even--people ask me if I made friends there. Honestly? I don't know. I talked with some people, but does that mean I am friends with them then? How much of social interaction is enough to make me understand that we are friends? All this time, friends are people whom I get to know because we share the same space often (like class or organization) and it was build with time until I gradually get that they don't mind my existence and that I like hanging around them. I think at least there is a conducive environment to interact and common background that we share to be friends with someone.

(Even then I know that these relationships are bound to end, because sometimes there is just no situations where we can interact or we've changed plenty to have anything in common anymore) (But it's ok isn't it if nothing lasts forever why should friendship be an exception)

So yeah. Is common to... be one in a certain amount of time? Because I don't think I am pretty good at that.

What I want to say is that I don't think making friends is easy. Or maybe it's just not easy for me. I want to have friends, it feels good to have friends. But it's not easy... there are a lot of things that entail by being friends. I know that it's ironic because I don't really have certain expectations of friendship as long as it satisfy my social need (one-sided friendship is a thing, no? I embrace it), but I value this notion of friendship, and I hope as I try to be a friend, I managed to do it well.


p.s. One time I talked to my housemate that I am bad with people, and she said "I don't think you're bad with people, we only met yesterday and I think it's like we've known each other for a while." little did she know that it's not me who's good (with people)--she just makes it easy for me to do so.

Feels in London

I think I've always have this problem when I enter a new environment. I find it adorable. I want to get everything fast. Like I want to do everything and the time seems really short. Previously when I was in Singapore, I am too lazy to explore things and ended up doing things I know with people I am comfortable with. I love that too. But I really remember the time when I make myself cry for being confused whether I want to stay at home or like go out and explore cuz that's what I am.

Oh right. For everyone who don't know (and for the old me to remember) I am in London right now. Pursuing my master. I feel inadequate. I am in a rush. I want to be smarter soon. I want know a lot of stuff fast. I want to learn a lot. I want to have friends soon. I want to go to many pretty places too. I know I can't, and I know I'm being childish for not being able to control my mind from wandering, but I find it funny.

Because I know I shouldn't. I know I have all the time in the world. And even if I don't, it's fine cuz I know it doesn't matter to me anyways. I am fully aware of how many are things that actually want to do and how many are things that are there waiting for me to try them--not necessarily the things that I find interesting, but really have no problem trying I suppose. I know I am rushing myself. It is unnecessary and it drains me. I know that already. I am never patient, maybe this is my chance to learn.

I also have this new feelings... Like I suppose that the me rushing thing is also old feeling I just recognize recently so this one might also be the same, and I am unable to like put them in the proper space in my heart and mind. Like how do I calm myself down--this stuffs are probably there waiting for me to give them names for a while and after I saw their faces to embrace them I become confused and disoriented--but not in a bad way, like delighted but how do I manage this things, like suddenly got jump by plenty of puppies kinda thing. I am trying to embrace all of this, and I don't know how. I know I should be calm but I am not.

Thinking what I should've feel and actually feeling it is different--like I have always prepared myself to lose the love of my life (and always cried at the thought) and find myself still crying from time to time. It doesn't matter that I know, I don't even know if I have enough sentience to keep myself calm--emotionally and physically.

Maybe this is also the reason why I want things to just end soon, you know? I am just impatient. Managing life is a chore--a fun chore! But a chore. And I can't wait for it to end. In the mean time--as it seems that it won't end anytime soon, I wanted to be happy. It's not hard to be happy with all these privileges I have all my life, I guess.

So that's my latest life updates.

I am happy and trying to calm myself from all these things that I want to taste.
I want to know a lot of things soon. I want to be good at studying soon.
Whilst counting seconds on when it's going to end.

Yeah. I am probably the jolliest person I know who feels this way.

A Week not Home

I know, I am lame. Let's face it, if I was waiting for the time I go back home in a trip with FRIENDS at the very first day, why would I look forward to spend a week with strangers with plenty of rules and ospek-ish environment? Yep.

I won't get tired mentioning this: I like home. A lot. If I can be at home, I'll be home. If I can't, then I'd be home as soon as I can. There's a reason why meet ups and sleepovers are usually done in my house.

Anyway.

The past week is plenty fun, despite my initial expectation. I like dancing and playing games, there are plenty of dancing time and playing time. I don't like people much but these people at least tolerate me in  my superficial form, which makes me feel welcome. What I really like about things that I don't generally enjoy is the things I learnt from it.

As per usual, I am nothing but myself except when it comes to eating. I am still confused with being a human being--all with the sentience of the certain things and not on others, but I have enough experience to know that despite what I feel or think, if I lose my appetite it means I am not comfortable. It means something is wrong. Yes. Now I know. I ate regularly though, just not as much as usual. Some other times, entering the cafeteria alone enough to make me feel like puking. Phew! Let me tell you, I do not feel stressed or think I am stressed at all (if you're there you know I don't) but in truth, I did.

Things like this also happens when I was in SG. But at the time, I was too busy trying to understand what my gut is telling me to actually listen. I thought of how convenient it would be if I can know things without having to listen to my gut, because let alone my gut--I don't even know what I feel or think sometimes. And they are plenty obvious (ok maybe not all the time but they are kind of obvious).

I also learnt that I am not as big hearted as I thought I am. I always embrace the fact that I am aware of how selfish I can be (and how insensitive I can be) but I was forced not to be because I had the responsibility to. This bothers me so much I cried (Well... partly also because of the tiredness I haven't felt for a while). So just imagine me, sobbing inside the bathroom because I want to play and not operating the slides. I am glad I know myself better afterwards.

The last thing I learnt is that I really have no control over how people perceive me. Or have yet the control to? I think at the moment impression management is more tiresome than doing whatever seemed fun to me. Will I ever change, I don't know. I don't want to do anything tiresome though, let's just hope the time doesn't have to come.





I really don't know what to expect when I have to depart from home. I will be leaving to growing boys, hopefully they'd get along better after I am back.

Trip and Stuffs

I was on a trip for a few days, with my friends, sleeping on other person's home. Funny thing is, it was just the first day and I was already counting the time when I will go back home. Not because it wasn't fun or anything (because it was fun and I had plenty of firsts), but I just like home. It makes me wonder if I always feel this way and only notice it because it's the first time I'd be away on vacation for more than 2 days or something.

There are a lot of opportunity to see the open sky, that I really like. I love seeing the open sky. It's so refreshing. There was one time when after like a total of 16 hours driving for 4 days I finally get to sit NOT behind the wheel and I can't think of nothing else but how relaxing and exciting it was. The sky was still dark, and the stars is really pretty, and the trees around are really tall and nice. The wind was pretty chilly but it's a nice change after hours exposed with car aircon. OOH I really like it.

And I also learnt things after this trip. I want to be a nicer person. I suppose I'm already quite nice (you cannot be too sure), but after this trip where I see my friends being nice, I want to be nicer! I experience kindness in this vacation and it makes me want to be a better friend. Though it's not like my other friends are not nice (I've been in current level of nice because of them after all), it's just there are a different kind of 'nice' that I probably experience exactly because of the circumstances. I am so happy that I think I want to be nicer, it's so cool.

Oh yeah, I drove quite a distance there too. There's one day where I drove like 140km (and only for around 4 hours! How crazy is that, sometimes it's an hour drive for just 10 km in Jakarta), my previous experience cannot compare. These 4 days driving distance is greater than all the driving of the 5 years having license (Since I rarely drive, thanks to the horrid traffic). Feels like I leveled up tons in one go, if I were a level 2 driver I was sure I've become like level 6 or 7 already. (I guess that's what passing a mountain with a manual will do to you. Paying respects to all drivers out there.)

My friend slept at my bed yesterday and said that my bed is comfy. I am so happy, because I think so too.

__

Just the day before the trip, my friends and I join this board game tournament. The opponents in my table are newbies, whereas I played this game like every other day with my parents. But I lost. I'm so lame, hahaha! (I think the uncle that bet for me jinx my luck. Dang. I was leading like until the last 3 turns.) My friends also lost--all of us in the first round. We then witness the difference between a veteran and amateur. It reminds me a lot of sports anime something, cuz I always play mindlessly--like with so and so plans or strategy--but there are these folks who are like crazy serious with this stuff. It's fun, though! Gonna do it again some other time.

__

A bonus conversation I had with my senior a month ago:

What is success for you?

To not regret.

What is the thing you regret the most?

That I don't let him sleep in my bed.

What is the saddest day you've ever had?

The days when I go home and I remember that he's gone forever.

What is your biggest fear?

That I will live long enough to feel that I can't keep waiting for life to end, and that I have to end it by my own means. 

Responsibly Selfish

I think the problem with people is that they just don't realize how selfish they are being. I have written a little about what I think about selfishness here, so you might want to read that one too.

Anyway. Yeah.

I don't think many people realize that they are selfish, just because it's just natural to do certain things or because things they do benefitted others. Hmm. Interesting, but very annoying sometimes.

This is how I understand living, so feel free to disagree, but I think people have to be selfish to really understand what they want and what they got. They have to be selfish to be grateful.

Sometimes people tell me that wanting this and that is selfish. Wow, ok. So other earthly things I do is not selfish? Let me tell you, living is a struggle. You cannot even let yourself alive not in expense of others.

Take myself as an example.

I am feeding myself from taking millions of life. There is no count to how many farm animals that has been cut to keep myself alive for 22 years. And let see, how many trees has ended their life for the hundred thousand tissue I used for my runny nose? Not to mention those who died for the paper I used for exams or doodles, and for the sake of books that I enjoy reading. The seat that I have in school, I wonder who could have my seat if I were not there? A person who wants good education as much as I do, probably. Some other person can fill my place at work, but there I was! Working, in expense of those that didn't get it. Not to mention the capitalistic system that I support with my money from the superficial products that I bought, not sure who were the underpaid labor, but I wouldn't be as comfortable as I am now if I were to nitpick every single person or other living beings who suffers because of my choices to keep myself entertained. Even on being born: I was once that one sperm that has got into the egg first, and letting those other millions died in vain.

And isn't that what selfish is?

 

(Ok, I am not going to argue about semantics, I'm not sure if 'selfish' is cut for it, but it's either that or other words I don't know or word that I have to made up and I am not Shakespeare so I am using the word selfish just for the sake of this argument, whatever)

Denying that one is selfish--not even realizing how THOSE seemingly 'normal' things as things that benefit you in expense of other's suffering--is pretty conceited, I think.



So just! Understand! That you're doing things for YOUR reasons! Stop thinking that you're in something for some noble cause and that it will give noble consequences, because it is your noble cause and your noble consequences. Not everyone is benefitted from that. Not everyone thinks it's noble. Even 'greater good' itself is a selfish thought. Just because you think it's good or nice or whatever doesn't mean it is. (It will also lead to why you won't please everyone. Not always because you're wrong or bad, but simply because you just can't)

Please just accept that you're doing things for yourself. Just accept it. Just accept that there are some people that mattered to you. Accept that there are values you want to keep. Accept that you do not want to be hurt. Accept that there is no one that cares about what you care about like you do. Accept that the world really does not revolve around you, and only you do.

Because once people accept it, I think they will understand how easy it is for anyone to be kind or nasty. (Mostly nasty.) How easy it is for anyone to be horrible, and how easy it is for THEM to be horrible. It will be easy to understand what it takes for one to be able to live in a certain way. You will understand what drives you and you will realize that there are privileges available for you--things that enable you to have selfish thoughts or do selfish things.

Accepting it won't stop you (or me) from being selfish, since we can't help it. But it certainly will make you more aware of how you can be horrible to others. If you're nice enough, maybe you can make it less horrible.











But you know, this can be just me wanting to make myself better for thinking that killing things for my own sake is ok.



p.s. I think my writing has gone bad. Or has my writing always been bad and it's just now that I am, uh, smart enough to notice it? 

Parents and Children

Hi, blog.

Another mind dump, today. And see, I missed another month. I'm getting bad at this.

Anyway.

I find a lot of things shoved in my hands recently, and the things that I can think of is just "If my parents don't love me I can't imagine how horrible that would feel". "It must be sad if there is anyone who isn't loved by their parents." "If there's actually anything that every child should have is being loved by their parents." Something along those lines. I feel loved plenty of times, this time is no exception.

I think it's natural to love my parents, because they love me and they give me food and stuffs. They talk to me and listen to me. They play games with me and let me play with my friends too. They take care of me even when I don't ask them to. They make me feel special, even when I believe that nothing is. It's also natural that the more time you spend with someone or something, you get attached to them, and the thought of life without them makes you sad (I even feel sad thinking that I have to replace my laptop some day). In their case, I have live with them all my life until now, so of course I'd be pretty bummed if they're gone.

It's not "natural" because their DNAs are running in my blood or that I came out of my mother's womb. It's natural because they do things that make me happy and fulfilled. Things that are not easy because I think I will punch myself plenty of times if I were my own kid. Things that make me want them to love me more and to be happy too. They do a lot of things, that I keep things and do things in life just for their sake. When I was sick and helpless, hearing their voices alone makes me cry.

I don't know why my parents love me, but I like to think that I did things that makes loving me easier for them.




I believe that you don't really get people to love you because you're their whatever. In fact, it's a lot of work for some.

So I think it's normal if parents happen to not love their children.
And I think it's normal if children happen to not love their parents.




But with that saying, I still think that unloved children is probably one of the most miserable creatures in the world. Some people just don't deserve children. People has to stop forcing children to be born, because if they are not prepared to love them, they are creating persons that are bound to be miserable for some time.

Stop creating miserable little persons. Love your child, if you can. If you cannot, at least be nice. Or don't make them, at all.



This is coming from a child loved by her parents, and cannot imagine her world in any other way.

Urges

I want to confess.

I don't know if it's weird or maybe not as weird as I think it is, but I realize this just recently and I think it's maybe weird but I don't know.

So yeah. There are things that I know I want to do, and they are not necessarily bad, but I don't do them. Because those are things I want to do to others. Because they are others, and not me, I always wondered if it's ok for me to do... stuffs to them.

Nothing weird, really. Most of the time I just want to touch them.
Ok it does kinda sound really weird. (Or not?? Maybe not?? I think not really but Idk I said weird a lot in just a few sentences)

I want to do that a lot. And I think I can do that. I really can.

But I didn't.

Because it would require me to, say, touch them, and they might not like it.

It's not always complicated; I asked if I can touch them, sometimes. I touched some of them, sometimes. I let them know that they are soft and tender, sometimes.

But most of the time,
I just didn't.





Now.

I just realized how natural it is for me to think that I can't do things to people (or other things) just because I want to. Things I didn't do because I know it is not all on me.

I want to think that it's because I have a plenty good self-control. (Maybe I really do)

But I wonder if the things that I want to do--and I decide to not do in the end--speaks louder than the fact that I am able to stop myself from doing it.





Does it really matter what the urges are, as long as I am able to control myself?
Or is the reason I need to control myself in the first place supposed to be something that I have to wonder about? Or fix, even?


For example.

If I want to kill people,
is it fine as long as I don't actually kill them,
or the very fact that I want to kill people is a thought I have to get rid of?


It's really confusing.

Lazy

Oh no. I missed 2 months.

Oh well.

I guess it's just because I am lazy.

Anyway, talking about my laziness, a lot of people don't really believe me when I said that I am lazy. Most likely because I have done things and am still doing things.

This is something that I realized recently, I suppose. I can just do things without wanting to do things. I don't have to have the will to do stuffs to do stuffs. I am lazy, but I am doing it anyway. Most of the time it's because it will be more troublesome if I don't do the things I think I should do. But other times, it's just because I can.

I think this is common, no? I mean, how many people are doing the things they are doing at the moment as they want? Only a handful of lucky people are able to do things they want and want things they do. Most are just doing things that they thing they should do. And able to do. And then there they are.

Exist. Live. Somewhat.

My case is that I am lazy. While I enjoy things that I do (yes, even taking a bath or working) I am lazy! I'd rather not do things. But I have to, because I am alive. Maintaining life is full of effort. I have to eat, to eat I have to earn food, to earn food I have to follow whatever system this society come up with. And this society come up with a lot of things. Things that I don't even care sometimes. But I cannot not care at most times, because I live in society and they have mold the place I lived in to something with rules that I have to follow.

Granted, I find many fun things by living. And I am capable of being happy.

So I guess living is not so bad.
(Though I guess I would be totally fine by not living anymore)




So if this means that I merely exist, I guess that's fine.
If this means that I'm dying inside, that's fine too.

I spent a lot of years finding meaning of living. I find that it can be anything that I come up with. (Maybe it's too early to say that. Maybe I have yet live enough.)

And I find that maybe to just exist is not so bad.



I don't understand if this is the sort of things human came up with to console themselves, make themselves feel better, or justify their sad life--but I understand now.

Nothing is really matter. Nothing.

You make things matter. Granted, people kinda help you make things matter to you.

But that's just it. It's all on you.




(And I guess that ability to perceive is probably the most wonderful thing that a creature can be given to)

My Aim in Life

If there is anything I aim to be, I think it is to not be a bother.

I think I will settle with minding my own business and my loved ones, and keeping myself from ruining other people's.

I don't think I want to become a meaningful existence for a lot of people. Meaningful for enough people (people that matters to me) is ok. I don't even think I am trying to be a useful human being. As long as I am not a burden, it's great.

I generally aim low because I am lazy. But it's hard to be lazy and good at the same time. When you live with people, sometimes silence and impassiveness translated to evil. I chose to not do anything remotely remarkable because I am lazy, but some people suffer because I don't do anything. Because I don't stand with them, because I don't speak up. Because I don't help. Not helping means you're evil, sometimes. Even when you're not the cause.

So I just want to live without causing problems.
But even trying to live with just that, one requires to act and speak up.

And I am lazy.

Ok.

So I try not to be too lazy. Somewhat.



p.s. I feel bad for people who think they don't need to learn because they have faith. Isn't it ironic if you have faith that requires you to learn, but you don't because you 'believe'? If God don't want you to think, It won't give you the capacity to.

I Thought I Have

"Moving on, for me, is not about stop loving, or missing, or remembering things that are nice or bad. Moving on is knowing things changed and being fine with it." - Moving On

So it turns out that I am not fine yet.

I (Most Likely) Won't Get Refunds

Hi!

Lately, I haven't been able to contemplate on things much.

Actually, there are things that bugs me sometimes, but as I have more distractions now and less time for myself, it's too easy to shrug it off for one moment until it bugs me again. I find it generally easy to ignore things that bugs me, or thoughts unresolved, so I guess it's the routine? On the other hand, I find it harder to finish a book, which why I suspect that I might have gone stupid bit by bit. I don't know.

Anyway, I realize today that I might value money more than I thought I'm supposed to. This is a little inconsistent with the whole idea I hold (which consists of different fragments that I always tried to connect with each other) so 1) I'm might not being entirely truthful to myself, and there's a value that I know is there but not yet acknowledge or 2) It's not that I reject the idea, I just haven't got a hold of it so I haven't been addressing it clearly or 3) I just haven't been consistent with the whole idea I hold and need to work on that.

Because you see, I used to like money a lot. Like, a lot! I mean, I still like them now, but they hold less meaning than they used to be. I remember the times when the achievements I got was because I was driven to get the prize money. I remember when I thought marriage seemed nice because of the financial security. I haven't gone so far to think that money was everything, but money was pretty damn important. Then, and I guess now too... albeit more sensible now, I guess. For a person who lives in the moment, I think I'm plenty cheap.

I do have pride in keeping myself entertained and happy even with limited resources though. I think it's one of my good points.

Hm, but it's hard to be out of the system with little power or resources, so I guess that I'm just trying to get some just in case I live long enough to want to be out of the system. I hope not.