Lazy

Oh no. I missed 2 months.

Oh well.

I guess it's just because I am lazy.

Anyway, talking about my laziness, a lot of people don't really believe me when I said that I am lazy. Most likely because I have done things and am still doing things.

This is something that I realized recently, I suppose. I can just do things without wanting to do things. I don't have to have the will to do stuffs to do stuffs. I am lazy, but I am doing it anyway. Most of the time it's because it will be more troublesome if I don't do the things I think I should do. But other times, it's just because I can.

I think this is common, no? I mean, how many people are doing the things they are doing at the moment as they want? Only a handful of lucky people are able to do things they want and want things they do. Most are just doing things that they thing they should do. And able to do. And then there they are.

Exist. Live. Somewhat.

My case is that I am lazy. While I enjoy things that I do (yes, even taking a bath or working) I am lazy! I'd rather not do things. But I have to, because I am alive. Maintaining life is full of effort. I have to eat, to eat I have to earn food, to earn food I have to follow whatever system this society come up with. And this society come up with a lot of things. Things that I don't even care sometimes. But I cannot not care at most times, because I live in society and they have mold the place I lived in to something with rules that I have to follow.

Granted, I find many fun things by living. And I am capable of being happy.

So I guess living is not so bad.
(Though I guess I would be totally fine by not living anymore)




So if this means that I merely exist, I guess that's fine.
If this means that I'm dying inside, that's fine too.

I spent a lot of years finding meaning of living. I find that it can be anything that I come up with. (Maybe it's too early to say that. Maybe I have yet live enough.)

And I find that maybe to just exist is not so bad.



I don't understand if this is the sort of things human came up with to console themselves, make themselves feel better, or justify their sad life--but I understand now.

Nothing is really matter. Nothing.

You make things matter. Granted, people kinda help you make things matter to you.

But that's just it. It's all on you.




(And I guess that ability to perceive is probably the most wonderful thing that a creature can be given to)