Heart Breaks and Desires

It never occurred to me that a day will come when I experience heart break.

Three years ago was probably the waking moment. My heart is broken and nothing in the world matters anymore. The funny thing is, even before that--way before that--it has been years that I come to believe that nothing in the world matters.

But I never knew the weight of my believe,
until it happens,
and I then truly understand the feeling of nothing matters anymore.

Anyway!

I know my heart breaks then, but it was obvious. Now I understand that sometimes my heart breaks, and it is not obvious, because I don't really think such things are capable to make my heart broken. But it happens! I'm hurt.

Sometimes they don't even mean it, but I am hurt. Maybe because what it implies. I know that people who are close to you are the ones with most power to hurt you, but I didn't realize how powerful it actually is until recently. I mean, it is not the first time I was hurt or my heart was broken because of them, but I just realized this.

I realized that I love them, and they probably will never understand how much I love them, will never know how much they mean to me, will never know how much I shed tears because of them. They love me too, I know that, but I don't think it's close to what I have for them. Or maybe pretty close. But I still think that they don't love me as much as I do. I know this. I know. I accept this already.

That is why it's really fascinating.

That
even though I love them. So much.
There is one thing
that I will not, ever, compromise to not want.

And nothing will stop me from wanting them and welcome them to my arms.

I have been waiting.
(Not patiently, but I have been waiting for a while now)

And when it knocks on my door, nothing will stop me.
Even if it costs me to hurt the people who are capable of breaking my heart.


And
when I realize how I much I want it.
I come to wonder
if I have already fallen in
(trapped by)
(in love with)
the idea of it.


And if I have.

I wonder what is stopping me from actively chasing it in the first place?