I know, I am lame. Let's face it, if I was waiting for the time I go back home in a trip with FRIENDS at the very first day, why would I look forward to spend a week with strangers with plenty of rules and ospek-ish environment? Yep.
I won't get tired mentioning this: I like home. A lot. If I can be at home, I'll be home. If I can't, then I'd be home as soon as I can. There's a reason why meet ups and sleepovers are usually done in my house.
Anyway.
The past week is plenty fun, despite my initial expectation. I like dancing and playing games, there are plenty of dancing time and playing time. I don't like people much but these people at least tolerate me in my superficial form, which makes me feel welcome. What I really like about things that I don't generally enjoy is the things I learnt from it.
As per usual, I am nothing but myself except when it comes to eating. I am still confused with being a human being--all with the sentience of the certain things and not on others, but I have enough experience to know that despite what I feel or think, if I lose my appetite it means I am not comfortable. It means something is wrong. Yes. Now I know. I ate regularly though, just not as much as usual. Some other times, entering the cafeteria alone enough to make me feel like puking. Phew! Let me tell you, I do not feel stressed or think I am stressed at all (if you're there you know I don't) but in truth, I did.
Things like this also happens when I was in SG. But at the time, I was too busy trying to understand what my gut is telling me to actually listen. I thought of how convenient it would be if I can know things without having to listen to my gut, because let alone my gut--I don't even know what I feel or think sometimes. And they are plenty obvious (ok maybe not all the time but they are kind of obvious).
I also learnt that I am not as big hearted as I thought I am. I always embrace the fact that I am aware of how selfish I can be (and how insensitive I can be) but I was forced not to be because I had the responsibility to. This bothers me so much I cried (Well... partly also because of the tiredness I haven't felt for a while). So just imagine me, sobbing inside the bathroom because I want to play and not operating the slides. I am glad I know myself better afterwards.
The last thing I learnt is that I really have no control over how people perceive me. Or have yet the control to? I think at the moment impression management is more tiresome than doing whatever seemed fun to me. Will I ever change, I don't know. I don't want to do anything tiresome though, let's just hope the time doesn't have to come.
I really don't know what to expect when I have to depart from home. I will be leaving to growing boys, hopefully they'd get along better after I am back.
