I am not neglecting this blog, I swear. I was locked out of it for a while because I was not able to figure out my password for the old email which I used for this account. Yeah, I know, lame, and I am a little traumatised (even though everything should be fine now) because I am reminded yet again
that
things can (and most of the time, surely) end abruptly without any warnings beforehand. So my last post would be my last post. And I could never erase the stupid stuffs that I finally stumbled upon from my old self (I rarely did this but some things are dumb that I cannot not erase it for the sake of my sanity). Basically stuffs just ends and I cannot do anything about it and it sobered me up.
But since as I mentioned in the last post, that what I want or do might not be something deliberately purposeful anyway--maybe it does not matter all that much.
Anyway. Things moved on since the last time I posted. For instance, I am not in the UK anymore, which saddened me sometimes (because I genuinely like London). And I am employed now (because living costs money, that's why). But basically a chapter of me pursuing my master had come to an end. And it ends pretty well, in a way that it feeds my ego.
You see, I tried really hard. I did.
I wanna be good. So I read and I write and I become better.
I thought I have become better, but I just become 'slightly' better. Good, but not good enough, I thought.
At the first few weeks of my study, I thought of how hard studying is really is, and thinking that I might not be able to finish with a flying colours. When I was working on my dissertation, I tried making peace with the fact that I might have tried really hard but it might turned out to be just... alright. (Well the story of mediocrity is not just about trying to be good at Splatoon 2 ya see). Funny thing is, it turned out that I did (pass with flying colours. Somewhat), and I still think I am not good enough.
Now in retrospect, this is where I notice what inferiority complex really is. I thought it was the means to be humble (because I am humbled), but I get so far to not acknowledge achievements when it's in front of me. I convinced my self that I am nothing but the usual, and it... might not be as good as I thought it should be.
Regardless, I don't think it is something that I can imagine changing, yet. At least. Idk. I can't imagine me being anything than I am now. So what if it's humility, or inferiority complex, I feel what I want. Let me be joyous in thinking that I am not amazing (which I am really not).
But overall I was all great experience since I got a friend and level-up my friendship with another. I am smarter than I was a year ago, and I am better equipped for life than I was a year ago. I thought I have myself all figured out but I am not, and that's evolution for you.
Another update of my life is that I still wonder how did I ended up being so lucky. I am so lucky. In this bleak, horrid world, where it is very conducive to be evil, when it's easy to be horrible, that I am surrounded with wonderful people. That I find people whom I can see in the eyes, and that I find sincerity and love in their dreams. That I can talk to them, and how it makes life more bearable. That they are wonderful, more than Wizard of Oz could ever be, I am sure.
I wonder why I am so defeated--when I am loved, when I am capable of getting what people find valuable, when I am surrounded by wonderful people. I wonder why I am like this? What is the lie that I told myself? What has happened that makes me this way? What makes me so tired? And terrible?
I think I am plenty nice despite being tired and terrible, though.
