I think it was a month ago or something. I saw a tweet saying something along the lines of “being raised in Asian household makes me unable to say thanks or apologize to my parents”. In most cases, of course, it’s understandable. When family makes mistakes, they don’t need to say sorry since it’s somehow unwritten rule that it’ll be forgiven for sure. When they do or say nice things to us, it’s not a favor. It’s just family thing. Things we normally take as something for granted. High context culture and all that, no need to mention things like sorry or thanks since we’re family. So I know. I know it’s awkward and hard. I’ve been there too.
Never thought too much about the time when I burst out crying because I have disagreement with my parents, or have a shout-match with my sister, because not 5 minutes later we’re going to have dinner together and everything’s alright.
I remember, I saw my cousin said, “thanks” to her mom, and I thought, “Why did I never say thanks to mom? That’s stupid.” So I did. I started saying thanks to her.
I remember, I was in middle school, it was in dining table. I said, “Thanks mom.”
It was so awkward and foreign the first time.
The first time I tried to apologise to my grandma was around then too. I can’t even confirm if she actually heard me or not since I ran out of the room as soon as I finished mumbling, “Sorry I was mean to you when I was younger.”
But it gets easier.
I said sorry to my mom and dad when I said something mean too. Sometimes I said sorry in advance, I said, sorry I’m so easily pissed off these days, please forgive me if I said something mean. Sorry that I was home late. Sorry that I was wrong. My sister too. Sorry, I said that because I was angry. She understood.
You know what? They did too. I didn’t even realize when it started, but my mom and dad say sorry and thanks too. My sister too, obviously. Not immediately, or often (well we don’t have that many things to be sorry for and somethings are just business as usual to say thanks to) but they change as I do it.
Then generally talking comes easy. Not all arguments can be made with sounds reasons, cuz with my parents I cannot help but be easily emotional, but most of the time talks are fruitful and enhance understanding. I thought that’s growing up, talking about stuffs. That was around when I am convinced to take talking face-value, that things can be talked about, and better being talked about. It’s easy for me to say things that is on my mind, because I am never really punished for it, and I find that it solves variety of problems fairly quickly. This prove to cause problems since then I am not equipped with the ability to small talks or bullshit things through, but well, I guess I’m learning (very slowly).
Anyway.
Before I went to London, my aunt told me she gonna miss me. My mom was there. Later on that day, I asked my mom if she’s not sad that I am leaving. She said, “Well, sometimes you don’t say things that you feel” with the most heartbreaking tone and I felt tears pricking my eye.
So there’s that too.
But we grow, you see. At one point, conversations like “please don’t say things like that, hearing you say that hurts me,” or “I am sorry I make you sad, let’s not do it if it makes you unhappy” are common, as we are learning what are the things important to be said and what are the things better left unsaid—things that I don’t imagine is said out loud but in mainstream media.
But really. If everything is normal* then your parents must love you and they learn to be parents too, for all their life. Why wouldn’t they, when their children constantly evolving into something that they may or may not ever imagine. Help them do it. Learn with them. Hopefully we can be better parents and children together when we can talk things through.
*Not all household are ideal so sometimes parents suck, if this is not you then you are blessed indeed
