Let's say, there's a container and then you fill it with water until it's full. If you add some more, it'll spill. If you nudge them, it'll spill. If you didn't hold them properly, it'll spill.
Maybe, for years, I have stop growing as a container.
I am filled to the brim, and I cannot hold anymore water.
Or maybe I didn't stop growing--my container is not growing fast enough to keep the water that has keep coming.
I am not a bigger container for the water that I have inside me.
At one point, I am full. And I think I find no way to lessen its amount--or maybe I did, but then it's filled again quicker than I can take them out of me that I am still full.
And apparently, being full is suffocating. It is suffocating, so I just want things to stop.
I think what I did so far is that I look at my container, see it full with water, and pat myself in the back.
"It's enough. You're full."
(I don't want the container to be bigger cuz it's a lot of work.)
(And I don't want the water to be put out somewhere cuz it's also a lot of work.)
(I thought maybe, I was just plain lazy.)
I now realise I am just scared.
I am scared of what entails in being a bigger container. I am scared of the things I have to go through and things I have to sacrifice to be a bigger container.
I am scared that sharing the water out will break other containers. I am sure it will. I have the conviction that I ultimately will destroy those containers and I don't want it to happen.
And I absolutely have no interest on being brave.
I don't wanna be brave. I have accepted that I am scared. And I don't want to overcome it.
Why would I have to, when at one point the container will be filled again
and I have to find a way to make myself bigger
or make get rid of the water that filled me
when I can
stop the source of water?
I thought.
But I just wish I don't have to stop them.
I just wish
it stops.
