Why, it's been a while since I am not here driven by awful feelings. I am happy that there are still things I want to pour out that is not bleak.
I wanna talk about friends.
I am serious about friendship. Or, well, I do friendship seriously.
I have terrible views about mankind in general. I don't believe altruism, and I think kindness and consideration is learnt and being nasty and ignorant is actually the default state of humanity.
So when there are people, who, despite their nature to be nasty and selfish and horrible, choose to be nice to me and care about me and, maybe, love me--how can I not be grateful about it? How can I not be nice and care and love them back, if against all odds, they choose to do that to me? It feels amazing.
And it feels utterly special.
Friends, unlike families, don't have the obligation to stick around, you see. With families you were born with them. Like, you cannot actually make your parents not-your-parents or your siblings not-your-siblings (in principle, at least). You don't have a choice. And if they are kind to you, and care about you, and love you--it's amazing but I would say it is more natural for it to happen. After all, you are stuck with these people for a long time (and spend a lot of your formative years with them, in normal circumstances) so having a positive relationship is not very surprising. Thus when a stranger you met by chance in your life decided to stick around (and make your life nicer because of it) I find it abhorrent to not be serious about it.
It's not always my choice, of course. After all, I know that am not an easy person to be with. So when a friend asking me to hang out, friend asking me how am I doing, friend saying they remember me, friend saying they miss me, friend saying that they think I'm their friend, I
I am so happy.
Cuz despite having friends and various other kinds of relationship, I know that you (I mean me) are essentially by yourself (I mean myself)--alone. You cannot rely on others to make you what you wanna be or feel what you wanna feel. It's basically the recipe for disaster. The chance of your feelings being reciprocate (that they treasure you like you treasure them, that they love you like you love them) is always small. Why? Because we are different, separate, persons with different accumulation of experience and thoughts and feelings and if you find people whom we have things in common (specifically, views or feelings towards each other), it feels very nice, isn't it?
And it's just... amazing to know that I have friends with my circumstances. Not plenty, but enough. So far, I am miraculously able to find companionship even in places I have convinced myself I wouldn't have friends in. I find that most of the time, they are my main source of joy and contentment, despite whatever hardship I'm getting through.
There are even those I treasure whom I rarely interact with. But every time I think of them, and realise that there is a certainty in my heart that my existence is always welcomed by them... I know that I will readily give anything within my power to make them feel loved.
So thank you, friends.
If there is anything that makes this world is more bearable than it actually is, is because I have you all in my life.
