Lessons so far!

I was wondering if I should save this reflection until the year ends, because honestly, a lot of things happened in a span of 10~ months and it's been a wild year. I am thinking that even in the last 2 months there might be more stuff that this year has in store for me, but we'll see.

In any case, I learnt a lot this year and I feel a lot of things this year, and the year hasn't even ended yet. This is a note for that, so when I forgot I can visit this page on why I should be less stupid.

Here goes.

I worked on something--became something--I never worked on before, learn things from scratch. Realise that there are many things I can do that I might never know before. I mean, of course there are. I tried so many things in life, and this year I tried that. Apparently I was good, and people I worked with liked me (I know this, because they told me so. I respect them and I like them too. Knowing this makes me happy and sad at the same time). And the most important thing is: I like it. I enjoy it. It was fun and I learnt a whole lot. The work was not easy but I was happy.

So Lesson 1: 

I can try a lot of things and I might be good at a lot of things too. There are plethora of things to work on, to be happy for, and if I don't have that I might just need to try and find it somewhere.

and Lesson 2 (which I have been establishing over and over, I suppose): 

There's no expiry date to make meaningful connections. You can always love and get along with new people. And you can continue to love and get along again with the old ones.

Key takes for these two lessons are to be open with things that I don't know. Knowledge, be it on myself or on the subject, can only help so much, but I can never know until I try. 

But all good things are not without its hurdles, I guess? Becoming good and competent and well-liked is not enough for many things I guess. I thought I can manage, but I cannot. It's hard for me to pretend: to be an impostor who knows nothing but act like she owns it--I cannot do that. I cannot stay when I cannot be the person that I am. I cannot stay, when both principles that I personally believe in and my definition of my role is violated. 

At the time, it's probably the first time I truly feel resentment. I hate. I was upset and I felt horrible, and there is a great urge of wanting to harm another person. Apparently, I am not a person with that much of a big heart.

Lesson 3:

I think I can compromise on a lot of things--I don't think it's because I am very accommodating as a person, but because I find little things that truly offends me. I find that there are only handful of things that I feel strongly about, and with that, I can accept many things. I don't mind doing many things. But there are lines for me, and I know what those are. I feel it. Listen to it, you will not go wrong. Rationality is overrated. You do not need to be rational if the cost is your happiness and peace of mind, rani.

Lesson 4:

I am lucky and I am utterly spoiled by my upbringing and environment. I have been blessed to live and grow in places where values that I uphold are respected. I am never punished for being truthful and being myself. This does not mean it's bad--it's just that I have always known better. I know what's better and it's hard for me to settle for less. I am not going to fault myself for this. Not because I think it's what I deserve, but I think that's the right thing to have. 

Lesson 5:

I am not the bigger person I thought I was. With Lesson 4 in mind, I merely had little to no chance to feel horrible and upset because I was surrounded with lovely and sensible people. It has been natural for the stupid and disgusting ones to be weeded out of my life. So when I was forced to stay and worked with one, I am immensely unequipped and hence the strong emotion. I am not sure if this is what I want to get used to, but I think I at least has to know how to handle my disgust and anger better with these kinds of people (the lowlife ones). 

Key takes for these lessons: the things I experience are what made me, my reflections and values are known to me. And whilst I am aware there are many things that I need to figure out, I think there's no reason to fear since I know what I will need to learn will come to me eventually (like how to emotion with stupidity).

I have no knack in drama (I really think my personality is utterly incompatible with it as a concept), so the day I know it's not working, I resigned the next day. Why stay when 1) I know staying will only make me feel horrible and 2) I am privileged enough to quit. Staying longer will only feed more arguments and I don't want to turn into something I hate, if I can help it.

So Lesson 6:

Whilst there's Lesson 1 (you don't know until you try), there's also Lesson 3 (you know your lines). I know that when I reflect inwards and I am confused with which is which, then I should reflect outwards: my friends and family know me. I trust them to love me and take care of me too, so when I cannot see it clearly on my own, I know I can seek for their advice. 

Key take for this: I am a freaking lucky child.

My mom had the audacity to offer me a poison when I told her that I want to harm the person in question. That's how easy it is for me to come to a conclusion.

(Of course, I didn't poison anyone. Other than the fact that it will not bring any enjoyment to me, since my fantasies consist of more torture, I am scared that if I do they'll do some dukun shit and since I have no access to black magic let's just say that I foresee myself to be miserable and cursed by witchcraft)

So those are what it was so far. 

You know what cheered me up when I was really upset last month?

It is understanding that I am much more that what I do. And even in what I do--there are so much things that I can and want to do.

It is liberating to think that there are paths and ways available in this life, and even if there isn't, being dead is not so bad too!

Again and again, I cannot help but think how utterly lucky I am.

It's ok

There are a lot of things I think I have accepted. I accepted that I am mediocre, for example. I made peace that I also can be ugly, and I probably lie to myself often.

I accept that I care sometimes, and I accept that even if I care a lot I will still be selfish, more often than not.

Also I accept that I don't matter that much. That I am not really important. Replaceable. One among numerous existences in the whole universe. 

For the most part, I know that I think like this for my own benefit. I know that it gives me peace, that's why it's so. I know it. Truly.

It gives me peace, sometimes to the extent it's liberating--to think that I am helpless. That there is so little that I can do. That the world will still be same without me. That everything will still be ok. That no matter how much I fucked up, there will be no actual catastrophe in a grand scheme of things.

It keeps me sane. 

(Sometimes I do think otherwise.) 

(Thinking that I'm responsible for all the injustice that I am ignorant of. That when I die, I will be thrown to hell only because I put a blind eye on things I could've seen. Things I could've done. But choose not to, only to think that it'd be useless.)

(But I have resigned myself to that fate, even if that's true.)

(I do not have the mentality, the heart, nor the strength to be that person.)

So that is it. That is me.

In reality, I am weak. I might have many things--I can do so many things. But I also think that it will be arrogant of me, to think that those things I have and do can make any difference. In short, I might have been that: defeated.

I don't know what have crushed me too. I think I have never been truly crushed ever. But I think the fear of being crushed is what makes me this way.

Sometimes I will remember my family and friends. And I know I am loved. I know that I am treasured and I am cared for. That I am nothing like other existence in the world, and that for them, I am special. Might not be the most important, nor the most valuable, nor the best in anything, really. But to them I am something that matters. That to some extent, I have responsibility, and I have the power to make their life better or worse.

But

I would like to think that they too, will be ok without me. 

(I trust that they will.)

And with that thought, I am at peace.

And I am free.

The Commitment to Love

Ok so I today I hang out with friends and as usual, we visited a toy store. When we pass by the stuffed toy section, there was this sloth.

Utterly, adorable, sloth. I feel like I'm enamored--a little.

He's so soft and he's so cute. I looked at it in the eyes and there was something inside me that screams as if he's begging me to take him.

There is only one of him there.

But. He's a stuffed toy. Unlike my other toys--or at least the one I bought, I don't think I am going to let him sit on my shelf. His fur is... fur, and he's not a hand puppet, he does not move, and he's not a gift. If I bought him, he will, out of principle, should sleep on the bed with me.

But I have Fior already.

This creates a massive cognitive dissonance on me. Will I be able to love and care for him like I should? If I went somewhere and I want to bring my stuffed toy, will I have to choose between them? I AM SO SCARED. I am confused, also I don't know what to feel?

To be fair there was a time when I bring other stuffed toy when I go somewhere else, notably when I went to SG for a semester--Fior wasn't with me. I brought Bernard. On some occasions, I brought Sully. But for many years, Fior was my only bed buddy. He shared space with other stuffed toy too, but he stayed with me the longest. I don't always hold him, but he was almost always there. My bed buddy.

I don't know. It's so confusing. I didn't (haven't?) bought him, I was thinking that... if the next time I come he's there, then maybe I should take him with me.

It's so weird that I don't think I hesitate that much in creating rooms for another person in my heart, but when it's on stuffed toys I do.

But then for people, they're always different. No one is the same. And I will love them, and because they are different, I am fond of them for variety of reasons, remember them for different things, love them in slightly different way. But stuffed toys are... not people.

They are special less because they worm their way to my heart, but more because I assigned things to them that probably does not exist, have this certain fantasy or believe of what they mean to me.

It's an utterly selfish framework. I mean, of course it is. What else could it be?

And even then I am not sure if I have the commitment whether he can be special to me--given I already have Fior, or if Fior can still be special for me--given I brought another bed buddy.

Should I even be confused though.

Growth, somewhat

It's been a while and a lot had happened! Now I am working in another new company with new and old friends. I haven't really... been productive in much things else (I played regularly but do I write and draw regularly? And read regularly? No) I haven't even write my dreams for a lot of months. But that's not surprising anymore hahaha

I always thought I don't have a lot of friends, and at one point I don't think I am capable of making more meaningful relationships, but I was wrong. It turns out that I have quite some people whom I care a lot and whose relationship benefits me so much that I wanna keep it probably forever. And I was able to find a companion even when I didn't expect it. Or maybe I am just ultra lucky (like most of the time in my life).

Anyway, I have a theory that being nice is something like a talent.

So if you have a talent for being nice--maybe not in literal fashion, but more of a talent of being able to read the air, have the sensitivity towards your surrounding, actually have inclination to maintain harmony, and things that you can utilise to act appropriately to those around you--then being nice to others and making people like you may come naturally for you.

But for most people, they learn how to be nice. Like me!

For me, I find it strategic for people to like me and thus, beneficial to be nice.

The thing is, I get away with being rude often. I said a lot of things without thinking it through (whether it will hurt someone, whether it's politically correct) and most of the time they can be hurtful. BUT, for many occasion, it does not have any bad repercussions to me. No broken relationships, no fights, no drama. Thus, I learnt how to be nice when I was way older than I think I should be (or idk, some people are old and they're still mean so maybe this is not the case).

Anyway! I learnt that the things I do or said would be perceived as mean and insensitive, in the broader scheme or a more general context. And that I was able to get away with it because I already established a good relationship with whoever I said or did those things to. I used to be selfish in all things I do but once I understand that it is in my best interest to make people I care about happy too--it's easier being nice. I want to continue being nice until being nice and kind come more naturally for me.

I would like to think my people skills are better now. I still suck hanging out with a crowd but I generally able to make small talks now even if I thought it's dumb.