Ok so I today I hang out with friends and as usual, we visited a toy store. When we pass by the stuffed toy section, there was this sloth.
Utterly, adorable, sloth. I feel like I'm enamored--a little.
He's so soft and he's so cute. I looked at it in the eyes and there was something inside me that screams as if he's begging me to take him.
There is only one of him there.
But. He's a stuffed toy. Unlike my other toys--or at least the one I bought, I don't think I am going to let him sit on my shelf. His fur is... fur, and he's not a hand puppet, he does not move, and he's not a gift. If I bought him, he will, out of principle, should sleep on the bed with me.
But I have Fior already.
This creates a massive cognitive dissonance on me. Will I be able to love and care for him like I should? If I went somewhere and I want to bring my stuffed toy, will I have to choose between them? I AM SO SCARED. I am confused, also I don't know what to feel?
To be fair there was a time when I bring other stuffed toy when I go somewhere else, notably when I went to SG for a semester--Fior wasn't with me. I brought Bernard. On some occasions, I brought Sully. But for many years, Fior was my only bed buddy. He shared space with other stuffed toy too, but he stayed with me the longest. I don't always hold him, but he was almost always there. My bed buddy.
I don't know. It's so confusing. I didn't (haven't?) bought him, I was thinking that... if the next time I come he's there, then maybe I should take him with me.
It's so weird that I don't think I hesitate that much in creating rooms for another person in my heart, but when it's on stuffed toys I do.
But then for people, they're always different. No one is the same. And I will love them, and because they are different, I am fond of them for variety of reasons, remember them for different things, love them in slightly different way. But stuffed toys are... not people.
They are special less because they worm their way to my heart, but more because I assigned things to them that probably does not exist, have this certain fantasy or believe of what they mean to me.
It's an utterly selfish framework. I mean, of course it is. What else could it be?
And even then I am not sure if I have the commitment whether he can be special to me--given I already have Fior, or if Fior can still be special for me--given I brought another bed buddy.
Should I even be confused though.
