It's ok

There are a lot of things I think I have accepted. I accepted that I am mediocre, for example. I made peace that I also can be ugly, and I probably lie to myself often.

I accept that I care sometimes, and I accept that even if I care a lot I will still be selfish, more often than not.

Also I accept that I don't matter that much. That I am not really important. Replaceable. One among numerous existences in the whole universe. 

For the most part, I know that I think like this for my own benefit. I know that it gives me peace, that's why it's so. I know it. Truly.

It gives me peace, sometimes to the extent it's liberating--to think that I am helpless. That there is so little that I can do. That the world will still be same without me. That everything will still be ok. That no matter how much I fucked up, there will be no actual catastrophe in a grand scheme of things.

It keeps me sane. 

(Sometimes I do think otherwise.) 

(Thinking that I'm responsible for all the injustice that I am ignorant of. That when I die, I will be thrown to hell only because I put a blind eye on things I could've seen. Things I could've done. But choose not to, only to think that it'd be useless.)

(But I have resigned myself to that fate, even if that's true.)

(I do not have the mentality, the heart, nor the strength to be that person.)

So that is it. That is me.

In reality, I am weak. I might have many things--I can do so many things. But I also think that it will be arrogant of me, to think that those things I have and do can make any difference. In short, I might have been that: defeated.

I don't know what have crushed me too. I think I have never been truly crushed ever. But I think the fear of being crushed is what makes me this way.

Sometimes I will remember my family and friends. And I know I am loved. I know that I am treasured and I am cared for. That I am nothing like other existence in the world, and that for them, I am special. Might not be the most important, nor the most valuable, nor the best in anything, really. But to them I am something that matters. That to some extent, I have responsibility, and I have the power to make their life better or worse.

But

I would like to think that they too, will be ok without me. 

(I trust that they will.)

And with that thought, I am at peace.

And I am free.