Lessons so far!

I was wondering if I should save this reflection until the year ends, because honestly, a lot of things happened in a span of 10~ months and it's been a wild year. I am thinking that even in the last 2 months there might be more stuff that this year has in store for me, but we'll see.

In any case, I learnt a lot this year and I feel a lot of things this year, and the year hasn't even ended yet. This is a note for that, so when I forgot I can visit this page on why I should be less stupid.

Here goes.

I worked on something--became something--I never worked on before, learn things from scratch. Realise that there are many things I can do that I might never know before. I mean, of course there are. I tried so many things in life, and this year I tried that. Apparently I was good, and people I worked with liked me (I know this, because they told me so. I respect them and I like them too. Knowing this makes me happy and sad at the same time). And the most important thing is: I like it. I enjoy it. It was fun and I learnt a whole lot. The work was not easy but I was happy.

So Lesson 1: 

I can try a lot of things and I might be good at a lot of things too. There are plethora of things to work on, to be happy for, and if I don't have that I might just need to try and find it somewhere.

and Lesson 2 (which I have been establishing over and over, I suppose): 

There's no expiry date to make meaningful connections. You can always love and get along with new people. And you can continue to love and get along again with the old ones.

Key takes for these two lessons are to be open with things that I don't know. Knowledge, be it on myself or on the subject, can only help so much, but I can never know until I try. 

But all good things are not without its hurdles, I guess? Becoming good and competent and well-liked is not enough for many things I guess. I thought I can manage, but I cannot. It's hard for me to pretend: to be an impostor who knows nothing but act like she owns it--I cannot do that. I cannot stay when I cannot be the person that I am. I cannot stay, when both principles that I personally believe in and my definition of my role is violated. 

At the time, it's probably the first time I truly feel resentment. I hate. I was upset and I felt horrible, and there is a great urge of wanting to harm another person. Apparently, I am not a person with that much of a big heart.

Lesson 3:

I think I can compromise on a lot of things--I don't think it's because I am very accommodating as a person, but because I find little things that truly offends me. I find that there are only handful of things that I feel strongly about, and with that, I can accept many things. I don't mind doing many things. But there are lines for me, and I know what those are. I feel it. Listen to it, you will not go wrong. Rationality is overrated. You do not need to be rational if the cost is your happiness and peace of mind, rani.

Lesson 4:

I am lucky and I am utterly spoiled by my upbringing and environment. I have been blessed to live and grow in places where values that I uphold are respected. I am never punished for being truthful and being myself. This does not mean it's bad--it's just that I have always known better. I know what's better and it's hard for me to settle for less. I am not going to fault myself for this. Not because I think it's what I deserve, but I think that's the right thing to have. 

Lesson 5:

I am not the bigger person I thought I was. With Lesson 4 in mind, I merely had little to no chance to feel horrible and upset because I was surrounded with lovely and sensible people. It has been natural for the stupid and disgusting ones to be weeded out of my life. So when I was forced to stay and worked with one, I am immensely unequipped and hence the strong emotion. I am not sure if this is what I want to get used to, but I think I at least has to know how to handle my disgust and anger better with these kinds of people (the lowlife ones). 

Key takes for these lessons: the things I experience are what made me, my reflections and values are known to me. And whilst I am aware there are many things that I need to figure out, I think there's no reason to fear since I know what I will need to learn will come to me eventually (like how to emotion with stupidity).

I have no knack in drama (I really think my personality is utterly incompatible with it as a concept), so the day I know it's not working, I resigned the next day. Why stay when 1) I know staying will only make me feel horrible and 2) I am privileged enough to quit. Staying longer will only feed more arguments and I don't want to turn into something I hate, if I can help it.

So Lesson 6:

Whilst there's Lesson 1 (you don't know until you try), there's also Lesson 3 (you know your lines). I know that when I reflect inwards and I am confused with which is which, then I should reflect outwards: my friends and family know me. I trust them to love me and take care of me too, so when I cannot see it clearly on my own, I know I can seek for their advice. 

Key take for this: I am a freaking lucky child.

My mom had the audacity to offer me a poison when I told her that I want to harm the person in question. That's how easy it is for me to come to a conclusion.

(Of course, I didn't poison anyone. Other than the fact that it will not bring any enjoyment to me, since my fantasies consist of more torture, I am scared that if I do they'll do some dukun shit and since I have no access to black magic let's just say that I foresee myself to be miserable and cursed by witchcraft)

So those are what it was so far. 

You know what cheered me up when I was really upset last month?

It is understanding that I am much more that what I do. And even in what I do--there are so much things that I can and want to do.

It is liberating to think that there are paths and ways available in this life, and even if there isn't, being dead is not so bad too!

Again and again, I cannot help but think how utterly lucky I am.