The Council in My Head

As I now have a divine confirmation of the fact that I am more emotionally inept than I thought I was, I have a few reflections:

1. It is more common than not. I am not special in this case. That's nice to know.
2. I am grateful for what it does for me. It hadn't hinder me from making meaningful connections and I'd even say that it's a quality appreciated from most of my peers.
3. It is now a bit of a chore to learn about them and unlearn about letting them hang around in my heart or head space without acknowledgement whatsoever, because I am just that untrained.

-

I am unsure if they are the same, but whenever I come to a situation that is unsettling (supposedly conjure uncomfortable feelings like anxiety, fear, sadness or the likes) I imagine that there is this council in my head.

They're pretty amazing. They would sit down with me and told me things that I'd like to hear and agree in the end. They all come with compelling arguments and so much compassion for me in many ways without actually making me feel pressured for anything at all.

They're so easy to listen to and I don't remember an instance where I ever had fights with them (nor them with themselves). They're a united front, they can be wrong but we'll be wrong together, and we'd be fine because we all agreed to whatever we were wrong about so there's never any hard feelings for mistakes and such.

It's like a government without opposition and for so long I've been comfortable with them. It's convenient. Imagine a tyranny but since the authority is utterly devoted to your wellbeing, feels like they pamper you instead. Most times, I think they are. It's just I have quite rigid perception of "what's right" and "what's good" that they adhere to that sometimes made me feel like perhaps I am not as pampered, then again I too am happy to be subjected to that ideal so... I don't know if that cancels things out or not.

As much as I am blessed to have them, there are times when they are not very helpful. It's when we are facing something that is out of our depth. Because they are so consistent with each other, when they have nothing, then there will be no voices in my head.

And I cannot work with anything from that silence.

I will have no clue, and perhaps nothing to say too, and I would also be silent until I can gather whatever bits I can come up with at the time. I am also quite good at admitting things that I don't know about, and sometimes I can be quick enough to conjure a good argument too, but well. I am not always sure if they're as sincere or true as when it was coming from my council.

I thought they're perfect already--and in some ways, perhaps they are--but apparently, I have found myself in novel situations where they are not as reliable. It's humbling to be reminded over and over again that the need to evolve and grow will never cease in your lifetime. 

But well. I know already that it's an inevitable consequences from staying for a long time. I just hope I will always have enough of everything I need to not loath life because I'd hate if that were to happen.

/crossing my fingers

I want to explode

I don't know what I want to write or how I want to write it, but I just really want to because I have a very intense feeling that I don't know the name except that it's a good one... Because I don't know what is it that brings me to this point.

A few things came in mind: 

1. I don't know what happened or when it happened that made me have a very late acknowledgement over what I felt in past events (it seems that there are just some things that I don't feel straight away and only come to me in retrospect)

2. I thought I am pretty good at articulating my feelings but I don't think this is the case. I'm wrong. What I am quite good at is coming to a conclusion of what could have been my feelings because sometimes my feelings do not catch up to it quick enough lol.

3. I realised that I am a pretty disciplined person that I am actually pretty disciplined about my emotions as well. This perhaps caused #1

4. I WANNA EXPLODE LOL

A few observations. 

One, a few friends asked me what my plans are, how I am doing, and I replied with what it was (just, you know, what I did, what I planned). They asked pictures, I sent them. They asked if it's nice, I said it did. One of them said "Seems like you're very happy there :)) so glad!"

It took me a while to respond.

Am I happy? I am, but mostly it's... just normal. Normal feelings regarding normal routines. It's nothing that made me elated, but it was nice. It's nice. Normal nice. Am I happy? Yes. But happy in absence of sadness or things to complained about, mostly. That's what I thought.

Two, I was grooming Choki. One of the owners for that establishment asked me, "How is it Rani, you happy?" and I don't reply immediately, I probably said something along the lines of "It's tough and I am tired but it's nice." 

I was asked about how my day went, and I described the time when I groomed them. I cried when I said it. Actual tears in my eyes, from remembering the warmth and tranquility that I felt then.

Just today, I feel so happy. I didn't have a lot of work today (and I deliberately didn't work on things I knew gonna be on my plate lol) and I actually have time to myself. Maybe that's why it finally dawned on me. I remember the things that happened, and I don't know what else the word for what I feel but happiness? I wonder why I didn't feel it when it happened but now I feel I want to explode (except now that I write it I am not on verge of exploding anymore).

It

It feels like there's this eagerness in me that has long buried and just resurfaced and confused on how to make its appearance. 

My perception of time and my feelings towards it is also a bit weird, it feels like I have all the time in the world (and I am, I think this is the default of what I feel over everything) but I am also impatient; I also 

can't wait. 

And instead of the suffocating feeling that is familiar to me when I want to hurry up and catch up and soak in everything that I thought I have to experience--the feelings I remember happened when I got a new job, when I was in SG, early days in LDN, when I was in the class for the first time--a feeling that I immediately know to tame and should not be entertained (because, rani, you have all the time in the world! Take all the time that you need!) This time

This time

I am happy. 

That... impatience, the eagerness, no longer choke me.

I don't remember if I ever felt about it this way. It confuses me. My wants confuse me and my feelings confuse me. I am not sure where all of this come from? If you asked me I don't know too! Of course I can tell you all things good about what I want and what I think is ideal, but is that really why I feel this way?

I don't know too. I just want it. I don't even know if it's love, or obsession, or me being disillusioned or any label that exist in the world. But it's just something that does not go away. For years it does not go away.

And I think it's just so easy for me to let go, you know? It's really easy.

Because I am scared too. I thought I am not, because I just bulldozed through everything in my way--meticulously, single-mindedly, unwaveringly. Even fully aware that I can't have everything I wanted, I never not try for things that I want.

I thought that I am not scared.

But I am wrong. 

Hahahaha.

I soon realised that I have a lot of fears too. There are a lot of things that I don't believe about myself. Something that I know and acknowledge, but nevertheless, often forgotten when I am so focused at the fact that I want things instead. 

(What do you expect for a person like me, who hardly can multitask even for the material, tangible things that aren't feelings)

Love was never enough for what I want. Never. I know this. And I have long been too self-centric for the sacrifices I know I have to make. I am so scared. I want to believe but it's not easy to have that belief and easier to just do it you know? 

That's it. 

That's why I'm here. 

I have so little faith, but I just want to be closer to that vision. It is easier for me to work on it than actually making myself believe that I could, would, deserve, or even had the chance to make it true.

I don't even think I am desperate you know.

But then I have cried, am crying, and will cry.

For it.

(Then again, many things make me cry. Maybe using tears as indication of intensity of my feelings were a bit off mark.)

Anyway, I don't know what's there. 

I thought perhaps, I am living the dream already.

Indeed.

For one that is longing for non-existence, my life had been a lovely one. I just hope, well.

Let's not jinx it.

I am a spoiled kid

There were some things in life that I already know that I don't fit in. 

Most of my life I think it had not been obvious to me, but I thought actually adapt and learn quite naturally to function around people generally but it turns out that I was wrong.

The reason why I can function normally is not really just that I was adapting or learning at the correct pace (I will give credit to myself that I have been growing as a human being in a lot of ways) but because I have been utterly spoiled by my friends and family, to think that I actually function well. 

Lol.

A thing I realised is that getting a certain level of understanding from someone close to me was rewarding (there were so many times I was surprised of how my friends or family just know, though to be fair I never pretend to be anything that I am not), but now that I think again, perhaps it was less about the fact that they understand me that matters, it's more that they accept me for who I am.

I know that a lot of decisions I made in life (or the way I just do things) does not come naturally for everyone else. I thought that this is normal--I find that many things I observe in people does not come naturally for me too, so I thought it's a personality thing. People are built different. Some people more different than others perhaps. Anyway. I had that moment when it dawns on me that my extended family actually have a very meticulous standard of what good girls should be and I didn't fit in that mold. However, unlike many of my other cousins, who will be chastised and reminded over and over and over, they just leave me be.

So apparently, all these years--me not having an actual mental breakdown every time I visit family like many other normal Indonesian citizen--is most likely because they just put me into "Oh rani is just that odd cookie" and they leave me be. I am quite sure that the conception and believe of everything that I am is alien to them but, they leave me be. 

That was exhibit A. Exhibit B is probably my high school where I met oddest and nicest and most accepting environment in my whole life, which was followed consequently by getting into FISIP where things are also a whole circus there. It seems that for most of my life, I will meet wonderful people who might understand or not understand me, but just accept me for who I was and not bat an eyelash.

I have an entirely different perception of life and relationship and it does not change much because everyone in my life mostly had been accommodating in not correcting them whatsoever lol. What I meant by this is that there is no consequences over all the fuckupity that I've done over my choices of life and things are mostly peaceful and normal (for me). They might not really get where I come from, but they're ok with me anyway. In that sense, I have always been lucky. 

Luckiest.

Now I am in a predicament because my approach in the way I bond with people (which I thought was normal because it has never been challenged in my whole life) was not how it works in this society and I cringed at how absolutely detached and clinical in understanding all of this. I dread the idea that I will and bound to hurt people that I love and care about and I am not even gonna feel guilty about it. More than anyone else I know how merciless I can be and I dread this so hard, maybe I should've died before this episode is happening to my life.

I think I have had moments in thinking that maybe I wasn't so different with everyone else--that my feelings had always been sincere and true--but I will come to realisation again that whatever is people have in their sleeve is not gonna be something that I can take care of properly. That my ignorance over their feelings (thinking that it was enough that whatever I have is there) is actually a selfish point of view that I would not change anyway because I don't see anything wrong with myself putting my best interest first and foremost. I have utter conviction that I am inept in getting these responsibilities and people will not believe that I am because I have been an absolute darling but then it will happen and people are gonna be in pain when that happens (maybe also me). Absolute joke of the universe is that I don't wanna make my important people sad but I have been (and probably will) become their source of torment lol. I can't believe. 

Ok but we'll see, I hope this won't turn for the worse because I'm a weak awkward being and maybe I will be lucky that whatever this is will be resolved in ways that is pain-free for everyone. I thought that me being dead was most pain-free, but it was perhaps most pain-free for me.

-

Funny thing is that I learn a lot of things that I am right about and wrong about.

I was wrong: I am more patient than I give myself credit for. I am more forgiving than I thought I was. Yet I am not as kind and not as unaffected. I was wrong, and I unflinchingly, readily, accept all my mistakes and wrongness because it's fine. I am fine. Of course, it's always easier to accept your mistakes when you're not hurt.

I am right: I am not cut for this. I don't fit. It does not matter because, I too am right that I am enough. I am not more or less, I am enough, and I like it. I am shamelessly, utterly uncaring if people think otherwise. 

-

I have been waiting for death for many years of my life and the deadline that I set for this universe to take me had passed. I am still alive. Now I am forced to think about the future beyond the precautions that I come up with in my youth.

So I am. I am thinking it and I am paving my way to it. Be that way, universe. Be that way. I will continue to wish for you to end me, and you'll see that I am not changing my mind even after many more years living.

People and I

Sometimes my friends would joke about what I did and then I would ask myself if it hurt them. Because it's true that it happened and whilst I don't feel the things that they jokingly said I felt (I don't take it to mind, really) I wonder if it hurt them. Sometimes they don't tell me--or maybe they did, and I just don't get it spectacularly. They will leave it at that. I will leave it at that too.

Because I am actually very good at telling myself to let things be. I think a lot but they hardly stuff that makes me suffer, you see.

There are things about me that my friends know without me saying. Sometimes I think they just know and then don't bother--maybe because I can be difficult. Sometimes they would address it--and it would be a pleasant surprise for me when I realise that they knew more than they let on. I am grateful. Because I know it's not easy.

The thing is, I exercise speaking what I feel a lot. I think I am quite eloquent in saying things that I know. But sometimes, I will have feelings that I don't know of, so I won't be able to say it well. Sometimes I will deal, and I don't tell, because I don't know what to tell either. I wish I could give people closure, but alas, I too not have it. The lies I tell to myself--I never knew what they were.

A friend had said how 'self-absorbed' I am. I don't disagree. I don't give and feel for people to give and feel for me. Things I say and do--no one owe me anything for it. I think knowing that you put yourself as the person you care for through all the things you do (even for others) is ideal for me. But I recognise that it is exactly because of that, I fail many times in understanding that people don't think and feel like I do. Of course they don't. 

I am aware, and still, I will fail. 

But I accepted it. It was a flaw that I am not sure how to fix. To be honest, I thought I have been making progress each time. 

In every encounter and every additional people who I come to treasure in my life, I would like to believe that I understand them better and better too. 

Regardless, I understand that my efforts were not always sufficient, and I would accept if I am no longer serve purpose in their lives.

I am actually really awkward, you know? 

I don't know how to keep people around me. I honestly have no clue. I too know that there's nothing I have on people to stop them from leaving. Why would I want to keep anyone who no longer want me? But some just there for a while, and some have been a constant in my life, and I don't know the reason. I am just grateful that they are. 

Thank you. 

So good to me

The start of the year is quite... tough for me hehe.

For some reason my birth month was filled with uncomfortable feelings. Uncomfortable feelings that I cannot explain myself. 

I felt so unpleasant. I isolated myself more then, the urge to not interact is just so great--I just don't want to be with anyone when I know I'm not a pleasant company.

It got better. It passes. In ways I cannot explain either. Things just stop making me feel terrible. I am not as tired anymore and I am back to normal again.

It came and it went without explanation nor reason I care to know, since what matters is that I'm ok. I think even then, I'm ok too. I'm just not the best, and I'm more tired than ever.

Perhaps I really dread that time because I wish to not live past it.

Yet here I am.

Maybe it took the whole month for me to make peace with that, I don't know. Maybe it's entirely something else either. 

I think I've always known I like my own company best.

Those times were the times when I feel it more than ever.

It felt so good. I can't believe how agreeable I am to myself. How easy I am to come to peace. How easy it was to subside the noises in my head. I can truly trust myself that I worked the hardest to make me happy. In those alone times, I feel secure and whole too. 

I am amazed how good I am listening to myself. Maybe it's a talent. A scary one, because who knows whom I'd hurt for my own convenience. But still, I am grateful for it. I can be happy with myself. 

I actually like me. 

Felt so good to be right in the head.

...Actually, I don't know if I'm right in the head. But it felt like it. 

Time felt a bit weird lately. It felt longer. I don't know if it has happened even last year, but I feel this year is long too. I don't know if it's the work or the pandemic that made the time felt longer. Or if the time indeed become longer.

Or if there's something about my perception of time that changed. I don't know what.

I'm learning Korean. We'll see how that goes.