The start of the year is quite... tough for me hehe.
For some reason my birth month was filled with uncomfortable feelings. Uncomfortable feelings that I cannot explain myself.
I felt so unpleasant. I isolated myself more then, the urge to not interact is just so great--I just don't want to be with anyone when I know I'm not a pleasant company.
It got better. It passes. In ways I cannot explain either. Things just stop making me feel terrible. I am not as tired anymore and I am back to normal again.
It came and it went without explanation nor reason I care to know, since what matters is that I'm ok. I think even then, I'm ok too. I'm just not the best, and I'm more tired than ever.
Perhaps I really dread that time because I wish to not live past it.
Yet here I am.
Maybe it took the whole month for me to make peace with that, I don't know. Maybe it's entirely something else either.
I think I've always known I like my own company best.
Those times were the times when I feel it more than ever.
It felt so good. I can't believe how agreeable I am to myself. How easy I am to come to peace. How easy it was to subside the noises in my head. I can truly trust myself that I worked the hardest to make me happy. In those alone times, I feel secure and whole too.
I am amazed how good I am listening to myself. Maybe it's a talent. A scary one, because who knows whom I'd hurt for my own convenience. But still, I am grateful for it. I can be happy with myself.
I actually like me.
Felt so good to be right in the head.
...Actually, I don't know if I'm right in the head. But it felt like it.
Time felt a bit weird lately. It felt longer. I don't know if it has happened even last year, but I feel this year is long too. I don't know if it's the work or the pandemic that made the time felt longer. Or if the time indeed become longer.
Or if there's something about my perception of time that changed. I don't know what.
I'm learning Korean. We'll see how that goes.
