Sometimes my friends would joke about what I did and then I would ask myself if it hurt them. Because it's true that it happened and whilst I don't feel the things that they jokingly said I felt (I don't take it to mind, really) I wonder if it hurt them. Sometimes they don't tell me--or maybe they did, and I just don't get it spectacularly. They will leave it at that. I will leave it at that too.
Because I am actually very good at telling myself to let things be. I think a lot but they hardly stuff that makes me suffer, you see.
There are things about me that my friends know without me saying. Sometimes I think they just know and then don't bother--maybe because I can be difficult. Sometimes they would address it--and it would be a pleasant surprise for me when I realise that they knew more than they let on. I am grateful. Because I know it's not easy.
The thing is, I exercise speaking what I feel a lot. I think I am quite eloquent in saying things that I know. But sometimes, I will have feelings that I don't know of, so I won't be able to say it well. Sometimes I will deal, and I don't tell, because I don't know what to tell either. I wish I could give people closure, but alas, I too not have it. The lies I tell to myself--I never knew what they were.
A friend had said how 'self-absorbed' I am. I don't disagree. I don't give and feel for people to give and feel for me. Things I say and do--no one owe me anything for it. I think knowing that you put yourself as the person you care for through all the things you do (even for others) is ideal for me. But I recognise that it is exactly because of that, I fail many times in understanding that people don't think and feel like I do. Of course they don't.
I am aware, and still, I will fail.
But I accepted it. It was a flaw that I am not sure how to fix. To be honest, I thought I have been making progress each time.
In every encounter and every additional people who I come to treasure in my life, I would like to believe that I understand them better and better too.
Regardless, I understand that my efforts were not always sufficient, and I would accept if I am no longer serve purpose in their lives.
I am actually really awkward, you know?
I don't know how to keep people around me. I honestly have no clue. I too know that there's nothing I have on people to stop them from leaving. Why would I want to keep anyone who no longer want me? But some just there for a while, and some have been a constant in my life, and I don't know the reason. I am just grateful that they are.
Thank you.
