There were some things in life that I already know that I don't fit in.
Most of my life I think it had not been obvious to me, but I thought actually adapt and learn quite naturally to function around people generally but it turns out that I was wrong.
The reason why I can function normally is not really just that I was adapting or learning at the correct pace (I will give credit to myself that I have been growing as a human being in a lot of ways) but because I have been utterly spoiled by my friends and family, to think that I actually function well.
Lol.
A thing I realised is that getting a certain level of understanding from someone close to me was rewarding (there were so many times I was surprised of how my friends or family just know, though to be fair I never pretend to be anything that I am not), but now that I think again, perhaps it was less about the fact that they understand me that matters, it's more that they accept me for who I am.
I know that a lot of decisions I made in life (or the way I just do things) does not come naturally for everyone else. I thought that this is normal--I find that many things I observe in people does not come naturally for me too, so I thought it's a personality thing. People are built different. Some people more different than others perhaps. Anyway. I had that moment when it dawns on me that my extended family actually have a very meticulous standard of what good girls should be and I didn't fit in that mold. However, unlike many of my other cousins, who will be chastised and reminded over and over and over, they just leave me be.
So apparently, all these years--me not having an actual mental breakdown every time I visit family like many other normal Indonesian citizen--is most likely because they just put me into "Oh rani is just that odd cookie" and they leave me be. I am quite sure that the conception and believe of everything that I am is alien to them but, they leave me be.
That was exhibit A. Exhibit B is probably my high school where I met oddest and nicest and most accepting environment in my whole life, which was followed consequently by getting into FISIP where things are also a whole circus there. It seems that for most of my life, I will meet wonderful people who might understand or not understand me, but just accept me for who I was and not bat an eyelash.
I have an entirely different perception of life and relationship and it does not change much because everyone in my life mostly had been accommodating in not correcting them whatsoever lol. What I meant by this is that there is no consequences over all the fuckupity that I've done over my choices of life and things are mostly peaceful and normal (for me). They might not really get where I come from, but they're ok with me anyway. In that sense, I have always been lucky.
Luckiest.
Now I am in a predicament because my approach in the way I bond with people (which I thought was normal because it has never been challenged in my whole life) was not how it works in this society and I cringed at how absolutely detached and clinical in understanding all of this. I dread the idea that I will and bound to hurt people that I love and care about and I am not even gonna feel guilty about it. More than anyone else I know how merciless I can be and I dread this so hard, maybe I should've died before this episode is happening to my life.
I think I have had moments in thinking that maybe I wasn't so different with everyone else--that my feelings had always been sincere and true--but I will come to realisation again that whatever is people have in their sleeve is not gonna be something that I can take care of properly. That my ignorance over their feelings (thinking that it was enough that whatever I have is there) is actually a selfish point of view that I would not change anyway because I don't see anything wrong with myself putting my best interest first and foremost. I have utter conviction that I am inept in getting these responsibilities and people will not believe that I am because I have been an absolute darling but then it will happen and people are gonna be in pain when that happens (maybe also me). Absolute joke of the universe is that I don't wanna make my important people sad but I have been (and probably will) become their source of torment lol. I can't believe.
Ok but we'll see, I hope this won't turn for the worse because I'm a weak awkward being and maybe I will be lucky that whatever this is will be resolved in ways that is pain-free for everyone. I thought that me being dead was most pain-free, but it was perhaps most pain-free for me.
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Funny thing is that I learn a lot of things that I am right about and wrong about.
I was wrong: I am more patient than I give myself credit for. I am more forgiving than I thought I was. Yet I am not as kind and not as unaffected. I was wrong, and I unflinchingly, readily, accept all my mistakes and wrongness because it's fine. I am fine. Of course, it's always easier to accept your mistakes when you're not hurt.
I am right: I am not cut for this. I don't fit. It does not matter because, I too am right that I am enough. I am not more or less, I am enough, and I like it. I am shamelessly, utterly uncaring if people think otherwise.
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I have been waiting for death for many years of my life and the deadline that I set for this universe to take me had passed. I am still alive. Now I am forced to think about the future beyond the precautions that I come up with in my youth.
So I am. I am thinking it and I am paving my way to it. Be that way, universe. Be that way. I will continue to wish for you to end me, and you'll see that I am not changing my mind even after many more years living.
