A few things came in mind:
1. I don't know what happened or when it happened that made me have a very late acknowledgement over what I felt in past events (it seems that there are just some things that I don't feel straight away and only come to me in retrospect)
2. I thought I am pretty good at articulating my feelings but I don't think this is the case. I'm wrong. What I am quite good at is coming to a conclusion of what could have been my feelings because sometimes my feelings do not catch up to it quick enough lol.
3. I realised that I am a pretty disciplined person that I am actually pretty disciplined about my emotions as well. This perhaps caused #1
4. I WANNA EXPLODE LOL
A few observations.
One, a few friends asked me what my plans are, how I am doing, and I replied with what it was (just, you know, what I did, what I planned). They asked pictures, I sent them. They asked if it's nice, I said it did. One of them said "Seems like you're very happy there :)) so glad!"
It took me a while to respond.
Am I happy? I am, but mostly it's... just normal. Normal feelings regarding normal routines. It's nothing that made me elated, but it was nice. It's nice. Normal nice. Am I happy? Yes. But happy in absence of sadness or things to complained about, mostly. That's what I thought.
Two, I was grooming Choki. One of the owners for that establishment asked me, "How is it Rani, you happy?" and I don't reply immediately, I probably said something along the lines of "It's tough and I am tired but it's nice."
I was asked about how my day went, and I described the time when I groomed them. I cried when I said it. Actual tears in my eyes, from remembering the warmth and tranquility that I felt then.
Just today, I feel so happy. I didn't have a lot of work today (and I deliberately didn't work on things I knew gonna be on my plate lol) and I actually have time to myself. Maybe that's why it finally dawned on me. I remember the things that happened, and I don't know what else the word for what I feel but happiness? I wonder why I didn't feel it when it happened but now I feel I want to explode (except now that I write it I am not on verge of exploding anymore).
It
It feels like there's this eagerness in me that has long buried and just resurfaced and confused on how to make its appearance.
My perception of time and my feelings towards it is also a bit weird, it feels like I have all the time in the world (and I am, I think this is the default of what I feel over everything) but I am also impatient; I also
can't wait.
And instead of the suffocating feeling that is familiar to me when I want to hurry up and catch up and soak in everything that I thought I have to experience--the feelings I remember happened when I got a new job, when I was in SG, early days in LDN, when I was in the class for the first time--a feeling that I immediately know to tame and should not be entertained (because, rani, you have all the time in the world! Take all the time that you need!) This time
This time
I am happy.
That... impatience, the eagerness, no longer choke me.
I don't remember if I ever felt about it this way. It confuses me. My wants confuse me and my feelings confuse me. I am not sure where all of this come from? If you asked me I don't know too! Of course I can tell you all things good about what I want and what I think is ideal, but is that really why I feel this way?
I don't know too. I just want it. I don't even know if it's love, or obsession, or me being disillusioned or any label that exist in the world. But it's just something that does not go away. For years it does not go away.
And I think it's just so easy for me to let go, you know? It's really easy.
Because I am scared too. I thought I am not, because I just bulldozed through everything in my way--meticulously, single-mindedly, unwaveringly. Even fully aware that I can't have everything I wanted, I never not try for things that I want.
I thought that I am not scared.
But I am wrong.
Hahahaha.
I soon realised that I have a lot of fears too. There are a lot of things that I don't believe about myself. Something that I know and acknowledge, but nevertheless, often forgotten when I am so focused at the fact that I want things instead.
(What do you expect for a person like me, who hardly can multitask even for the material, tangible things that aren't feelings)
Love was never enough for what I want. Never. I know this. And I have long been too self-centric for the sacrifices I know I have to make. I am so scared. I want to believe but it's not easy to have that belief and easier to just do it you know?
That's it.
That's why I'm here.
I have so little faith, but I just want to be closer to that vision. It is easier for me to work on it than actually making myself believe that I could, would, deserve, or even had the chance to make it true.
I don't even think I am desperate you know.
But then I have cried, am crying, and will cry.
For it.
(Then again, many things make me cry. Maybe using tears as indication of intensity of my feelings were a bit off mark.)
Anyway, I don't know what's there.
I thought perhaps, I am living the dream already.
Indeed.
For one that is longing for non-existence, my life had been a lovely one. I just hope, well.
Let's not jinx it.
