As I now have a divine confirmation of the fact that I am more emotionally inept than I thought I was, I have a few reflections:
- It is more common than not. I am not special in this case. That's nice to know.
- I am grateful for what it does for me. It hadn't hinder me from making meaningful connections and I'd even say that it's a quality appreciated from most of my peers.
- It is now a bit of a chore to learn about them and unlearn about letting them hang around in my heart or head space without acknowledgement whatsoever, because I am just that untrained.
-
I am unsure if they are the same, but whenever I come to a situation that is unsettling (supposedly conjure uncomfortable feelings like anxiety, fear, sadness or the likes) I imagine that there is this council in my head.
They're pretty amazing. They would sit down with me and told me things that I'd like to hear and agree in the end. They all come with compelling arguments and so much compassion for me in many ways without actually making me feel pressured for anything at all.
They're so easy to listen to and I don't remember an instance where I ever had fights with them (nor them with themselves). They're a united front, they can be wrong but we'll be wrong together, and we'd be fine because we all agreed to whatever we were wrong about so there's never any hard feelings for mistakes and such.
It's like a government without opposition and for so long I've been comfortable with them. It's convenient. Imagine a tyranny but since the authority is utterly devoted to your wellbeing, feels like they pamper you instead. Most times, I think they are. It's just I have quite rigid perception of "what's right" and "what's good" that they adhere to that sometimes made me feel like perhaps I am not as pampered, then again I too am happy to be subjected to that ideal so... I don't know if that cancels things out or not.
As much as I am blessed to have them, there are times when they are not very helpful. It's when we are facing something that is out of our depth. Because they are so consistent with each other, when they have nothing, then there will be no voices in my head.
And I cannot work with anything from that silence.
I will have no clue, and perhaps nothing to say too, and I would also be silent until I can gather whatever bits I can come up with at the time. I am also quite good at admitting things that I don't know about, and sometimes I can be quick enough to conjure a good argument too, but well. I am not always sure if they're as sincere or true as when it was coming from my council.
I thought they're perfect already--and in some ways, perhaps they are--but apparently, I have found myself in novel situations where they are not as reliable. It's humbling to be reminded over and over again that the need to evolve and grow will never cease in your lifetime.
But well. I know already that it's an inevitable consequences from staying for a long time. I just hope I will always have enough of everything I need to not loath life because I'd hate if that were to happen.
/crossing my fingers
