Last year had been a lot of things and I hope this year would be kinder to me.
I am happy. For some reason, I feel like whatever it was that I have had accepted cognitively, had just registered in my heart. In other words, I think I finally succeeded in accepting them emotionally as I was cognitively. I am happy to know this development as well, because it seems that I didn't really wait or notice if things I "take" as truth in my head is processed properly for me in the heart.
Among other things, this includes the idea that I am unashamedly selfish and that I am not bothered with the idea of not knowing. I thought these are just facts about me that I have known and embrace all this time, but growing up apparently also meant that the extent of my selfishness and my ignorance are challenged, and at this point I come again to a point that I feel is a new equilibrium. It's nice!
Every time I remember that I am my favorite person, it made a lot of sense why I'm so easy on myself. Maybe my growth stunted in certain way because of it but it's the price I pay for this much convenience and peace, that feels like an alright bargain.
When I was in Salatiga I was really happy. Last week there was a time I thought "I want to be happy again,"
Am I not? I think about it, and it seems wrong to attach so much happiness to a place and a memory. There were so many things that made me happy at the time, but ultimately, it was that I perceive them as a source of joy that it felt like a dream.
For me, a lot of things are a "I'm glad it happened". Some things I want to stay forever in my life--a constant, a routine, a bond--but that I got the opportunity to taste and experience the joy that it have given me, I am happy already.
I want to continue to be happy and free, at some point I forgot that I could wait for my death enjoying life for the sake of it.
A bit of a note, it feels like I have been experiencing time or days in a very... conscious manner. I feel it passes. It makes days and weeks and months feels a bit like forever all the time, always feels like I experience a lot of things. Not sure if it's a good thing or not, but it's nothing horrible I guess. Don't know if it'll last.
Happy new year!
