Pest Control

I saw a pest control.. truck? Van? I'm not sure. It's one that says something about getting rid of pests. Yeah. That, I saw that when I was on the way to the airport.

If one think that it's ok to kill and selectively (completely?) annihilated a group of bugs because most of them are considered as the cause instability or chaos or ruining what's around them (according to one particular species who thinks they're smart enough to decide what's bad or good) I think it's very understandable that there'll come a time when a pack of creatures from outer space trying to annihilate human beings from the earth. 

I don't know.

Maybe some rats are just there to enjoy the life, you know? Ponder about great things they can do to make the world better, help other rats to achieve whatever achievement considered by their kind, care about their young ones, coexist with other fellow pest. Maybe they're trapped in a system where they have no choice but to live as what people considered as pest, because that's what are expected from them by their kind--thinking that it's their nature to make people suffer. Maybe there are some of them who actually bad, but the rest are silent majority that live their life without being considered as different than the bad ones. 

But of course not. 

They're rats. 

Rats don't have life. Right? So it's ok to think that we can kill them. Or wanting them to die. 

So does cockroach. Or moths. Or other creatures that are considered as pest. Whatever. They deserve to be get rid of. They aren't nearly as smart or resourceful as some other creatures, what's the point of keeping them around? They're only there to damage what's around them. Losing them wouldn't be a big deal.

(If the aliens are coming, I called it. But I think there's a greater possibility that they actually believe that human being will annihilate themselves without them having to send trucks, so.) 

Not-Yet-Asleep Post #1

Oh dear.

It's just the first half of the year and I already missed 2 months, without updating this blog.

The thing was, I actually have things I want to say. I have things I worry about. Things that are on my mind and probably good things to put into words. But I didn't.

I was lazy. Other times I was tired. The other times I wasn't in the mood anymore. Okay.

So this is like, a few days counting to my thesis defense. I was worried and scared and all that, but being worried, scared, and whatever else don't last really long when you are the kind of person who constantly remind yourself that those sort of things don't matter and you don't matter and nothing actually matters in the end. It bugged me for a day or two (like, haunting me in my sleep), guess it doesn't anymore, but we'll see (I don't really understand how being a "Being" actually works, you know; with you living in a body that you can't even figure out, thoughts that you can't really control, and emotions that are hard to decipher--each trying to make sense each other and failed most of the time).

The other thing is that despite me not very motivated on living, I actually think about possibilities of living, you know. But apparently, possibilities of living that I should think of are possibilities of living in normal (how do you even define that), middle class, achievement-education-worthy (I don't get this one either) scenarios. Should I contemplate living in a space ship? No. Become a butcher? No. Having a giant mutant dog as life companion? No. (Well, at least me wanting to raise non-mutant animals is ok, but still). Apparently, those thoughts are trash. And me saying that out loud: that's trash talk. I'm sorry, everyone whom I talked these things to: I didn't mean for you guys to be a dumpster, really. (I made this blog to be sort-of one, I'll try stick to it)

Also, lately I'm having a bad time trying to sleep. "Trying" to sleep has always been hard for me, as long as I can remember, but it's worst recently. Hoping that it'll be better today, but God usually laughs at things we're hoping for or thought of. We're funny that way, I guess. We just don't know better. I mean, yeah. I'm writing at the moment because I have trouble sleeping, to realize that not only that I missed January, I also missed June.

It's not just this. My dream journal has long since being updated. I actually have pretty vivid and interesting dreams this past months (it gets harder to recall as days past) but yeah. I was lazy. Other times I was tired. The other times I wasn't in the mood anymore. Same old, same old.

Ah.
Another thing.

Having almost ending college, the talks that come up are plans and dreams. Talks about next steps. About the future. I'm really bad at talking about the future. Maybe I'm just not that kind of person.

I just want things to end soon, you know?

Sometimes People Don't Want Pies

Sometimes people just don't want things.

But it seems like it's a really big deal when everyone want that particular thing and you don't, because NONSENSE! Why would anyone not want those things?

Like,
some people don't want pies.


It's not that they don't like pies. They're not against pie or anything. Or hate pies. Or in Anti Pie Movement. They just don't want pies. But in the world where the existence of pies are legitimated by the law, supported by the norm, encourage by religion, wanted by majority of society--it seemed that people can't not want pies.

(Even though there are a lot of other food available to eat. To be wanted.)

In that world, people are allowed to want other food, but they still have to want pies.

I don't understand.
Pies are just... food, right?

Sometimes people don't want them because they have reasons. It can be fundamental nor silly, but it's enough for them to not want pies. Like, maybe pies are against a particular religion or tradition. Or they're full for what might be a long time and have no room for pies. Or they're allergic to pies in general. Or I don't know. I guess people are free to not want pies for no reason. I mean, just because everyone wants them, doesn't mean you want them too, right?

Wrong.

Say I'm that person. I don't want pies. And I said:

I don't want pies. I don't think I need pies. 

But no, they said. You don't understand. Pie has sugar in it. You need sugar to live! Sugar is important for you! That's why you should want pies.

But I'd say, yeah... Sugar is important. But donut has sugar in it too. 

Then they would say, yeah, but THAT'S DIFFERENT. That's not pie. It has different things that pie has!

Obviously. I guess, but I think I'd survive eating donuts instead of pies.

Will they accept that I'd just need donuts and rice and other sweet stuff to survive? Without pies? Nah. They most likely won't. They like pies and enjoy pies and even though donuts have that important thing pies have it's not suffice because donuts aren't pies, you see?

Well, I guess when everyone wants something, and have everything around them saying that it's good for you, and that it's delicious, you would want that. It's possible that you initially don't want them, but as the time goes and you see everyone is eating pies and happy and satisfied with their pies, you'd want them then. But can't people just take it that people might not want it, be it for now, or for forever?

But no. No. No. No. No.

It would be just me, not old enough to understand how I'd need pies and how essential pies are for life.
Me, being weird for thinking that pies can be replaced by some other food that more or less has the same ingredients. And even if I don't want pies, I'd still have to have pies. Because if I don't have pies, my parents will be sad and I'd live a very sad life for not having pies. People would talk how I don't have pies and how I'm bad because I don't have pies.

They won't understand when I said that I don't want pies, because, who doesn't want pies? They say.
People can't possibly live with just waffles and pancakes. They need pies!



So.

That's tough isn't it. Not wanting pies.

Being Happy

You know.

I don't think it's very hard to be happy. I made a list about how to stay happy, but I think it has always been simpler than that.

I come to understand that because it really is you who make yourself happy; you can really come up with anything and be happy with that.

I think you can convince yourself to feel happy, or sad, or angry, or anything really. If you believe in it very hard and very long, it will stain so hard in your heart and mind that it'll come to you naturally.

(But if it isn't--you'll come to a realization and I guess the most common reaction is that you'll think you were very stupid.)

Then again, I don't think it's just about feelings.

When you believe in something really hard and long, what you believe will be your reality. I think it's also how religion works with theist, or how people somewhere in places or situations one would consider very pitiful can have what others perceived as false sense of security. Or false consciousness. Something along those lines.

Anyway.

I was wondering if it's wrong to be happy for those things. It sounds really wrong--why would it be wrong to be happy? What makes happy wrong?

But if being happy is really what you create; what you make up in your mind, regardless what situation you're in or what kind of things that cause it, isn't that mean we can practically be happy with anything?

Is it wrong if we're happy because of lies that we're convinced are true? Feelings that we believe are sincere? Circumstances that we think are ideal? Is it wrong to be happy by doing things considered as sinful by God? Or immoral by society? Is it wrong to enjoy things that makes you ignorant or dumb? Is it bad that...

Seriously. What are the lines?

Who decides one can be happy with what?

What if we're not allowed to be happy with everything?

Because it becomes obvious that some things that are breaking the rules or hurt other people seemed to be something we shouldn't... (can't?) be happy for/about (I'm pretty sure there are a lot of people in jail who actually enjoy the crimes they committed) Finding pleasure in things that causing people misery is a bad thing right?

But since you practically can be happy with anything...

Isn't it easy to find other things to be happy about?

So I guess it doesn't really matter then.




But still. The fact that we can actually be happy with anything, but not exactly allowed to be happy with anything... is kinda sad. I think.

And maybe unfair? I don't know.

Kepo

There are people whom I wish write more in their social media.

Because I want to know more about them. I want to know how they are doing and what's on their mind. What are their concerns. What they think about things.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone wants to know more about me. How I'm doing and whatever-thing else. But it kinda creeps me out. Now I kinda get the sentiment why some people whom I wish write more in social media don't write more, hehe.

But I guess I too, don't share a lot of things. But I do share things. But more than anything, I share them for my convenience and interest. Like this blog, for example. I have long forgotten why I made this blog, but I am keeping it and keep writing on it for my sake. It's a nice thing. It's nice to write, you know? It's nice to write and know that it'll be read by yourself some time in the future, letting her know she's going through, how she changed, and what makes her changed. This blog hasn't been around that long and I see that I have change plenty. Sort of.

Other than that, writing always ease thoughts and feelings I think. Wording what's inside is a very good way to see or assess them more clearly. It's not once or twice that I found answers for my own questions just by putting them into paragraphs (which I previously intended to only be a paragraphs of questions). Then again, you can write anywhere-it doesn't necessarily have to be social media or whatever else accessible to people hm. Oh well.

Anyway, yeah. Even though I get why these people-whom-I-wish-write-more-in-their-social-media don't write more often than they already did, I kinda still wish they do.