Happy Pessimist

I like myself a lot.

This, doesn't change. For all my life I know I like myself a lot. I love pampering myself, make myself happy, make myself content. There are some things in me that changed though. Like... the way I see things and the way I think about things. Because I know more stuffs now. I learn more stuffs. I see more stuffs. And with that, I changed. I don't think it changes the important stuffs though. It never changes who I really am, I think. If anything, now that I know better, I understand myself better too, and recognize myself better too. There are things that instead of changing, I think it's more like I'm revealing myself. I discover myself. At least what have came to light until now, that is. But nevertheless, yeah.

Anyway.

I thought I was an optimist. I thought I am. Maybe I was. But now that I think about it, that was because I've always associated happiness with optimism, where I was a happy pessimist all along. I thought I was happy because I always see the best of things.

But I didn't.

It was never because I always see the good things; it was because I've never failed to see the worse and embraced it. It came very naturally for me to see failure until I become comfortable with the idea, how I think being dead comforts me when I live a relatively good life, how horrible societies are when people around me are nothing but lovely and wonderful. Counting my lucky stars up there, preparing myself when everything around me crumbles. But it never really stop me from being happy, you know?

If there's any subject that I mention hundreds of times in my blog, it's gotta be about happiness (and goodness, which I've to give more thought because now I think I understand why I'm so confused about the notion). Why? Most likely because that's one subject that I feel close to. Can relate to. Like I have sufficient 'knowledge' of.

And I like it.
I like being happy.

I guess it makes sense, maybe it's exactly because I've always see things in a very pessimistic point of view that everything I get become something that I can be grateful for, things that I can be happy about.    Silver linings become obvious to me, because my clouds are so freaking dark. But I think it's more of the fact that I like being happy, and I want to be happy, so despite everything I make everything become things I can be happy about.

But then again, I have every reason in the world to be happy. I'm loved by my parents and sister, born as a majority, financially stable, have proper education and funny and nice friends, also born in the era where live is easier than it was 10 years before then, etc etc. So of course I am. I should. Right?

I really don't know what is wrong with me.

When I die (old draft)

"When I died, will I be missed?"

It crossed my mind some time ago. Don't get me wrong, I think about death a lot. You don't need a sucky life to think about death. You don't need to be depressed or stressed or feel unloved or bullied to think about death. Simply because everyone dies--whatever they do or think or feel. So in my defense, I think it's perfectly normal for a mortal being that I am, to think about death in daily basis.

Yeah, back to that. Will I be missed? I thought that I want people to miss me.. to feel like my presence is important. To feel like it's a shame for them not having me around anymore. I thought.

But now that I think about it, I think the fact that I might be missed is a burden. It makes me... I don't know. It burdens me.

I don't really mind dying. Well... even if I do it'll happen anyway so why bother, right? But other than that, I just don't think of me dying is a big deal. Leaving whatever is behind me or what awaits... I don't really mind--I don't really care. Not because I'm sure of whatever I'll face after death, also not because I don't like what I have in life and not because I don't have a dream.

I just don't mind.

Mortals die.

So it doesn't really matter really.




But when I thought that I'll be missed, that people I love would be sad...
It makes it hard for me to not mind anymore.

I don't want people I love to be sad. I know what it feels like to be left behind and it's really sad.
I don't want people I love to be sad like I have--even more if it's because of me.
But more than anything, it burdens me--not being able to not mind anymore.

In the end, I'll die. Just like any other mortal creatures.
At that time, I'd probably don't really mind. So please don't make me feel otherwise.




Then again, I can't blame anyone if they miss me sometimes. So it's okay, miss me. But don't miss me too much because when you miss someone too much you're bound to be sad. I just don't want my death makes people I love sad.

(I don't want my death makes people happy either--that sounds really bad.)


p.s. Written originally some time in early 2014

Pest Control

I saw a pest control.. truck? Van? I'm not sure. It's one that says something about getting rid of pests. Yeah. That, I saw that when I was on the way to the airport.

If one think that it's ok to kill and selectively (completely?) annihilated a group of bugs because most of them are considered as the cause instability or chaos or ruining what's around them (according to one particular species who thinks they're smart enough to decide what's bad or good) I think it's very understandable that there'll come a time when a pack of creatures from outer space trying to annihilate human beings from the earth. 

I don't know.

Maybe some rats are just there to enjoy the life, you know? Ponder about great things they can do to make the world better, help other rats to achieve whatever achievement considered by their kind, care about their young ones, coexist with other fellow pest. Maybe they're trapped in a system where they have no choice but to live as what people considered as pest, because that's what are expected from them by their kind--thinking that it's their nature to make people suffer. Maybe there are some of them who actually bad, but the rest are silent majority that live their life without being considered as different than the bad ones. 

But of course not. 

They're rats. 

Rats don't have life. Right? So it's ok to think that we can kill them. Or wanting them to die. 

So does cockroach. Or moths. Or other creatures that are considered as pest. Whatever. They deserve to be get rid of. They aren't nearly as smart or resourceful as some other creatures, what's the point of keeping them around? They're only there to damage what's around them. Losing them wouldn't be a big deal.

(If the aliens are coming, I called it. But I think there's a greater possibility that they actually believe that human being will annihilate themselves without them having to send trucks, so.) 

Not-Yet-Asleep Post #1

Oh dear.

It's just the first half of the year and I already missed 2 months, without updating this blog.

The thing was, I actually have things I want to say. I have things I worry about. Things that are on my mind and probably good things to put into words. But I didn't.

I was lazy. Other times I was tired. The other times I wasn't in the mood anymore. Okay.

So this is like, a few days counting to my thesis defense. I was worried and scared and all that, but being worried, scared, and whatever else don't last really long when you are the kind of person who constantly remind yourself that those sort of things don't matter and you don't matter and nothing actually matters in the end. It bugged me for a day or two (like, haunting me in my sleep), guess it doesn't anymore, but we'll see (I don't really understand how being a "Being" actually works, you know; with you living in a body that you can't even figure out, thoughts that you can't really control, and emotions that are hard to decipher--each trying to make sense each other and failed most of the time).

The other thing is that despite me not very motivated on living, I actually think about possibilities of living, you know. But apparently, possibilities of living that I should think of are possibilities of living in normal (how do you even define that), middle class, achievement-education-worthy (I don't get this one either) scenarios. Should I contemplate living in a space ship? No. Become a butcher? No. Having a giant mutant dog as life companion? No. (Well, at least me wanting to raise non-mutant animals is ok, but still). Apparently, those thoughts are trash. And me saying that out loud: that's trash talk. I'm sorry, everyone whom I talked these things to: I didn't mean for you guys to be a dumpster, really. (I made this blog to be sort-of one, I'll try stick to it)

Also, lately I'm having a bad time trying to sleep. "Trying" to sleep has always been hard for me, as long as I can remember, but it's worst recently. Hoping that it'll be better today, but God usually laughs at things we're hoping for or thought of. We're funny that way, I guess. We just don't know better. I mean, yeah. I'm writing at the moment because I have trouble sleeping, to realize that not only that I missed January, I also missed June.

It's not just this. My dream journal has long since being updated. I actually have pretty vivid and interesting dreams this past months (it gets harder to recall as days past) but yeah. I was lazy. Other times I was tired. The other times I wasn't in the mood anymore. Same old, same old.

Ah.
Another thing.

Having almost ending college, the talks that come up are plans and dreams. Talks about next steps. About the future. I'm really bad at talking about the future. Maybe I'm just not that kind of person.

I just want things to end soon, you know?

Sometimes People Don't Want Pies

Sometimes people just don't want things.

But it seems like it's a really big deal when everyone want that particular thing and you don't, because NONSENSE! Why would anyone not want those things?

Like,
some people don't want pies.


It's not that they don't like pies. They're not against pie or anything. Or hate pies. Or in Anti Pie Movement. They just don't want pies. But in the world where the existence of pies are legitimated by the law, supported by the norm, encourage by religion, wanted by majority of society--it seemed that people can't not want pies.

(Even though there are a lot of other food available to eat. To be wanted.)

In that world, people are allowed to want other food, but they still have to want pies.

I don't understand.
Pies are just... food, right?

Sometimes people don't want them because they have reasons. It can be fundamental nor silly, but it's enough for them to not want pies. Like, maybe pies are against a particular religion or tradition. Or they're full for what might be a long time and have no room for pies. Or they're allergic to pies in general. Or I don't know. I guess people are free to not want pies for no reason. I mean, just because everyone wants them, doesn't mean you want them too, right?

Wrong.

Say I'm that person. I don't want pies. And I said:

I don't want pies. I don't think I need pies. 

But no, they said. You don't understand. Pie has sugar in it. You need sugar to live! Sugar is important for you! That's why you should want pies.

But I'd say, yeah... Sugar is important. But donut has sugar in it too. 

Then they would say, yeah, but THAT'S DIFFERENT. That's not pie. It has different things that pie has!

Obviously. I guess, but I think I'd survive eating donuts instead of pies.

Will they accept that I'd just need donuts and rice and other sweet stuff to survive? Without pies? Nah. They most likely won't. They like pies and enjoy pies and even though donuts have that important thing pies have it's not suffice because donuts aren't pies, you see?

Well, I guess when everyone wants something, and have everything around them saying that it's good for you, and that it's delicious, you would want that. It's possible that you initially don't want them, but as the time goes and you see everyone is eating pies and happy and satisfied with their pies, you'd want them then. But can't people just take it that people might not want it, be it for now, or for forever?

But no. No. No. No. No.

It would be just me, not old enough to understand how I'd need pies and how essential pies are for life.
Me, being weird for thinking that pies can be replaced by some other food that more or less has the same ingredients. And even if I don't want pies, I'd still have to have pies. Because if I don't have pies, my parents will be sad and I'd live a very sad life for not having pies. People would talk how I don't have pies and how I'm bad because I don't have pies.

They won't understand when I said that I don't want pies, because, who doesn't want pies? They say.
People can't possibly live with just waffles and pancakes. They need pies!



So.

That's tough isn't it. Not wanting pies.