In the effort of trying to write more

It's been quite a long time since I have a particular reflection regarding just learnings I have in life generally. I should have something, no? And I kinda did, there are a few things I'd like to write down but never actually force myself to do it but now that I am, I am not sure which one I want to explore first.

One is a theory about how I think, there are people that I like to the point of no return (and perhaps this is not just a me thing but a human thing, we'll see if that's the case.

Or about the idea of friendships, because I like them (my friends) quite a lot but I have many many different post about friendship over the years, no? There's always new stuff to discover I guess! But there's that.

And then there's this thing about getting older--I am not sure what this was anymore actually, it's in my notes--but I've also talked about me being 31 and not dead yet in my other social media and maybe that's kind of that.

I miss just having a thought and then, just proceed to write it down to the blog just because. I was so talkative in social media and my blog before, I used to share things, post things too, like a footprint on the internet one way or another. In recent years I kinda still used my twitter to share my excitement about the boys I watch play, but even that I no longer do. What does that says about anything? Does it say things about my life? Like I am busy or something. But not really. I am still online most of the time and it's not like I don't appreciate things I know about my friends because of online posts (even if I still have a hard time keeping up with these post lol). Not sure why I don't do it too. I kinda want to do it too. But I don't. Isn't that a bit dummy?

Perhaps I think too much about what to post, too scared of being perceived, too lazy to just have a record or a memory of things that happened because I take most things for granted. Or all of them combined? Maybe. 

Now that I think about it, maybe I value being mysterious? Hahaha. I think there's also this believe that I kept in touch with most of my friends, I don't think there's need for me to share it online since the people that needs to know already know (from me!). But that's not entirely true, because even my good friends didn't know that I marry until my other friends who know wonder if they know. The truth is that I am also not that good at keeping people updated with what's going on in my life.

Which probably leads to the biggest, probably most problematic factor of all possible reasons why I don't post, or write stuff: I have been lulled by the peaceful normalcy that I don't bother to immortalize it in one way or another. My dearest friends and sister maintain journals, and I thought that's great! I tried doing it, even for just about the workout I did that particular day or the game that I finished. But even then I suck at it lol. 

I think it's good in a way that it signifies little to no conflict internally (i.e with myself) and externally (i.e with my loved ones or like generally with people) so there's nothing that kept me up at night that I want to reflect and share. On the other hand, it's a bit depressing since there's always something to observe, or something to ponder, or something to critique about the daily happenings--not just a life-changing event but a pattern, a thought, a habit, or anything really--if only I sit down with it and think about them. 

That just rarely happen anymore hahaha. I think I should change it. Let's try if I could try and sit down and talked about the stuff I said I could talk about earlier. Even if not, I know deep in my heart that it's possible to write about anything. But we'll see! Now is just... well just a rant first. 

A good exercise I think! It's really been a while since I rant, since it's now just so easy to rely on the tech/AI to craft words over your thoughts instead of coming up with it yourself. I'll probably write about this later--how recent technological development should be perceived and whatnot (not gonna be an academic essay though just a thought like I've always been doing--why do I bother with this disclaimer also a mystery to me hahaha).

Anyway! A bit of a thing that also makes me kinda want to go back to writing again. I had a conversation with a friend, and it reminded me about two things that I have written in this blog: the idea of initiating conversation and scars and lessons. I think, the past rani who are able to write her thoughts about this as articulately as possible, have helped the present rani perceiving the same things that happened to other people. 

I want to be useful again, to rani in the future. Help her navigate the things she'd encounter again since I've been living for quite a while already, so most likely I've had some experience and thoughts about that. If I can write it, she will remember it, and she didn't have to think about them from scratch anymore. 

Just like how past rani did.

With that said, we'll see!

See you in the next post!

Somewhat Reflections of 2024

 2024 was finally the first year that I didn't write anything in the blog.

My 13 years streak was broken. Hahaha. But that's alright. Come to think of it, this blog almost as old as some Gen Zs I am friends with. By the time they were babies, I wrote stuff about my high school life. 

Anyway. There's no excuse for not writing, I guess. I think I found that in recent years, I don't stop or try to write anything and just entertain myself when I have free time.

...Wait.

That's not right.

So I guess I have written some things last year, just in different forms... or different purpose I guess.

But to get on with the title, here are some 2024 things I wish my future self would remember:

1) I watched concerts again

In fact, I watched 2 concerts. IU and Eric Chou, both with Terry. Both I enjoy a lot. Everyone was seated in that concert, and it was fun. Both are karaoke-fest. It was nice. 

IU concert is a cute one, because it gives me a new friend.

2) I have a new friend!

I didn't really expect it. But I made a friend, and I love her very much. She is like a little sister--which I don't think I have ever had a friend who felt like a little sister. Mostly because for the most part, I AM the little sister (lol) or like they're just my homies. Anyway. She's a really sweet young lady, who have a lot of dreams and a very warm personality. Also have a very kind heart. She would speak of her days in the most joyous ways and perceive things in a positive manner. Every time I imagine her voice when reading her writing, I wish I could hug her.

She have a lot of hobbies and is happy to share her thoughts and days to people. We write emails--I feel like it seems like it's somewhat a thing in some of my friendships--and she would asked me so many curious things that I have taken for granted. I have forgotten how to write in the most yappiest way possible--and in 2024, that was rebirthed into a 5000 word essays I sent to her as an email reply. 

I think that's a bit funny.

3) I am now strong(er)!

In the last couple of years I try to be healthier by working out more regularly and I think 2024 on average had been a good year in that sense. Whilst the peak of my gym life is only the first couple of months, I have now the knowledge of proper work out posture, how to use different kinds of machines knowing its specific purposes, and I feel like I have less buncit stomach (somewhat). But most importantly, I am stronger! I have less physical pain (i.e on my hand, my arms, my back) and I am usually already asleep by 12 (can be better, but good enough!). I tried better lifestyle but none of them stick yet so we'll see but I like the progress last year, it's apparent that my body is already better at doing physical activity. I think it's cool.

4) I still don't have horse

And that's ok! I spent time with horse the first time almost 10 years ago (2015) and at that moment, I thought something along the lines of "In ten years time, I want to have horses". I misremember and I thought that was 2014--so actually, my 10 years is this year. But I think it's ok if I don't get to have horses yet. I wish there's a place for them in my future, but I am happy enough that I got chances to be close to them, even in isolated and limited amount of time. Let's see what the future holds for me and this dream of mine :D

5) I get myself some insurances!

This is not only a 2024 thing, is also on 2025. So other than life insurance I also have funeral insurance now! I am ready more than ever to die and be at peace my loved ones should not need to worry about at least material and the troublesome aspect of my death. They can mourn without being too busy! I am happy with this prospect!!

6) I am employed and I am married and I am happy!

Last year was the first year of my employment I am grateful for it :D It was also the second year of my marriage and it was better than how my first year went! Overall, life has treated me kindly, and I am blessed with companionship, love and work that does not make me want to die all the time. 

7) I had my first major operation ever and it went well!

I had some cysts removed and I am glad it's quick and covered by insurance! I am blessed with so many things that's visible and invisible, it's impossible to list down everything.  

8) I didn't finished as much games this year, but I have more love to share

I get into lolesports and instead of spending my nights finishing games I find fun I just watch people play games! And I enjoy it very much!! I come to love and admire people in the scene and I want to support them with my money (and I somewhat am). I am happy that I come to love something a lot again. I wish there's a more productive hobby for me but I also think it's already so amazing that I can find a new found happiness from seeing someone succeed or being really good at what they do. Isn't that so cool? 

Maybe that's all so far. I think... if I could let myself stay a bit longer to think and write, I can say a lot more. But right now, I am in the intersection where I don't know if I should read or play games, but if I read I have so many things to read and which one to read and if I play I can play so many games and I also don't know which one to play. I will read or play something and I think I would still rather do that than write longer (for now!). So, it's not that writing does not make me happy, just that there are other things that makes me happy too! And I am not writing because I am also doing happy things, that's nice. So I will stop here. Just because, well. I will let 2024 the only year void of my writing, this year is different!

One of my bestest friend said she missed me writing. I missed it too! Like many things I do for my loved ones, I would be happy to deliver.

The first writing this year is for her. She might read or not read it, but I will write more for her (and me!). I want to continue reading and thinking and pouring it out to something that's mine again. Hehe.

Friendships are great

Friendship is really cool. I am blessed with good friends and I hope to keep them forever, though in the past year and two apparently I cannot always do that hahaha.

I have friends who have become a constant to me. They are people whom for some reason, in my life, just stays, never really going away, for the longest time. More than half of my life I spent with some of them. We don't even talk about our feelings or woes, sometimes. Sometimes, not even the people I go to when I have problems. But they're just there, you know? People whom I just know will be around if I need them to. 

Some friends I have are special. Not really because I am especially close with them or anything, but for the fact that I can go to in any point in time and I can expect them to get back to me. We don't even share news regularly or whatever. I sometimes only know what's going on with them through the updates of the social media--if any, or not at all, if they are not the type. But they're my friends. And I know I am too, for them. 

I do have some friendship lessons, though. I had came to a realization that sometimes, I am just not that much of a good friend to some people. And I think it's fair for those people to evaluate our friendship and no longer consider me a friend. I too, find that some people are not able to handle me or understood me, in ways that being myself hurts them. So not being in vicinity of them should be the most logical conclusion for me. I guess for these cases I still have a lot of things to learn, and perhaps growing to become better person is just something you need to do to be a good friend for some people you have lost. Who knows if time could heal as much as it grows you, and perhaps some things are not lost anyway? Only time will tell. In any case, the things we lost make us who we are as well, and for that, I cherished all of these encounters and hopefully they heal me more than they broke me.

But at the end of the day, friends are great. Friendships are great. The time spent with friends energize me, and I learnt so many things, feel so many things that are positive, and help me become the person that I like being. It's so cool. I hope everyone have good friends that love them and care about them, because it's amazing.

Update Until Today

Things are different than it was since I last updated my blog. To be honest, I think in the past year I didn't get that much time to just be reflective in general, just on the mode of keep going and distracting myself here and there. But here is some updates just for the record of me being alive in 2023 despite has not looking forward to long life since ever.

Anyway, I am well. I am in good health, and I am happy. Things around me are good too. My loved ones are close by and well. Working has never been my passion but I am in one where I can do it remotely forever so I am eternally grateful for it. Still prefer not having to get up in the morning and think of the work I need to do 5 days a week, but it is good. I am content.

I get my birthday blues like usual, and of course being confused is what I am--with no ambition, dreams, and having a good life already what is there to seek? The thing is that I do know I can do whatever I want to do, and there's little things that hinder me from it. But what is it that I want to do exactly, when I am happy with all that I have and that there is little out there that entices me? It's a quiet, mediocre life with the daily complicated questions of what to eat for dinner, and I think it's a good one.

I finished so many games last year, and I hope to continue to do so this year too. It's just January and I already finished 2 AAA games (well... I started P5R in December but I finished this month so it counts) and I really hope to have more and longer horse trips this year.

I learnt a lot too this past year. Some about myself that I never knew, and I am proud that I went pass the difficult and uncomfortable phase. There's always discomfort in figuring things out, and anxiety in uncertainty, but I have grown to learn to be more and more patient about it, more conscious about my effort and my laziness, more grateful for the support I get from around me.

I hope to always be close and closer to what makes me happiest, and I am glad to know that I do, always.

I am not a saint and I also get upset sometimes

My sincerity only extended from the fact that it has always been about myself. In my head, even the things I do for other people, it was an extension of what I feel and what I value. At the end of the day, I would see things that I did in the past, and how could I regret them?

They're all things that I do for myself. Sometimes I got a lot of help, and sometimes it's nice to have some people to cheer you on.

But I am stubborn and uncaring, and it feels so natural for me to think that way, that people don't owe me and I don't owe anyone, because I thought 'why would you do something that isn't for you?'

-

Sometimes I will get hurt in the heart, and I imagine it like a bruise or a scratch. Not an open wound, or anything that bleeds, but just a minor thing. It stings a bit the time you got it, but then it will pass. It will probably hurt for a few days or so, and it will be a bit raw when you touch them directly, but perhaps you wouldn't think too much of it. 

Sometimes I can see that I was hurt, and I don't even remember when or how I got them--but I wouldn't care much, because it will heal, and it usually heals fast.

I get bruised in the heart so easily lately. 

Does not seem like a good thing at first, but I wonder if I have always been easily bruised, I just never noticed because I don't care enough.

-

There are days when being normal is very trying. I don't think people around me really comprehend how much I suck up to be normal. I mean, they don't need to. But I tried really hard, at being normal thing. Whatever that means.

And it sometimes it crushed me a bit... or a lot, when I get told that I didn't pull it off as well as I thought I was.

Sometimes I want to tell them I don't even wanna (be normal). Sometimes I want to tell them I am really not (normal). Sometimes I want to tell them that this is already as normal as I can get and please just accept it.

-

When I speak I tone down so many things, I feel. I am actually awkward, and I practice so I get to talk in more eloquent manner. For difficult subjects, I will rehearse it in my head, or to the darkness of my room, or write it down, hoping that when I talk it would at least has a good resemblance of what I have poured out then and there.

It usually didn't. But it still work out in the end, so I'll take that.

Sometimes.

Sometimes the subject will never come up, and I will never bring it up.

I will forget it.

And in retrospect, I feel like maybe, those are perhaps things I never need people to know anyway, and that it's enough for me to have an imagined scenario in my head, where I get to say things I want to say, even when I will never get an answer to it.

-

I am patient enough.

I am very indulgent so for some things that is hard for me, I will probably take forever. But I hardly ever rush myself for those kind of things. I can wait.

I am proud of it, you know? Patience is a good virtue. I apparently have more for myself than I have for many other things in general.

It's just I think that people will not have enough for me, and I wonder if I would care.

-

Sometimes I get a mood like this, where I talk about things that mostly upsetting, when I am not upset at the time.

I process awful feelings in a way slower rate than I am with better ones (and the better ones are pretty slow already).

It's a double-edged sword, I guess.

Because perhaps I don't feel truly miserable when it happens, because I have little clue of what's going on. And yet I don't feel truly miserable now that I see it in retrospect, because even though I understand more it's a feeling that no longer around.

I will get better in due time.