In the effort of trying to write more

It's been quite a long time since I have a particular reflection regarding just learnings I have in life generally. I should have something, no? And I kinda did, there are a few things I'd like to write down but never actually force myself to do it but now that I am, I am not sure which one I want to explore first.

One is a theory about how I think, there are people that I like to the point of no return (and perhaps this is not just a me thing but a human thing, we'll see if that's the case.

Or about the idea of friendships, because I like them (my friends) quite a lot but I have many many different post about friendship over the years, no? There's always new stuff to discover I guess! But there's that.

And then there's this thing about getting older--I am not sure what this was anymore actually, it's in my notes--but I've also talked about me being 31 and not dead yet in my other social media and maybe that's kind of that.

I miss just having a thought and then, just proceed to write it down to the blog just because. I was so talkative in social media and my blog before, I used to share things, post things too, like a footprint on the internet one way or another. In recent years I kinda still used my twitter to share my excitement about the boys I watch play, but even that I no longer do. What does that says about anything? Does it say things about my life? Like I am busy or something. But not really. I am still online most of the time and it's not like I don't appreciate things I know about my friends because of online posts (even if I still have a hard time keeping up with these post lol). Not sure why I don't do it too. I kinda want to do it too. But I don't. Isn't that a bit dummy?

Perhaps I think too much about what to post, too scared of being perceived, too lazy to just have a record or a memory of things that happened because I take most things for granted. Or all of them combined? Maybe. 

Now that I think about it, maybe I value being mysterious? Hahaha. I think there's also this believe that I kept in touch with most of my friends, I don't think there's need for me to share it online since the people that needs to know already know (from me!). But that's not entirely true, because even my good friends didn't know that I marry until my other friends who know wonder if they know. The truth is that I am also not that good at keeping people updated with what's going on in my life.

Which probably leads to the biggest, probably most problematic factor of all possible reasons why I don't post, or write stuff: I have been lulled by the peaceful normalcy that I don't bother to immortalize it in one way or another. My dearest friends and sister maintain journals, and I thought that's great! I tried doing it, even for just about the workout I did that particular day or the game that I finished. But even then I suck at it lol. 

I think it's good in a way that it signifies little to no conflict internally (i.e with myself) and externally (i.e with my loved ones or like generally with people) so there's nothing that kept me up at night that I want to reflect and share. On the other hand, it's a bit depressing since there's always something to observe, or something to ponder, or something to critique about the daily happenings--not just a life-changing event but a pattern, a thought, a habit, or anything really--if only I sit down with it and think about them. 

That just rarely happen anymore hahaha. I think I should change it. Let's try if I could try and sit down and talked about the stuff I said I could talk about earlier. Even if not, I know deep in my heart that it's possible to write about anything. But we'll see! Now is just... well just a rant first. 

A good exercise I think! It's really been a while since I rant, since it's now just so easy to rely on the tech/AI to craft words over your thoughts instead of coming up with it yourself. I'll probably write about this later--how recent technological development should be perceived and whatnot (not gonna be an academic essay though just a thought like I've always been doing--why do I bother with this disclaimer also a mystery to me hahaha).

Anyway! A bit of a thing that also makes me kinda want to go back to writing again. I had a conversation with a friend, and it reminded me about two things that I have written in this blog: the idea of initiating conversation and scars and lessons. I think, the past rani who are able to write her thoughts about this as articulately as possible, have helped the present rani perceiving the same things that happened to other people. 

I want to be useful again, to rani in the future. Help her navigate the things she'd encounter again since I've been living for quite a while already, so most likely I've had some experience and thoughts about that. If I can write it, she will remember it, and she didn't have to think about them from scratch anymore. 

Just like how past rani did.

With that said, we'll see!

See you in the next post!

Somewhat Reflections of 2024

 2024 was finally the first year that I didn't write anything in the blog.

My 13 years streak was broken. Hahaha. But that's alright. Come to think of it, this blog almost as old as some Gen Zs I am friends with. By the time they were babies, I wrote stuff about my high school life. 

Anyway. There's no excuse for not writing, I guess. I think I found that in recent years, I don't stop or try to write anything and just entertain myself when I have free time.

...Wait.

That's not right.

So I guess I have written some things last year, just in different forms... or different purpose I guess.

But to get on with the title, here are some 2024 things I wish my future self would remember:

1) I watched concerts again

In fact, I watched 2 concerts. IU and Eric Chou, both with Terry. Both I enjoy a lot. Everyone was seated in that concert, and it was fun. Both are karaoke-fest. It was nice. 

IU concert is a cute one, because it gives me a new friend.

2) I have a new friend!

I didn't really expect it. But I made a friend, and I love her very much. She is like a little sister--which I don't think I have ever had a friend who felt like a little sister. Mostly because for the most part, I AM the little sister (lol) or like they're just my homies. Anyway. She's a really sweet young lady, who have a lot of dreams and a very warm personality. Also have a very kind heart. She would speak of her days in the most joyous ways and perceive things in a positive manner. Every time I imagine her voice when reading her writing, I wish I could hug her.

She have a lot of hobbies and is happy to share her thoughts and days to people. We write emails--I feel like it seems like it's somewhat a thing in some of my friendships--and she would asked me so many curious things that I have taken for granted. I have forgotten how to write in the most yappiest way possible--and in 2024, that was rebirthed into a 5000 word essays I sent to her as an email reply. 

I think that's a bit funny.

3) I am now strong(er)!

In the last couple of years I try to be healthier by working out more regularly and I think 2024 on average had been a good year in that sense. Whilst the peak of my gym life is only the first couple of months, I have now the knowledge of proper work out posture, how to use different kinds of machines knowing its specific purposes, and I feel like I have less buncit stomach (somewhat). But most importantly, I am stronger! I have less physical pain (i.e on my hand, my arms, my back) and I am usually already asleep by 12 (can be better, but good enough!). I tried better lifestyle but none of them stick yet so we'll see but I like the progress last year, it's apparent that my body is already better at doing physical activity. I think it's cool.

4) I still don't have horse

And that's ok! I spent time with horse the first time almost 10 years ago (2015) and at that moment, I thought something along the lines of "In ten years time, I want to have horses". I misremember and I thought that was 2014--so actually, my 10 years is this year. But I think it's ok if I don't get to have horses yet. I wish there's a place for them in my future, but I am happy enough that I got chances to be close to them, even in isolated and limited amount of time. Let's see what the future holds for me and this dream of mine :D

5) I get myself some insurances!

This is not only a 2024 thing, is also on 2025. So other than life insurance I also have funeral insurance now! I am ready more than ever to die and be at peace my loved ones should not need to worry about at least material and the troublesome aspect of my death. They can mourn without being too busy! I am happy with this prospect!!

6) I am employed and I am married and I am happy!

Last year was the first year of my employment I am grateful for it :D It was also the second year of my marriage and it was better than how my first year went! Overall, life has treated me kindly, and I am blessed with companionship, love and work that does not make me want to die all the time. 

7) I had my first major operation ever and it went well!

I had some cysts removed and I am glad it's quick and covered by insurance! I am blessed with so many things that's visible and invisible, it's impossible to list down everything.  

8) I didn't finished as much games this year, but I have more love to share

I get into lolesports and instead of spending my nights finishing games I find fun I just watch people play games! And I enjoy it very much!! I come to love and admire people in the scene and I want to support them with my money (and I somewhat am). I am happy that I come to love something a lot again. I wish there's a more productive hobby for me but I also think it's already so amazing that I can find a new found happiness from seeing someone succeed or being really good at what they do. Isn't that so cool? 

Maybe that's all so far. I think... if I could let myself stay a bit longer to think and write, I can say a lot more. But right now, I am in the intersection where I don't know if I should read or play games, but if I read I have so many things to read and which one to read and if I play I can play so many games and I also don't know which one to play. I will read or play something and I think I would still rather do that than write longer (for now!). So, it's not that writing does not make me happy, just that there are other things that makes me happy too! And I am not writing because I am also doing happy things, that's nice. So I will stop here. Just because, well. I will let 2024 the only year void of my writing, this year is different!

One of my bestest friend said she missed me writing. I missed it too! Like many things I do for my loved ones, I would be happy to deliver.

The first writing this year is for her. She might read or not read it, but I will write more for her (and me!). I want to continue reading and thinking and pouring it out to something that's mine again. Hehe.

Update Until Today

Things are different than it was since I last updated my blog. To be honest, I think in the past year I didn't get that much time to just be reflective in general, just on the mode of keep going and distracting myself here and there. But here is some updates just for the record of me being alive in 2023 despite has not looking forward to long life since ever.

Anyway, I am well. I am in good health, and I am happy. Things around me are good too. My loved ones are close by and well. Working has never been my passion but I am in one where I can do it remotely forever so I am eternally grateful for it. Still prefer not having to get up in the morning and think of the work I need to do 5 days a week, but it is good. I am content.

I get my birthday blues like usual, and of course being confused is what I am--with no ambition, dreams, and having a good life already what is there to seek? The thing is that I do know I can do whatever I want to do, and there's little things that hinder me from it. But what is it that I want to do exactly, when I am happy with all that I have and that there is little out there that entices me? It's a quiet, mediocre life with the daily complicated questions of what to eat for dinner, and I think it's a good one.

I finished so many games last year, and I hope to continue to do so this year too. It's just January and I already finished 2 AAA games (well... I started P5R in December but I finished this month so it counts) and I really hope to have more and longer horse trips this year.

I learnt a lot too this past year. Some about myself that I never knew, and I am proud that I went pass the difficult and uncomfortable phase. There's always discomfort in figuring things out, and anxiety in uncertainty, but I have grown to learn to be more and more patient about it, more conscious about my effort and my laziness, more grateful for the support I get from around me.

I hope to always be close and closer to what makes me happiest, and I am glad to know that I do, always.

What a year

This year is literally a year with pandemic, but in retrospect, this year is not... a horrible year for me. I guess it is somewhat horrible that I hardly able to meet up with my friends because I miss them a whole lot, but things are relatively good? Wholesome? I guess.

The thing with this pandemic situation is, I think, that when we are somewhat forced to work with the bare minimum, you'd know what are constant in your life and what isn't. The things you can't live without and the stuff that aren't that important after all. Who are the people you actively wanted to seek and reach out, as well as the people you don't pay much attention to. 

This year has been kind to me. So kind that I would be happy if I my life to end soon. Perhaps next year, hopefully.

-

A few stuff from last year that happened and does not exist in the last year's post

1. 

There was one time when I cried when I was in ojek when I was on my way home. It was just last year. I was so tired that day and I thought:

"I am tired. I wanna go home."

I wanna go home.

I thought.

And the realisation dawned on me--I actually have a home to come to.

In many sense of the word--the physical place that I seek to rest, the family that loves me, the idea of a space that I am comfortable to be. 

So I cried. 

2.

Last year around the same time I was in Bali. I resigned from my previous job and thought that I want to learn how to garden.

So I did.

I eat greens. Met wonderful people. I don't learn much of gardening, I guess. But I managed to resolve the anger that had been haunting me. There are a lot of fun stories.

I write a diary in Japanese every day when I was there. (Didn't bother to continue it when I'm back home)

3. 

I was somewhat part of a relationship drama, figuratively eating popcorn in the sidelines. It was a shoujo manga plot material, I swear. But since I have sworn secrecy, this will only be the extent to where I write it.

This year (so far):

1.

Had the opportunity to work with the sweetest people I have come to encounter. Lovely folks that made me re-learn the stuff that I feel is important, validate values I have, accept me for who I am, listen to what I had to say. It was warm, fun, and I learnt a lot in many ways. My time with them had been short, but I felt so full. I'd be keeping in touch, however they let me.

2. 

Asked myself questions on love and friendship, turns out that I don't think of it and know it as much as I thought I was. The ones that remained unanswered I don't bother to pursue, I am sure it will be answered in due time. I think that I am just plainly happy with what I am, and I am happy to be around if anyone wants me to be. I think in many ways, I don't think many would like me much once they know who I am, so those who stayed after knowing me, I think they're really special and I am really grateful.

3.

The marginal utility of the stuffs that used to bring me joy diminish. But it made a lot of sense--I used to be able to enjoy it sparsely, because with outside activities my options to do other stuffs are aplenty. Now that I can always go back to the things that I know I enjoy, of course I'd do it often. But it's hard that sometimes I do it to keep myself going, instead of to find the joy that I used to get from it. In any case, it happened, but it's inevitable, and I guess it's alright. I can always try new stuff or other alternatives, but still, they brings me joy still, so I still love doing it. Perhaps just not with the same amount of joy that it used to give me.

4.

My family is whole and safe and together most of the year. It hardly brings frustration. It feels nice that we can dinner and lunch together. I love them lots. I hope they are always happy and healthy.

5. 

The interactions I have with my friends increased despite not meeting in person. Still miss seeing them in person... but it makes me happy too, to have them around and got to chat with them more often than before. 

6.

I read a lovely Chinese webnovel that I am absolutely obsessed with and I have been spending so much money for its merchandise. Once in a blue moon (or perhaps never before) I am excited to spend money for stuffs that I hardly use. 

I think CN webnovels as a medium have given me the realisation of how precious and strategic the role of translators were, for you to be able to see another world through their interpretation of words in different language. It's amazing and scary, isn't it? A whole meaning of a novel can change if you, as a translator, weren't able to convey what it was (for whatever reason). 

But of course, traduttore, traditore, and while I agree, the effort of building an image of one same thing using different words and nuance is such a wonderful and important art. Translators, my respect.

-

I have been really happy. I don't need much else.

I hope this ends soon.

This Year's Life Update

So I've graduated from college. Whew. Feels very fast.

I still wonder why I'm still alive, not unlike before I went to college, but I certainly have different stance on that (although I still agree that I'm still living a nice life. The rest... hm). 

I don't really do anything to fill my unemployment, I guess. I want to go to school again, but we'll see what world has in store for me. But basically I don't have much thing to do, so I decided to start a comic. It's called... I haven't come up with a good title yet, but it's basically about two high school girls and their pretty random adventures (or conversations. Mostly conversations). It also consists of mostly two panels and never more than three... because apparently I'm that bad at coming up with an actual story to make more panels. I'm having a hard time making a fixed schedule for them though. And I'm learning sign language now. I like learning sign language. Sign language is fun! I like it. I'm waiting for that time when I become so good that sleep talk with sign language.

She didn't.

I pick up inline skating again too. It really has been a while: I dropped it when I started high school, and I was pretty good and fearless back then--something that I really think I need if I want to advance. I'm thinking of mastering some tricks... but after I have a proper training place where I won't end up that badly hurt or died painfully.

Oh yeah. I made a FYP about my favorite show, maybe I'll have it covered in another post. But I wasn't really expecting a really good reception from my lecturers--it was mainly a work of love (I admit I was trying to be as rigorous as I can on the theory and findings) and it's not that I expect to actually be praised for it. I was trying to just "passed" with that. It turned out better, I suppose. I'd have to give the credit to my lecturer being too kind. And, the crazy ass thing is that I managed to have the abridge version of my paper to be AUTOGRAPHED by the fandom theory guru whose concept was the core concept of my argument (before it was revised... BUT STILL). His works are one of the most influential reference for my writings and I actually got him to sign it for me. I don't even dare to dream that it could actually happen but it just did whatever the odds he was here in Indonesia after I finished this freaking paper and willingly signed it... it's still pretty unbelievable to me.

It was incredible and I also managed to have a group-selfie with him.

Hmm... so yeah, that's basically the gist of it. 

I think I have to be more ambitious for what I want to do in the near future, but I don't think ambitiousness is running in my blood. Oh well. 

"You are worth so much more than your productivity."

- Anti-capitalist Love Notes

p.s. We're still in capitalistic society, so.

p.p.s for more of my comics, go here. I purposely made an account in that certain platform for it because I think it fits the medium (and I want to keep up with the trend................ who am I kidding)

Random Life Updates (sort of)

A lot of things happened recently. Sort of. My weekends are eaten by activities that... are... not I really expected to happen on weekends. Because my weekends usually consist of me lazing around. (Will still continue hopefully till next week).

But I guess that one weekend where my foot was sprained fulfill my usual weekend agenda (it was not very pleasant though).

But lately I'm a little bit disoriented. I'm confused, but I don't know about what. I want to talk to several people, but they're busy. I want my plush to be dry-cleaned, haven't done it (can't rely on other people, really). I want to go to toy stores and bookstores, but I'm too lazy to go anywhere else but home. I'm hungry most of the time, but I can't eat in each and every of those time. (I don't use to get hungry this often). The last one frustrates me the most.

It's weird because at one time, I'm disoriented, but not long afterwards, after putting it into words and draw something that has nothing to do with it, I don't feel so disoriented anymore. Seeing my awkward drawings I realize I really need to practice more often. The last time I was drawing very seriously and consistently were the time when I made a picture book. This is one of my favorite pages:

(I didn't color that well either)

I tried to give pictures of dreams that I have in my dream journal too, but I have dreams to write but not a lot of time to draw so I neglected that one too. I want to play tennis again, haven't been playing for so long. When I was in junior high, I played every week. After a load of work in high school, I put it to rest. Same as piano. Though with piano, the lesson every week was stressful. I cried in class a lot. Still played at home afterwards, but too lazy to practice in recent years. It's not very easy, to see what you like and what you want to do with your life. I tried music and sports and art and studying and although I enjoy doing it (and able to do it, some I did--like sports and studying--pretty well) none I found so interesting that I passionately want to be very good at it, or enjoy it enough to do it every other day (or at least regularly). But I guess that's ok, I have long made peace with myself about this kind of things. Guess it's still trial and error for me.

Maybe I'll draw some more for my dream journal.

(Later.)

Some friends I made

For more or less two months I've been in Singapore, I made some more friends. I'm trying to make a list.. sort of like this one.. but it won't be discontinued (I feel sad about that, those who haven't been mentioned are all nice and special also) and I won't mention all of them. Just some. None of them are Indonesian on purpose.

(Just so you know, they're in alphabetical order)

Amanda

She taught me how to tap dance.

Fer

I think she's very pretty.

Jay

His face is always pleasant.

Kay

She recommended cool picture books to me. She has a very cute voice.

Louis

He gives warm hugs.

Maria

She didn't know (until I mention it) that China has the biggest population in the world. 

Navy

She's very pretty and witty and funny. She doesn't have a boyfriend yet.

Nay

She told me "I love you" in Bahasa Indonesia and taught me how to say "I love you" in Khmer.

Ryan

He is the first friend I made in class.

Shen Yang

She insisted to have a colorful template for a presentation because her topics is politics and she doesn't want to make it gloomier by having such dark template.

Other note: we komedians (term describing those people in my study program) are making a dictionary. Dictionary is needed because our jokes are painfully internal and usually academic-related, and there's unusually lot of us who is going on an exchange program. It'll be handy for those who just got back from a semester or year away to get the jokes when you have a dictionary, right? 

It's really funny.

There are something else I want to talk about regarding friends. I have a lot of friends; friends whom I close to because a lot of time spent together with them, friends whom I close to because of the same interests, friends whom I not very close with, and friends whom I close to because we share the same idea. But there are friends that I made, magically don't really belong in those categories. And those people are mostly those who got a very special place in my heart, I'd say. (Not that those in the said categories don't have a special place in my heart).

They are people that I can comfortably share my ideas with, even though we don't know each other for a long time, even though we don't even meet regularly, even when we don't share the same idea. Even when we are so very different that the only thing that brought us together is the fact that we can share  thoughts and ideas, that we find each other nice to talk with. And then again, I can't tell if they're my close friends (because we really don't interact that much; in a year, I can count times when we meet to sit and talk together with one hand--sometime none in a year's time) and I'm very sure that they have their own important friends to whom they confide with lots of times (me too), but I just know that they are just special.

Other than that, I think if these friends have anything in common, it would be that they don't think my ideas--or me in general--silly. Or even if they think so, they love me for it.


But having said that, my sister is still the person whom I share most of my playlist with (and the bed, of course). Hard to beat her for that.

A Widdle Wife Wubdates

Recently things get pretty hectic. I have to do lots of stuff--projects and presentation and paper; and it's not even finals. And don't get me started with finals.

Anyway!

Today I did something bad. I was dishonest. I lied. I feel terrible.
It's something that is not unusual around here--my friends did that a lot--but it was my first time and I did it in the most stupid fashion one could ever invented.

I probably feel terrible because of that; because I did it so stupidly stupid. Not to mention my hand was trembling so it failed so hard. I was scared. I felt pang in my heart.

So very terrible feeling.

I'm glad that it stays only for a little while (sort of), because if it doesn't I'd probably cracked.

In a way I thought that maybe I'm just not made to do this; that I'm super bad at these stuff. Maybe I'm a good person after all. And then I realized that maybe the reason I felt so awful was because I was scared of getting caught; not because what I did was an act of dishonesty.

I wish there will be a time like this no more.

I don't like it.

On a brighter note: two presentations that I did this week are wonderful, they're great, one get (possibly) the warmest response from my lecturer and the other got us a second place!

And on an even brighter note: I met a person I've been wanting to meet for.... I don't know. We met at the train on Monday and we met again today. We talk for, like, two hours. I miss talking with her. I miss her. The last time we talk for more than 20 minutes is probably 5 years ago. I miss her so bad. She doesn't really change that much; she's just better at what I think she's awesome at. I love it and I love her too. I hope she'll always be happy!

I still have a paper and presentation to work on, and 7 take-home tests right after. I hope it'll be over real soon.

Bye!

Resurrection

Hello guys!

Today is... scratch that. A few weeks back was sort of my break down or something. I was so not me, so sad and tired and depressing (depressing, not depressed) and so on. I was me who wrote 'how did I manage to be happy every single time before and not right now'. And this week, everything starts to lighten. Especially today!

(Usually when I said something like that, things will go down again but who cares of how world proves me wrong?)

So. This week started really nicely. My un-nice assumptions and prejudices were blown away and I get a hug. The next day, I was getting a lot of little nice thing; like how I get an economic train just when I was in the station; and one of my favorite story was updated and etcetera; things like that. And I get another hug! Today was super. Even tho in the end I got rejected from monbu scholarship (which I have to elaborated how my feelings were in the next-next-next paragraph), I feel happy! And there's a lot of nice things (including a lot of hugs!) going on today also.

Nice things that I usually gets EVERY SINGLE DAY including days in a few weeks back, but I'm too busy grumbling and thinking I didn't notice.

(Except for the hugs, because I don't get to hug people everyday like I used to)

-

You see guys, I'm writing this for the sake of future me, 'cause this me in the present is really, really grateful of what I wrote in the past. I want the future me to thank me for what I write too.

So listen here.

I don't feel sad because I don't get through. Really. Maybe just like when I got rejected from SNMPTN Undangan and Tertulis, because I realize now that I don't feel sad at those time as well. Mixed feelings, yes, but now I think I know that none of them was sadness. Disappointed? Yes, maybe. Sad? Nah, not really. One thing I know I felt for it is that, I hate the feeling of rejection. That's it.

The feeling of rejection.

You know, the feeling of rejection doesn't necessarily make you sad, but they do make you feel slightly disturbed by sort of thoughts like 'I don't deserve it'. Like, you didn't get through because you're not better than others who got through. The thoughts of losing from other people because I'm not good enough.

I hate that thoughts.

Because I can't help to think that too, but why should I care? Everything that happens now is always for the best, and this is just the journey! This is like, a micro fragment of tremendously incredible and long story of my adventurous life. It's too early to think I'm not good enough.

I always thought of that; how I'm not good enough. Now that I mentioned it, I still do. I always think that I'm not good enough even when every single thing happen to prove me wrong but I'm too blinded by others to care and recognize it. I know that it happened to one of super special and talented person I know and I don't want that to happen to me too. I'm just scared to be proud of me.

Very narcissist.

Still, I don't know what I'm trying to say now because I lost cause in the middle of writing this, but yeah. I want to be proud of me too.

And I will. Just you wait.

OH.

And about how today's so nice; it's because I think I get a hold of me again. Life's so good. I'm alive and I'm very happy.

"Scuse me while I do my happy dance!"

—Oghren, Dragon Age: Origins

Galau mayan

When I'm in 10th grade, I feel happy just being alive. I still do, I guess. But when I'm in 10th grade, I don't need to feel uneasy first to think of what kind of things that I have to be grateful for to ease myself. It crossed my mind constantly, how the sun's shining today; how nice my friends' smiles this morning; how I'm not sick on this lovely day; or how pretty my mom is; or how pleasant this day had become, or how nice it would be if I could get another round of a day to feel those things again. Sometimes it gets particular like how I'm lucky to have a friend like him or her, or how inspiring my teachers are, and so on.

There are skips in my steps. I jumped and waved and have these hand gestures which people remember me of. Smiles are easy. They still are, but. Well. Y'know. I share a lot of stories. I sing with my horrible voice and I dance a lot, even tho I have no clue whatsoever about dancing. I laugh at everything because, everything is funny when you have my sense of humor. Everything and everyone are nice and wonderful and funny and lovely.

I know it sounded cheesy and too rainbowish and sparklish and comical, but that's what I feel when I'm.. err uh. In high school. Wait. Even when I have graduated, I still do. When I got to college, I still do.

But not right now. Or a few weeks ago, when I was so bad my friend asked me if there's anything wrong and I don't even know what's wrong because I don't realize I was so.. quiet and easily upset. I don't know when that started, or whether it came out of the blue or periodically or if it happened all the time since it started (I'm that confused)

I thought it was because of PMS, and it was, but it happened again. I'm sure, for anything cute and fluffy, that it's not just because of hormons.

Have I... changed?

/wails

Not that it's a change... I thought of it as maybe.. a phase?

Or is it puberty that people were talking about? I doubt it. It's too late. I thought I got through puberty. Sort of.

It's just. I just want my bubbly (?) self back. How did I overcome things easily before, and why is it not as easy as before now? What change? Is it temporary or is it something that I have become? Because it's scary now that I realize I don't laugh as much as I did before. I want to dance again. I want to be silly and laugh at my silliness and whatever happened because it was funny and it should be still funny now. I think I'm sick.

END OF STORY!

By the way, I remembered one of a part of my favorite dream again! In fact, surprisingly, it's not me who remembers, it's my friend! I'm touched that she still remembers after I told her; I don't even remember it myself until she mentioned it. So here goes!

I was in a house. A wooden house, and I met the cutest thing ever. It's a pair of dolphins, sitting/sleeping in the wet part of a wooden floor. One was green, the other was pink! COOL RIGHT. Not just that. Because they were too cute to watch, I can't help to touch them (even tho I'm a bit afraid they'll run away if I did). And it turns out that they're FURRY and SOFT and FLUFFY. Did I mentioned cute? They're cute and furry and soft and fluffy and nice. I forgot the rest of the dream but that part was heavenly. I remember something about dogs sitting on their spot, but I'm not sure.

Tomorrow's a new day. I'll outshine the sun tomorrow. Bye!

Sekelebat Info

Jadi belum lama ini ada eks-temen BTA yang jadi temen sejurusan saya sekarang, bertanya kenapa saya tidak menggunakan nama saya lagi sebagai kata ganti orang pertama saat ngobrol.

Pertama ya teman-teman, saya terharu dan kaget juga ada teman saya yang nanya begitu, berarti ada treat dari diri saya yang diinget orang hihihi (padahal di keluarga saya sih ngomong begitu biasa aja) tapi yaudah. Saya bilang kalau saya membiasakan diri untuk menggunakan kata ganti orang pertama (aku) karena di jurusan saya, saya tidak dikenal dengan nama saya yang sebelumnya dikenal orang-orang yang kenal saya (Rani) tapi dengan nama yang lain/nama orientasi (Harlin). Saya rasa sih ini supaya terhindar dari adanya nama panggilan yang sama, dan kalau saya masih menggunakan nama saya dan bukan kata ganti orang pertama dalam percakapan, nanti teman-teman saya yang harus mengenal saya dengan nama orientasi saya jadi bingung kaaan.

Kemudian ada juga yang bilang kalau mereka lebih suka nama orientasi saya dari pada nama panggilan yang yang beneran. Entah harus bersyukur atau tersinggung. Tapi yasudalah ya. Preference kan urusan orang.

Saya mau cerita banyak tapi yang diceritakan ini banyak yang saya mau ceritakan masih rahasia perusahaan (dan kayaknya bakal terus jadi rahasia perusahaan, mungkin) tapi ada yang menarik banget deh. Saya kan akhirnya punya temen pulang bareng lagi nih, jadi kami sering pergi dan pulang bersama. Beberapa kali ketika kami sedang bercerita tentang sesuatu yang seharusnya (semacam) rahasia perusahaan entah kenapa ada saja senior yang ternyata tak sengaja ada disana. Entah memang kami apes atau bagaimana entahlah. Dengan hari ini, sudah sekitar 4 kali kejadiannya. Menurut saya sih itu lumayan banyak juga, soalnya kejadiannya selain di kereta dan stasiun, adalah di toilet rektorat dan di tengah hutan. Kemungkinan untuk ketemu orang yang dikenal di toilet rektorat dan di tengah hutan yang ternyata adalah senior?

Ngomong-ngomong, minggu depan UTS lho.

Something happened

You know, the one that I have mentioned about the time when I saw one of my friend using a bag from NSO, and then I told one of my other my friend that I'm going to get one of those next year and I really did? That's one case. For one thing, I didn't mean anything when I said that, but it happened anyways.

Similar case happened a few days ago.

But I didn't say anything this time.

You see, now that I go to college, I usually go there by train since my house is nearby and I'm too lazy to find a kostan (or somesort). And I usually went to the last wagon (or first, depends) so I can get out of the station faster.

It was Monday (yes, this week's Monday) and I was on my way home inside the train when I saw a guy (look's like the one in charge) went to engine driver's cabin. And there's a thought.

"I wonder what's inside there."

And then there was Tuesday. I was late; when I bought the tickets, the train's already there and when I run for it, the door closed just in front of my face. I'm in despair!

But just for a second.

Because it seems that one of the guy in engine driver's cabin saw my failed attempt and felt kind of pity, so he opened the cabin's door; and let me in.

So I was inside an unused engine driver's cabin all the way to college.

I was inside the engine driver's cabin.

I was inside the--

--Holy kitty that was--

--I dunno. Beyond unexpected? Something like that.

I feel like, I'm the luckiest person in the world or something. Because it's just crazy! The moment I wonder about what's inside the engine driver's cabin on Monday, I know that would be sort-of-impossible! Because, it's not like I want to work there or some sort; the thought of I would be there is nonexistent in my mind. I just shrugged the thought off seconds after I thought about that.

And then the next day, I was there, all the way to college. True story.

...

HOW COULD SUCH THING HAPPENED????!!!

Sigh. I don't know.

But seriously.

If a mere thought like that could happen; even when you don't expect anything, even when you don't believe in it; why can't people believe in a great, strong and promised force such as,

a prayer?

Just saying.

Lebaran

Halo! Selamat berlibur ya, dan selamat lebaran walaupun lain-lain harinya. Salut deh sama Indonesia, sankingkan multikulturalnya hari lebaran aja beda-beda hehehehe (ini serius) tapi biar beda-beda juga tetep sayang ya, jangan berantem. Mama sama papa saya juga seperti tahun-tahun sebelumnya lebaran di hari yang berbeda lagi lho. Mama sama papa saya itu memang epitom bhinneka tunggal ika. Ikut lebaran yang mana saja tidak masalah, kan yang penting punya dasar yang jelas dan yakin; bukan ikut-ikutan.

Dan seperti tahun sebelumnya, tahun ini saya mudik lho. Mudik kali ini spesial soalnya kakak dan adek sepupu saya yang sempat saya sebut di post-post lama ikutan juga, setelah 5 tahun nggak lebaran bareng. Ngomong-ngomong mudik juga, saya jadi menyadari ternyata kebiasaan saya menggunakan nama dan bukan kata ganti orang ketiga itu memang tidak setidak-wajar yang saya pikir. Hampir semua sepupu saya menggunakan nama atau panggilan (baca: Kakak, Adek, Ayuk) untuk menyebut diri sendiri. Padahal semenjak saya masuk dunia kampus saya berusaha mengubah kebiasaan saya itu karena jarang yang menggunakan lho, yah, memang ada tuntutan lain juga sih. Tapi yah, begitulah. Mungkin itu kebiasaan daerah ato apalah.

Yuk Alin, Kak Sheila, Fauzan, Fajar, Andini, Kak Firli, Rani (Kami bertujuh ini lahir di 6 tahun yang berurutan; Yuk Alin '91, Kak Firli '92, Kak Sheila '93, rani '94, Fajar '95, Dini dan Fauzan '96.)

Fajar, Dini

Yuk Alin, rani

Fajar, Fauzan, Yuk Alin, rani

Dini, Kak Sheila, Kak Firli, Yuk Ani, Caca, Yuk Alin

Fajar, Kak Sheila, Rani, Dini, Kak Firli, Yuk Ani, Yuk Alin

Dini, Kak Sheila

Yuk Ani, Yuk Alin, Caca, Dini, Rani, Firman, Fajar, Kak Firli

Waktu bersama sepupu-sepupu saya merupakan waktu-waktu termenyenangkan di masa kecil saya (sekarang juga masih menyenangkan), karena sewaktu saya kecil memang tidak seru-seru amat, isinya dibully, kerjaannya salah orang, di adu-domba oleh tetangga, kehidupan SD penuh drama; dan selain keluarga saya dan kucing saya yang menghibur cuma sepupu-sepupu saya ini saya punya cerita-cerita menarik.

Sebenarnya saya juga dekat dengan sepupu dari keluarga papa saya, dan yang ini lebih eksklusif, karena yang ini 94liners. Tapi mungkin ceritanya ada untuk lain kali. :) Yang jelas liburan kali ini menyenangkan! Semoga liburan kalian juga!

Monbukagakusho Interview

Hi guys! My thoughts are in a jumble these days, but life's good as ever. Ospek aside, I want to share my story of how the interview for Monbukagakuso goes for undergraduate program in Indonesia. I kinda have sworn this in my mind for a past few days because of lack of it in this so-called internet. So yeah.

Here goes.

It was today at 8.30 am (or so it says) and you got to be there by 8.00 am because at 8 the security guard will start calling the interviewee's names. And then at 8.30 am, we (interviewee) were gathered at a place where some people wil start explaining that it would be the last time you compete with your friends from the same country and such. Kinda important but you'll get notes of it so I'll skip it.

Those who applied for social studies goes first because those who applied for science gotta do the Japanese test that they had skipped on the written test before. So, I and a few friends (all girls btw) went to waiting room where we wait (obviously) for our turn. It was in alphabetical order and I was the fourth out of five people. The woman that announce things when we gathered said that the interview was in Bahasa Indonesia, but it turned out that they interviewed us in English.

From what I've heard from my friend, it was in Bahasa Indonesia before (or usually, I don't know) so maybe they just changed it this year. Or maybe they want to see how it'll go if they use English for future reference or something. Anyway, most of us was shocked. I'm not really surprised, because, well, I have no preparation at all, in both languages, so I have nothing to lose. Unlike those who thought about what kind of things they should say if interviewers asked this or that and make notes about it (which one of my friends did, fyi)

So when it was my turn, I made sure to knock and greet them first and sit when they let me sit. And then they asked usual things like: Introduce yourself. | Why Japan? | What do you think about the big difference between our culture? | Did I apply for any scholarship beside this? | What would you do if you got this recommendation? | What would you do if you're done with you're studies? (Work in Japan? Indonesia, something like that) | and personal things like: | describe yourself | what do your parents think about this? | and so on.

Nothing weird.

I don't talk very much at that time, maybe because of the language barrier or maybe I'm just nervous, but in one note, my turn was fast. My friends before me took like, 15 minutes or something and I'm done by 10 minutes or so. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Well, the interviewers aren't intimidating or scary, they're pretty nice so no need to be nervous I guess. Well, they know you're still a kid. They know you're nervous. So don't worry to much, they don't expect things that high from you (I think) so I maybe, if you answered it confidently and calmly it's pretty much okay. I mean, I don't think they want to find out whether your English's good or not, or whether you're smart or not, they just want to know what kind of person they will recommend to go as Indonesia's representative for this scholarship. Even if you answer it with words that will make Grammar Nazis cry a river. I think.

And the result? Who knows. If I don't get through then it's simply because they don't think I'm the right one, not because I'm not worth it. I think. And in a way, that's a good thing because people don't have too miss me too much (/puke) ahahaha just kidding.

There. That's pretty much it. If you're one of those people who are shock of how'd you get through and have no preparation at all for any interview that is due in a week from now and start searching it in the internet, at least you have some sort of reference. Kinda.

Things are pretty hectic these days (it seemed that way since I spend the last few months being lazy), but things that seem like tragedies are always funny to tell after given sometime. Fact.

I actually hate essays, but I think they'll be hilarious when I found out how wrong it is a few years later. Here I am, writing in this blog, when I got 2 more essays to be done. Yay me.

Oh, and Happy Ramadhan!

Holidays just a few blocks away!

So relax when you prepare to meet us, and when you fill out your essays. Preparing is not for now, you have been preparing for seventeen years. Suggesting that you "be yourself" is not a trick just to lower your guard, uncover your flaws, and deny you admission. But lowering your guard might be a good idea. I've talked to lots of candidates - and the ones who are just themselves, who can laugh at their mistakes and struggles, who seem comfortable in their own skin - inevitably show a bit more maturity, and inevitably make the best impression. Just my two cents.

- John DeTore, an EC. He does the interviews for MIT admissions.

p.s. Thank Romy, I'd be lost without his advices.

p.s.s. I got a call just now, turns out I made it. Somehow. And. Uh. I dunno. I'll end this post now.

Robbery

Hello! How's life, people? Mine's great so far. But today, unlike any other day of me ranting the usual life I've had, I want to share you a story of how my house was almost robbed today.

So here goes.

Hm.

For starters, you should know that.. I have a really big family. Well.. kinda. My father has nine siblings and my mother has four. And yeah, we're pretty close. I have 13 uncles and aunts and.. like, 25 cousins or so and I keep in touch with them and in short, I KNOW them. So do my mother and father. My mother and father have a lot of uncles and aunts, so they have a lot of cousins too, and they know them pretty well too. Therefore, I have a lot of people that in a way or another are family and they are a lot, so.. I might or might not have seen them in person.

One day, I'd say, mm.. a few weeks ago, a guy came to my house, saying that he's a son of some dude who had died, and that he has no family left, and he really need a job, and came to my house to see my father and mother to talk or ask for a job or something along those lines. My mother was working. My father has something to do in Palembang. My sister was at school. I'm home alone, with a maid that will leave at 5 or so and Mitton. Should I panic? I think I should have, but I didn't. I kinda ask my father and mother whether they know this guy, and then.. well.. He said a lot of names that I think I should've known, and he said that he got my address from a person whose name was familiar in my ears, and he ask for my mother's and father's number and I gave him and I actually need to go so I ask him to leave. Via my father.

It turned out that he IS a some-kind-of a family from my mother's side. He's... uh. He's a son of a dude who was a my grandma's cousin or sibling or something. I forgot, okay? It's complicated. So my father or mother (I dunno) texted him and asked him to come to my house again. To talk. Or do something about this guy. Because family doesn't neglect each other, yeah?

A few days later, when my father's home, he came again and actually talk with my father. He rant about how he's alone and he need a job and he would go to Makassar with my father if he needs to, and how he won't beg for lalala and lalala. In short, he ranted. In the end of conversation, he asked to borrow some money. A million or so. My father decline and says that he doesn't need to borrow a million, but in return my father gave him half a million so he can come back to his village; because life's easier there. He'll get a job and he'll live, because, well, I don't really understand of how but my mother seemed to agree about that so I guess that was a good idea too.

A few days later, I lost my wallet.

How? I don't know. It was in my bag the last time I saw it. My bag. In my house. I guessed it slipped or something. But no it wasn't. Because when my mother's home and tries to find her laptops, she couldn't find them. And, my garage key was nowhere to be found too.

So.

Somebody must have broke into my house when I was sleeping upstairs that day.

I'm glad I haven't died.

We kinda should've saw this coming, because.. we put our keys under the chair in our terrace every time one of us gone out. For YEARS. And nothing happened before, so we kind of.. mm.. didn't do anything about it until that day. So yeah. The next day we changed our locks and keys and each of us has keys so no need to put any under the chair.

That was.. a week ago.

Exactly a week ago.

Today, being an unemployed person that I am, I went to UI with my friends of Rohis for dauroh. I was out at 8 in the morning and I was fasting, and we walked a lot, and talked a lot, and it was hot, and I was back home at 4.30 or something.

I was dead tired after that.

DEAD. TIRED.

The kind of tired that the only thing you want to do when you get home is sleep like a log. Or dead.

So.

When I got home, greeted by Mitton like usual, got my keys in my bag like usual, I suspect nothing except bed.

But when I tried to open the door, it was unlocked.

I thought my mother or sister was home and they kind of forgot to lock so I shrugged it off.

And then I saw my parent's room door was open. And that guy came out from there, brought my laptop bag with him.

Should I panic? Yes.

Should I scream like a mad man? HELL YES I SHOULD.

But I didn't.

Instead, I was staring like an idiot and he said that he was asked by my mother to bring something and he went to the door with my laptop bag with him and he still saying things, and then I stopped him and said that I need that laptop but he insisted that he should brought it and I insisted that there's something I need there and he gave me the laptop bag, and then he said he should go and he has a key and opened the lock with the key that I know I put on the table inside my house that morning and then.. run.

What did I do?

I locked the door, I went to my parent's room and it was a mess. A mess.

I opened my laptop bag and there's my laptop that should've been in my room upstairs.

Did I just experienced robbery?? My mind said.

I called my mother and said everything that just happened. I call my father too.

I saw my parent's room and oh, my camera's there, handycam's there, my mother's expensive bags are there, my father's watches are there, even tho it was scattered, it was there. Whew.

I laughed a little and I think he want to brought it all along with him, but I caught him in the middle of trying to figure out how and when he want to bring my laptop bag (the only thing he brought along that moment) I stopped him just in time with.. a method that I'm not sure I could use again in the future.

After that, I panicked.

Too late, mind. Too late. If my mind was a person, I'll slap her in the face.

I realized that it was kind of scary and I could've knocked out and died for real and then I sobbed a bit but I'm glad at least I saved my laptop. And about me being DEAD TIRED? Not anymore. Too preoccupied to feel exhausted, I'd say.

And kinda paranoid, and yeah. My sister and mother was home after that, I explained it to them with a dry throat, from fasting and talking a lot and panicking. My father too. A lot later.

My mother lost some of her jewelry but other than that... I think nothing was stolen. And I'm not knocked out and fainted.

Or dead.

And Mitton's not kidnapped.

And there's the story folks! It turns out okay! Even tho my mother's jewel are pretty nice to wear. But you can't have everything, so there.

Besides, my sister's sarcasms are funny.

p.s. A friend said to me that I should practice panicking when he called a month ago. He thinks I'm not panicky enough and that's not good for me. It needs a month to make me think he had a good point.

Post of good news'

Halo!

Okay.

So. Mm first I want to tell you guys a really great news!

Did you remember about a post where I put up a pict of a chocolate? Yeah? You did? Karen, the one who gave me that, made it to HI UI through SIMAK. YEEEEY. That was her dream, and it came true, and I'm sooo happy. Because she deserved it! I prayed for her! She's a really wonderful person, I'll be really sad if she didn't make it. BUT SHE DID AND THAT'S ALL WHAT MATTERS.

Yeey.

So yeah. That's one good news.

Another good news is, tho I already posted it before (and after some thought I erased it because I'm to lazy to update but yeah) and it's kinda.. old, because, well, some of my friends got accepted to college since, err uh, a long time ago; but well! It's the progress that I want to point out and, see for yourself.

I'm not the kind of person who sees that.. much of necessity of getting into college, I mean, 'All roads lead to Rome', yes? But I'm still happy that a lot of my friends did.. And not just my high school friends! My friends from NSO also! And and and... my friends in general. Either way, I'm proud and I'm happy for them.

Another good news, I'm still alive!

Another good news, mmm, to think from anything that could be a good news (and that's a LOT, including how I go unmurdered by space like about now), I finally made it to college! Yey! I'm happy my parents are happy, and my sister's happy, and I don't need to bring Mitton to Bandung with me (TIS WAS A SERIOUS THOUGHT, srsly), and Viren's there, and and and yeah. I'm happy.

I'm happy before because there's nothing to be sad about; but I'm happy today because there's more to be happy about. Hehehe.

So.

Now for random picture:

Romy - rani, Abang - Tiara

OSN 2010 , OSN 2011

I hope they'll get more than what Romy and I got last year!

"Sampe ketemu di FISIP UI ya Ran!"

"Hehehe, sippo! Sampe ketemu di FISIP!"

- Karen dan rani, 29 Mei 2011

Akhirnya...

rani - Sashika - Devi - Viren - Margaret - Kiky - Ajeng - Omi - Romy - Ryan - Ian

Ajeng - Devi - 'Garet - Omi - rani - Viren - Romy - Sashi - Kiky - Ryan

Mereka temen-temen OSN Ekonomi rani. Nggak lengkap sih. Pokoknya mereka yang bikin OSN jadi seru, kalo nggak ada mereka kayaknya rani nggak ada cerita seru deh selama OSN. Soal ekonomi yang memuakkan jadi nggak terlalu memuakkan lagi hehe. Aslinya dua puluh dua, perempuannya empat belas terus yang laki-laki ada delapan. Tapi yang lain berhalangan. Mungkin lain kali. Mereka spesial soalnya nggak ada empat hari nginep dan tujuh hari struggle di tempat orang yang pernah se-seru dan se-asyik pas bareng-bareng sama mereka. Bentar banget ya? Tapi seru kok.

Seru ya. Bener deh, seru deh. Sayang kurang lengkap. Bingung mau cerita apa. Pokoknya kangen, terus ketemu, terus seru, terus jadi pengen ketemu lagi, terus gitu deh. Seru deh.

Bonus:

Ajeng - Sashi - Viren - Kiky - rani - 'Garet - Devi

Jika tua nanti kita telah hidup masing-masing, ingatlah hari ini. - Ingatlah Hari Ini, Project Pop

She nailed it.

I start to think of the other bright side of your previous failure: You find out how much you are loved by people around you :) - klaravirencia

Before I start anything; check her site out, she's awesome.

Okay. So. Hmm. I'm kinda confused how to start this post because I actually had a lot thing to say. But I think I'll be brief. Maybe.

What Viren said above probably covers a lot. S'not that I haven't feel loved before; I do. A lot of time, actually; I think I've never feel unloved before. But it feels different when those people still stick with you even through your failure (although, I don't exactly categorized this kind of condition as failure, but let's just say it is). At these kind of time, I just notice that.. wow. They actually care. They are always there. They trust me, even after these failures. And maybe this is the time where I noticed how I take things for granted like crazy since forever. Somehow I don't get how could I deserve all these love; this is miraculous. Can't explain. It's too much I should've cried a river for this.

As I said before, I'm mentally prepared for failures. I think of it all the time. All the time. I imagine bad things before I go to sleep, I imagine how should I give a comeback after losing a competition even before the competition starts, something like that. I'm kinda-maybe-sorta spiritually prepared for failures. Because I believe in God and fate and when you believe in God and fate you should expect the unexpected. But it turns out that I'm not physically prepared for that. Remember when I said that I lose my appetite and sleep in odd hours before the test result? It happened to me again. For approximately four days, from July 30th until July 3rd, I felt nauseous. I wanted to puke at random times, I wondered how pregnant women could stand this; it felt awful. My hands trembled and they won't stop until I was distracted. My palms sweated a lot I started to think if I got a bad heart or something. I can't stop those; how could you stop something that ain't coming from your consciousness? I don't know what to think or do because, truthfully, I'm over the fact that I didn't get through; this is too early to be discourage and feel like today's the end of the world, right? So what's the problem? I kept asking myself that. And I haven't found the reason, maybe this is kind of psychology thing or something I don't understand.

So. Yeah. But these didn't matter anymore after I read words of encouragement from friends, seniors and family. Maybe some of them did it out of courtesy of something, but even if they did, I still appreciate it and it makes me happy! Well, once or twice it felt kinda bittersweet; I feel bad they have to cheer me like that, but still, it's really heartwarming. They said that I'm losing what I didn't deserve, that everything's going to be fine, that universities will be sorry for not having me earlier, that I'm good and I'll get through and that they wish me the best of luck and they pray for me, etcetera I don't know what to say. I go aww and I don't think my replies are enough to show them my gratitude. I'm so happy and glad and I feel loved. My father and mother, they don't even... I dunno, they don't look like they're that sad or something. I know they probably are sad (maybe, I mean, what kind of parents don't?) but it makes me feel lighter, knowing that they support me no matter what. They don't ask me to get into UI or ITB or some sort. They say I still got a lifetime to go, that I'm not losing anything. When I got the result, I always asked my father and mother: "I didn't get through, hehe. Don't be sad, okay?" And then they'll laugh and they said that they aren't sad, that it's okay and they don't mind and that I should do better next time. After that I'll laugh too, and whatever burden I had in my shoulder went out of the window. And BANG, I feel loved. I feel kinda bad because they can't brag about their oldest daughter to their friends or something, but I hope they can brag about something better in the near future.

And so, even tho I physically go crazy (I probably looked really suspicious when I smiled to the overseer with my trembling hands yesterday) they makes me happy and I feel really really loved and voila I'm okay again! BAM, really cool. I've never guess that these kind of sentimentality can affect me this much. In the end, being loved is one of those things you need to survive I think. A person must be really lonely if they can make it without loving or being loved. I bet they're super tough like super human or something.

SAD BAWWW

Sebelum rani mulai, ini adalah pengumuman kalo rani nggak keterima SNMPTN tulis. Surprising? Kinda. Tapi nggak papa. Somehow I saw this one coming. I felt like I should cry or something, because this thing suppose to be sad. But I don't. I think I should and I think I could if I want to, but I dunno, somehow I don't and I don't even know whether it's a good thing or not. I don't mind losing, really. I don't mind that I don't get everything I want and see, the fact that I don't mind doesn't mean I'm not sad.

The thing is, I am sad. Maybe. I guess. Well. I suppose I am, I guess. But not because of the result. I think rather than sad, it's more like.. I'm tired. I'm too lazy to study more. I'm too tired to actually work for it. Again, I mean. The fact that I can't be lazy anytime soon makes me sad. Not because I don't get into the university I have chosen. Oh, and the fact that my father and mother have to say that they don't mind and encourage me. And the fact that my friends have to cheer me up... well, as close as 'cheering rani a.k.a that-friend-who-actually-not-sad-because-of-the-result up' counts. But for the result? Nah. Not sad. Maybe a little. But not really; as I mentioned above. I think my lazyness is my number one reason of why I am sad. Or somesort.

One of my friend mentioned me on twitter: Don't use smiley emot if you're sad... it's not good for you. I laughed. True story.

Because when I see the result (with my sister, while lurking at tumblr) I did laugh. And I'm not that surprised. And my sister doesn't feel bad for me. And when I replied all mentions saying thanks' and thankyous and congratulations', I did smile. So... yeah. That's it. This is too early for me to feel bad and sad because of one-or-two failure. This is too early for me to break down and cry like there's no tomorrow. This is too early for me to actually... I dunno, crash and burn? LOL that one sounds like a cheesy movie title.

The thing is, I'm used to people saying that I'll make it and when it turns out that I don't, I'm used to it too. I think deep down, I know this is what I'll get when almost everybody said that I'll get my first choice, and when BTA teacher said that I should've written International Relations for first choice because I did well, or so they say. And this makes me happy, for one or two reason, knowing they have their faith in me (even tho I let them down) and hey yo, it turns out my results are too awesome to be predicted. Like this one.

So. I love you guys who cheer me up and pray for me and actually care and give me hugs and kisses through the internet, I really, really, really appreciate that. And for all my friends and everyone who made it through, I'm really, really, really happy for you guys. And I'm looking forward for more pleasant news as the clock ticks!

This is one of those things that'll make my biography worth reading. Thank you life. This is awesome. (not sarcasm)

"Tolong perhatian!"

Halo! Bingung deh mau cerita apa akhir-akhir ini agak nggak terlalu dinamis hari-hari raninya. Tapi nggak ada kok yang nggak bisa disenyumin. Jadi hari-hari rani pun terisi dengan banyak tawa (nggak penting abis). Terus ini deh, belum lama ini ngasih sesuatu ke orang tapi nggak bilang-bilang.. terus waktu orangnya seneng banget; orang-orang lain pada terkesan, rasanya pengen nge-klaim kalo rani yang ngasih deh. Pernah kayak gitu nggak? Bingung juga waktu itu rasanya bangga tapi kayak nyesel dikit kenapa nggak bilang-bilang tapi merasa bersalah dikit kenapa harus orang itu harus tau rani yang ngasih? Ya nggak? Kenapa coba?

Padahal ya, waktu ngasih tuh tulus banget, pure mau bikin orang seneng; syukur-syukur berguna gitu. Yah diakuilah, mungkin salah satu alasan nggak bilang-bilang soalnya takut juga kalo ternyata orangnya malah nggak suka (pengecut abis ye) jadi ya diem-diem aja deh moga-moga aja orangnya seneng. Eh orangnya seneng beneran. Dan akhirnya tinggal rani yang agak-agak nyesel dikit nggak bilang-bilang. Yah nggak papa sih. Disaat itu jadi agak termenung juga kenapa harus nyesel atau terasa nggak enak sih, toh what's done is done, dan orangnya juga suka, terus masalah rani apa?

Nggak diakui, that is. (pertanyaan bodoh)

Bahkan walaupun itu rani sengaja gara-gara ketakutan rani kalo-kalo orangnya nggak suka.

Yah namanya juga manusia, semua manusia emang hidupnya mau diisi sama perhatian jadi wajar kan?

Tapi ya, waktu rani ngasih tuh bener deh itu super tulus abis tapi rani yang itu kemana perginya sekarang. Sama mungkin ya kayak nulis blog. Biarpun rani nulis-nulis aja ya bodo amet dibaca apa dikomen orang apa nggak.............. ternyata nggak juga. Seneng banget rasanya kalo out of nowhere tiba-tiba ada orang yang bilang mereka suka baca tulisan rani biarpun ternyata boong juga rasanya seneng, kalo di komen biarpun random atau cuma sepatah dua patah rasanya kayak dapet harta karun. Mungkin awalnya nggak, tapi rasanya biar cuma sebiji semangka keinginan buat dikasih feedback itu ada. Nggak bisa dipungkiri kalo misalnya rani kayaknya emang pengen dan butuh feedback lebih dari yang rani kira.

Dan balik lagi ke tadi. Nah, apakah keinginan rani untuk mendapatkan feedback ini membuat rani nggak tulus? Nah nggak tau rani jadi bingung juga. Kalo dipikir-pikir ini mungkin mirip dengan postingan galau rani waktu rani takut sama pujian. Dimana rani jadi takut jangan-jangan selama ini rani beraksi dan bertindak gara-gara ekspektasi orang ke rani dan pujian orang yang didapatkan (mengerikan? emang iya) terus ini mirip. Ya nggak sih? Jangan boong, pasti pernah ngerasa kan? Mungkin pas temen kita jawab guru sesuatu dari apa yang kita baru mention ke dia, dan malah mungkin phrase "I told you so!" itu dateng dari keinginan buat diakui, ya nggak? Terus yaudah deh.

Gitu deh. Abis ceritanya. Terus sekarang sih belum ada konklusinya selain rasanya rani pengen jadi orang terkenal.