She nailed it.

I start to think of the other bright side of your previous failure: You find out how much you are loved by people around you :) - klaravirencia

Before I start anything; check her site out, she's awesome.

Okay. So. Hmm. I'm kinda confused how to start this post because I actually had a lot thing to say. But I think I'll be brief. Maybe.

What Viren said above probably covers a lot. S'not that I haven't feel loved before; I do. A lot of time, actually; I think I've never feel unloved before. But it feels different when those people still stick with you even through your failure (although, I don't exactly categorized this kind of condition as failure, but let's just say it is). At these kind of time, I just notice that.. wow. They actually care. They are always there. They trust me, even after these failures. And maybe this is the time where I noticed how I take things for granted like crazy since forever. Somehow I don't get how could I deserve all these love; this is miraculous. Can't explain. It's too much I should've cried a river for this.

As I said before, I'm mentally prepared for failures. I think of it all the time. All the time. I imagine bad things before I go to sleep, I imagine how should I give a comeback after losing a competition even before the competition starts, something like that. I'm kinda-maybe-sorta spiritually prepared for failures. Because I believe in God and fate and when you believe in God and fate you should expect the unexpected. But it turns out that I'm not physically prepared for that. Remember when I said that I lose my appetite and sleep in odd hours before the test result? It happened to me again. For approximately four days, from July 30th until July 3rd, I felt nauseous. I wanted to puke at random times, I wondered how pregnant women could stand this; it felt awful. My hands trembled and they won't stop until I was distracted. My palms sweated a lot I started to think if I got a bad heart or something. I can't stop those; how could you stop something that ain't coming from your consciousness? I don't know what to think or do because, truthfully, I'm over the fact that I didn't get through; this is too early to be discourage and feel like today's the end of the world, right? So what's the problem? I kept asking myself that. And I haven't found the reason, maybe this is kind of psychology thing or something I don't understand.

So. Yeah. But these didn't matter anymore after I read words of encouragement from friends, seniors and family. Maybe some of them did it out of courtesy of something, but even if they did, I still appreciate it and it makes me happy! Well, once or twice it felt kinda bittersweet; I feel bad they have to cheer me like that, but still, it's really heartwarming. They said that I'm losing what I didn't deserve, that everything's going to be fine, that universities will be sorry for not having me earlier, that I'm good and I'll get through and that they wish me the best of luck and they pray for me, etcetera I don't know what to say. I go aww and I don't think my replies are enough to show them my gratitude. I'm so happy and glad and I feel loved. My father and mother, they don't even... I dunno, they don't look like they're that sad or something. I know they probably are sad (maybe, I mean, what kind of parents don't?) but it makes me feel lighter, knowing that they support me no matter what. They don't ask me to get into UI or ITB or some sort. They say I still got a lifetime to go, that I'm not losing anything. When I got the result, I always asked my father and mother: "I didn't get through, hehe. Don't be sad, okay?" And then they'll laugh and they said that they aren't sad, that it's okay and they don't mind and that I should do better next time. After that I'll laugh too, and whatever burden I had in my shoulder went out of the window. And BANG, I feel loved. I feel kinda bad because they can't brag about their oldest daughter to their friends or something, but I hope they can brag about something better in the near future.

And so, even tho I physically go crazy (I probably looked really suspicious when I smiled to the overseer with my trembling hands yesterday) they makes me happy and I feel really really loved and voila I'm okay again! BAM, really cool. I've never guess that these kind of sentimentality can affect me this much. In the end, being loved is one of those things you need to survive I think. A person must be really lonely if they can make it without loving or being loved. I bet they're super tough like super human or something.