Resurrection

Hello guys!

Today is... scratch that. A few weeks back was sort of my break down or something. I was so not me, so sad and tired and depressing (depressing, not depressed) and so on. I was me who wrote 'how did I manage to be happy every single time before and not right now'. And this week, everything starts to lighten. Especially today!

(Usually when I said something like that, things will go down again but who cares of how world proves me wrong?)

So. This week started really nicely. My un-nice assumptions and prejudices were blown away and I get a hug. The next day, I was getting a lot of little nice thing; like how I get an economic train just when I was in the station; and one of my favorite story was updated and etcetera; things like that. And I get another hug! Today was super. Even tho in the end I got rejected from monbu scholarship (which I have to elaborated how my feelings were in the next-next-next paragraph), I feel happy! And there's a lot of nice things (including a lot of hugs!) going on today also.

Nice things that I usually gets EVERY SINGLE DAY including days in a few weeks back, but I'm too busy grumbling and thinking I didn't notice.

(Except for the hugs, because I don't get to hug people everyday like I used to)

-

You see guys, I'm writing this for the sake of future me, 'cause this me in the present is really, really grateful of what I wrote in the past. I want the future me to thank me for what I write too.

So listen here.

I don't feel sad because I don't get through. Really. Maybe just like when I got rejected from SNMPTN Undangan and Tertulis, because I realize now that I don't feel sad at those time as well. Mixed feelings, yes, but now I think I know that none of them was sadness. Disappointed? Yes, maybe. Sad? Nah, not really. One thing I know I felt for it is that, I hate the feeling of rejection. That's it.

The feeling of rejection.

You know, the feeling of rejection doesn't necessarily make you sad, but they do make you feel slightly disturbed by sort of thoughts like 'I don't deserve it'. Like, you didn't get through because you're not better than others who got through. The thoughts of losing from other people because I'm not good enough.

I hate that thoughts.

Because I can't help to think that too, but why should I care? Everything that happens now is always for the best, and this is just the journey! This is like, a micro fragment of tremendously incredible and long story of my adventurous life. It's too early to think I'm not good enough.

I always thought of that; how I'm not good enough. Now that I mentioned it, I still do. I always think that I'm not good enough even when every single thing happen to prove me wrong but I'm too blinded by others to care and recognize it. I know that it happened to one of super special and talented person I know and I don't want that to happen to me too. I'm just scared to be proud of me.

Very narcissist.

Still, I don't know what I'm trying to say now because I lost cause in the middle of writing this, but yeah. I want to be proud of me too.

And I will. Just you wait.

OH.

And about how today's so nice; it's because I think I get a hold of me again. Life's so good. I'm alive and I'm very happy.

"Scuse me while I do my happy dance!"

—Oghren, Dragon Age: Origins