It's been quite a long time since I have a particular reflection regarding just learnings I have in life generally. I should have something, no? And I kinda did, there are a few things I'd like to write down but never actually force myself to do it but now that I am, I am not sure which one I want to explore first.
One is a theory about how I think, there are people that I like to the point of no return (and perhaps this is not just a me thing but a human thing, we'll see if that's the case.
Or about the idea of friendships, because I like them (my friends) quite a lot but I have many many different post about friendship over the years, no? There's always new stuff to discover I guess! But there's that.
And then there's this thing about getting older--I am not sure what this was anymore actually, it's in my notes--but I've also talked about me being 31 and not dead yet in my other social media and maybe that's kind of that.
I miss just having a thought and then, just proceed to write it down to the blog just because. I was so talkative in social media and my blog before, I used to share things, post things too, like a footprint on the internet one way or another. In recent years I kinda still used my twitter to share my excitement about the boys I watch play, but even that I no longer do. What does that says about anything? Does it say things about my life? Like I am busy or something. But not really. I am still online most of the time and it's not like I don't appreciate things I know about my friends because of online posts (even if I still have a hard time keeping up with these post lol). Not sure why I don't do it too. I kinda want to do it too. But I don't. Isn't that a bit dummy?
Perhaps I think too much about what to post, too scared of being perceived, too lazy to just have a record or a memory of things that happened because I take most things for granted. Or all of them combined? Maybe.
Now that I think about it, maybe I value being mysterious? Hahaha. I think there's also this believe that I kept in touch with most of my friends, I don't think there's need for me to share it online since the people that needs to know already know (from me!). But that's not entirely true, because even my good friends didn't know that I marry until my other friends who know wonder if they know. The truth is that I am also not that good at keeping people updated with what's going on in my life.
Which probably leads to the biggest, probably most problematic factor of all possible reasons why I don't post, or write stuff: I have been lulled by the peaceful normalcy that I don't bother to immortalize it in one way or another. My dearest friends and sister maintain journals, and I thought that's great! I tried doing it, even for just about the workout I did that particular day or the game that I finished. But even then I suck at it lol.
I think it's good in a way that it signifies little to no conflict internally (i.e with myself) and externally (i.e with my loved ones or like generally with people) so there's nothing that kept me up at night that I want to reflect and share. On the other hand, it's a bit depressing since there's always something to observe, or something to ponder, or something to critique about the daily happenings--not just a life-changing event but a pattern, a thought, a habit, or anything really--if only I sit down with it and think about them.
That just rarely happen anymore hahaha. I think I should change it. Let's try if I could try and sit down and talked about the stuff I said I could talk about earlier. Even if not, I know deep in my heart that it's possible to write about anything. But we'll see! Now is just... well just a rant first.
A good exercise I think! It's really been a while since I rant, since it's now just so easy to rely on the tech/AI to craft words over your thoughts instead of coming up with it yourself. I'll probably write about this later--how recent technological development should be perceived and whatnot (not gonna be an academic essay though just a thought like I've always been doing--why do I bother with this disclaimer also a mystery to me hahaha).
Anyway! A bit of a thing that also makes me kinda want to go back to writing again. I had a conversation with a friend, and it reminded me about two things that I have written in this blog: the idea of initiating conversation and scars and lessons. I think, the past rani who are able to write her thoughts about this as articulately as possible, have helped the present rani perceiving the same things that happened to other people.
I want to be useful again, to rani in the future. Help her navigate the things she'd encounter again since I've been living for quite a while already, so most likely I've had some experience and thoughts about that. If I can write it, she will remember it, and she didn't have to think about them from scratch anymore.
Just like how past rani did.
With that said, we'll see!
See you in the next post!
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