Oh I'm Flattered

Awkay. These days... As I might have said before... (might said, might have said, whatever) I can't tell the difference between rani and not-rani anymore. Which is not good, or perhaps WEIRD because I'm still rani whatever I did or feel right? I know. Still, I.. don't feel comfortable with that. Now, I'm aware of things I have known before yet never experienced. And what's that? I don't know folks. I'm imagining things. I'm scared of flattery now. Any kinds of flattery. OH OH NOW I'm anxious.

Why? Why now? Why it has to be when I can't see that I'm still breathing my heart still beating and blood running in my veins? Okay maybe that's the reason, and although I'm exaggerating the "I cant see lalalala" part, I.. aaa.. hm. I dunno. Ahem. Okay. Back to the scary part.

I'm aware of flattery now. A few days, or weeks, or months ago, I still never care of what people see in me, I never care of what they think of me. Not the kind of "I DON'T CARE WHATEVER YOU SAID" I just think that I shouldn't be bothered with opinions that might make me fall, or stupid, or.. maybe take things for granted, and just get along with it. (Except if it bothers other people then of course I'll think of that twice) Now, I'm not sure anymore. I'm scared. Now I'm scared. Scared of what? I'd typed that on the first paragraph. Flattery. Can't see it? Let me type it again. FLATTERY.

I'm scared to think that I.. may did things nice, or good, or lalalalarainbow, because of the flattery I recieved OR (I think) I'll receive. And how cocky I become in the past years (or months, or weeks or whatever), BECAUSE OF IT. That thought.. scares me. Maybe this is one of the obvious reason why I'm in identity crisis now. Maybe not identity crisis, kinda, but you get that, right?

I know I shouldn't. I know what flattery can do. But I can never tell when it's rubbing off of me. I'm scared. I'm scared of not being sincere.

I often think every praise that aimed at me was a joke. Not all, of course. But that thought manage to make me feel comfortable and content, heck, sometimes I hate it when people praised me. I appreciated it though, even at times when I don't know why that kind of compliment have to be said or when I don't think I'm not proper enough to get that kind of compliment. Now, (oh time how you can change people) not anymore.. I don't even know when it's started. But... now I'm scared.

I complimented people, I cheered them, I smiled. I know what it'll do, I know (or guess, and lucky) what kind of things will occur if I do that. But this is new. Or at least feels like new. AAH. What now? I can't tell. I can't tell. For once (or twice, of thrice), I don't know the answer AND it bothers me. And I'm still scared. Or maybe not scared. Uncomfortable.