Tuesday, March 20, 2018

My concerns lately

Sometimes I worry that I am not very honest with myself.

I think I'm pretty honest, but what if I'm not? How would I know? After all, it is me who I'm lying to. And I might be a terrible liar, but I am also pretty gullible. I don't know.

Like… I don’t know. Sometimes I think I know myself so much. But what if it’s because what I am is just what I think I am?

And I wonder if that’s even a valid question, cuz, why wouldn’t you be the person you think you are? I don’t understand this. I have too much existential crisis.

You know, sometimes I get tired too, when I seemed to be more of an interesting specimen, or an exception, for my surroundings. I mean, I also like to think I'm special, but to dismiss my experience or my perspective because I am not 'like most people'  is also disconcerting.

I know I am a serious person, but I didn’t know that I’m so serious that I don’t know how not to be serious about things anymore. I butchered small talk. I cannot. Somebody should tutor me how to not talk seriously, or talk about serious stuffs, or twist a non-serious talk into something serious. How do I keep things light, anyway? What can people even ask about things that doesn’t matter?

Thursday, February 15, 2018

That I am

No matter how much I propel, I will never get there.


But rowing my boat is the only thing I know how.
And you are the only think I know to desire.

Tell me,

When all of this ends, will I reach you then?
Will I find a way, to go to you?

I am not heartbroken,
but I am lost.

Thursday, January 18, 2018

An update!

I am not neglecting this blog, I swear. I was locked out of it for a while because I was not able to figure out my password for the old email which I used for this account. Yeah, I know, lame, and I am a little traumatised (even though everything should be fine now) because I am reminded yet again


things can (and most of the time, surely) end abruptly without any warnings beforehand. So my last post would be my last post. And I could never erase the stupid stuffs that I finally stumbled upon from my old self (I rarely did this but some things are dumb that I cannot not erase it for the sake of my sanity). Basically stuffs just ends and I cannot do anything about it and it sobered me up.

But since as I mentioned in the last post, that what I want or do might not be something deliberately purposeful anyway--maybe it does not matter all that much.

Anyway. Things moved on since the last time I posted. For instance, I am not in the UK anymore, which saddened me sometimes (because I genuinely like London). And I am employed now (because living costs money, that's why). But basically a chapter of me pursuing my master had come to an end. And it ends pretty well, in a way that it feeds my ego.

You see, I tried really hard. I did.
I wanna be good. So I read and I write and I become better.
I thought I have become better, but I just become 'slightly' better. Good, but not good enough, I thought.

At the first few weeks of my study, I thought of how hard studying is really is, and thinking that I might not be able to finish with a flying colours. When I was working on my dissertation, I tried making peace with the fact that I might have tried really hard but it might turned out to be just... alright. (Well the story of mediocrity is not just about trying to be good at Splatoon 2 ya see). Funny thing is, it turned out that I did (pass with flying colours. Somewhat), and I still think I am not good enough.

Now in retrospect, this is where I notice what inferiority complex really is. I thought it was the means to be humble (because I am humbled), but I get so far to not acknowledge achievements when it's in front of me. I convinced my self that I am nothing but the usual, and it... might not be as good as I thought it should be.

Regardless, I don't think it is something that I can imagine changing, yet. At least. Idk. I can't imagine me being anything than I am now. So what if it's humility, or inferiority complex, I feel what I want. Let me be joyous in thinking that I am not amazing (which I am really not).

But overall I was all great experience since I got a friend and level-up my friendship with another. I am smarter than I was a year ago, and I am better equipped for life than I was a year ago. I thought I have myself all figured out but I am not, and that's evolution for you.

Another update of my life is that I still wonder how did I ended up being so lucky. I am so lucky. In this bleak, horrid world, where it is very conducive to be evil, when it's easy to be horrible, that I am surrounded with wonderful people. That I find people whom I can see in the eyes, and that I find sincerity and love in their dreams. That I can talk to them, and how it makes life more bearable. That they are wonderful, more than Wizard of Oz could ever be, I am sure.

I wonder why I am so defeated--when I am loved, when I am capable of getting what people find valuable, when I am surrounded by wonderful people. I wonder why I am like this? What is the lie that I told myself? What has happened that makes me this way? What makes me so tired? And terrible?

I think I am plenty nice despite being tired and terrible, though.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

[DRAFT] Will

(written 22/3/15, edited just now. Just so it's out there.)

There are times when I looked at cats or dogs and started to wonder why do I do things I do. Why am I busy with assignments, trying to graduate college, trying to have more money. Functioning in society. Whatever thing else. Who decide that I have to live my life this way? Why don't I do things other creatures do?

Even somewhere out there, another human being is leading their life with concerns that are nothing like mine too. They do things that I don't do too. But why do I? Why do I do these things? Most of the things I do are things that I can't help but do--because this is where I was born; because this is the family I'm raised from; because these are the friends that I made; because this is my name; because those are the people I met; because these are things I learnt; because these are things that come across my life; so on and so on. That's why I have to go to school. That's why I can climb trees. That's why I have to wear clothes. That's why I read books. That's why I watch cartoons. That's why I love my cat. That's why I act this way.

Every single thing I do in this world is nothing but the echo of other things that I have no control over. What do I actually have control over? Even my assessments and my choices are born out of spite or because of reasons that aren't coming from myself. Even the way I think about things are shaped by things around me. Even what I feel is probably just chemical reactions of various things that made up my body. A body that constantly altered, little by little, by age, by what I ate, by what I drank, by whatever else.


But I'm here writing this. Not.. mad. Long has been gone since I accepted the fact that I'm not at all important in this universe--that I'm probably just another microscopic screw out of this grand scheme made by higher existence or something. A tiny, insignificant speck.

I just... sometimes I just want things. Sometimes I want to be a dog, a pony, a boy, anything that can fly, live underwater, I want to see dinosaurs. But I can't. I can't be a dog. I can't fly. I can't live underwater and befriend sea creatures. I can't.

I don't think any amount of working or training or praying can ever grant me any of those.

What is a free will when your will are free only for things you CAN do?

Or having this kind of feeling is free will too? Wanting things that you can't have ever. That's free will? A feeling that are response to your inability to achieve things?

Feelings? Conclusion from process of cognition? Is that it?


I don't know.

Monday, August 14, 2017

On a scale of mediocrity

I have come to a point where I don't feel bad for not updating, which is horrible. I actually do have things to say, like this post that have been a draft for more than a month (or two) but not enough willpower to finish it.


I learnt many things in my life. I mean. I did lots of things. And I think I'm quite good at most of those things.

By quite good, I just meant that I can actually do it. Which I think is quite a feat.

There are many things that I can do (just, you know, do). Sometimes I wonder if I choose just to be good at one out of those things I can do, I am probably going to be very good at it. I sometimes wonder if I do one and not the rest. I wonder if I could actually become an athlete, or an artist, or a vet, if only I choose to do things differently than I did back then.

But I actually did choose some. I choose some, and I don't do the rest anymore. But still I find that I am not particularly good at them either.

I realize that it might be just the case that in whatever I do, I might be good at it--enough for it to be good--but probably not spectacular. I don't think the current me can manage in doing spectacular in anything.

Is it because I don't practice enough? I don't study enough? Perhaps. Was it the price I paid to be able to do all of the things that I can do? Perhaps.

Still, I don't think there will be anything that I am going to be very good at.

This is quite gross but some people would argue if I said I am mediocre. My friend said that somebody would punch me if they hear me saying that I am not very smart. I want to believe in that, but it costs a lot to believe so.

It costs a lot to think that it matters if I am more than just okay--because it entails a lot of work and achievements. I am not that... ambitious? Diligent? I don't have enough energy to get there, most likely.

That is why I accept that maybe, I am not destined for greatness. I probably am mediocre. In a spectrum of mediocrity, I probably fall somewhere where my parents can brag about me, and that my friend can be happy to acknowledge that we know each other, and that some people would think I am pretty good at what I do. But it remains, that I am mediocre. And it is really nice to accept that possibility, because it brings peace to me.

It is quite different mindset, I think, to think that you are not all that special in grand scheme of things and to think you are not all that special in all things you do. The first thought I got it covered for years now, makes me a happier being (if there is any time I don't think that, or if there is any time I am not happy). The second thought--this is a little harder to be accepted.

Because sometimes I just want to be good, you know?

And it shows. I told myself it was a game. That it's fine if I don't win, but sometimes I get myself stuck with frustration when I am losing, and sometimes I resorted to blame my teammates (if I have one). Sometimes I swear when I play games--and that tells a lot about how invested I actually am when I played. And well. This is just a game. I mean, at most games I am pretty chill about losing or winning, but there are some that really hurts when I lose.

So yeah. Sometimes, even though I have come to believe that I am insignificant and pretty much everything exist in the face of earth also are, I want to be good.

But I don't. And sometimes it felt bad.

But most of the times... I guess it's not so bad. It actually felt nice sometimes, when you can only watch the game from afar and see those who are really good at it play. Amazing, even. Then you'd realize that even the reaaal good ones still lose sometimes.

So yeah!

If mediocre is what I am I guess I'll try to be pretty happy with it. After all, that's where everyone is.