Ptichka

His name is Ptichka. He's a character from one of my favorite webcomic Icarus. Ah. Ptichka is adorable. (But the comic is gonna be angsty I just knew it.) I drew this while listening to this. This song is my Icarus headcannon.

Ah. Damn.

Life updates in 3, 2, 1...

Hello guys!

Looking back, I see I've grown from an optimistic wide-eyed idealist to a cynical immature young human to something else now but I don't know what. Probably a contemplative pushover whose innocence has lacking to be optimistic idealist yet too tired to be cynical. I settled to indulge and be happy for whatever right now. A very typical of me. I don't know if that's bad or good, though.

I really think it's not bad. But if I settled for that I don't know if I would ever achieve more things. I don't know.

And I'm scared of labels I don't deserve too. I'm flattered really, but these labels are frightening rather than pleasing. I'm not that nice. I'm not that diligent and I'm not that smart. I merely do stuff I can manage. If that helps anyone then I would be more happy. As much as it really is flattering and I thank them for thinking so highly of me, please be mindful to be disappointed from time to time; I'm not flawless.

And I like vibrant colors! Lately (or maybe not so lately) I'm so into reading new comics, more so if they are colored. I was having a conversation with a friend where I explained that I'm always referring different kinds of comic-that-has-a-term-for-themselves (or comic-with-its-representative-name) into just 'comic'. I don't think that's bad, I mean, they ARE comic in one way or another right? Only different origins, maybe. Or different sort of style. But they're still comic, right? As a browse through different styles of art, styles of drawing, styles of coloring, styles of storytelling and stuff like that, it really ignite the artist inside of me, yanno? Like I really want to try these colors out! Or these lights! or how do you draw things like this? Or how can they manage to compose it so nicely? Or who can someone come up with a way to deliver this super cliche plot into something this interesting? So on. But I don't really do anything about it tho, only contemplating and enjoying things in general (my motivation is that high).

One of these days I'm faced with a lot of stuff but I'm pretty slack than I used to it seems. I think in a way it degrades the quality of the job (and maybe my integrity? Wow serious stuff) but mentally speaking I'm more relaxed than before... I guess. I've always been panicky when it comes to things that isn't my business only and I love to do things fast, but now... Meh. I guess I gotta chill sometimes too. Gotta learn to lean on people. Gotta learn to not be positioned as one whom people can lean on all the time. In my opinion, one of the endearing qualities that makes you happy when you're working with others is the feeling like you can depend on them. For me, it makes me love them more than before.

But no. Not really. I'm still panicky, and I still wanted things to be done fast. Hehe. But other than that, the rest of the paragraph is pretty much true.

You know, things that makes me sad these days is that I don't seem to question anything anymore. Okay, maybe some things, but it either unimportant or things I shrug off immediately after thinking. Heh... I think I've gone through this before? But yeah. I think in a way I lost my ways of living, and that something is lacking.

And then, I got into a conversation where my love life is questioned (I don't get that a lot, mind you). You know what, me too, in a way, want to know what it's like to have someone in mind. But then again it would be a pain in the ass so in a way, I don't really want to. Thank my lucky stars that I haven't found it yet, because it's already hard for me to deal with stuff I have in hand now, I don't know what I'd do if I too have another person to think or feel about. I have to admit though, being available is sometimes a pain in the ass as well. But then again, one can't have everything.

These days also, I'm trying to fix my diet. I'm trying to eat fruits regularly now. I realize how I'm getting fat, and the amount of stuff I eat is just... horrid. I do get jokes (?) about how fat my cheeks are, but I've never think it's bad until I dreamt of a dream where everyone there make fun of my cheeks. Then I realized that my dream is trying to make me realize I'm insecure about it. Subconsciously. Yeah. So. Until now, I haven't lessen my food (the day papa got transferred to Jakarta permanently I eat three dishes for dinner, it was steak and spaghetti and calamari and boy half the bill is my food I guess, I feel horrible afterwards); I'm trying... tho.. but for the time being I'm trying to not just eat protein and carbohydrate but also... fruit. And veggies. I think I'm sort of okay with the fact maybe I'm getting fat, I just don't want to be sick. I eat lots of ice cream too! I can eat three ice cream a day if ice creams are available at all times. For the sake of health (and fat, a little bit) I am now walking down the path of... this.

This one is pretty long. Oh yeah. I'm really thinking of making comic strips. Or short stories with pictures. I don't know. These days I want to be creative and create stuff and also study abroad but I did none of those things. What is wrong with me and my will. And determination. What would I do if I have a baby. Or a private island. It would be stranded.

YOU, COMMIT ALREADY.

There's this one remorse that I keep having, and for once and for all I want myself to commit not to do anymore:

You just do it no more. Writing it here on the blog where you (sort of) record your track of thoughts making it official Ran and I hope you don't have anymore excuse to be tempted or to do it for whatever reasons. I believe that you're able to do it, it's just your determination sucks like an anteater. I'm sick of regretting things that you can prevent. Just. Don't. For your own good and health and mind and everything. 

I mean it!

This is an act of love. 
Love, rani.

In cases of love

The time when you fall in love is the time you’re being an idiot without knowing.

That, is what my father said (pretty sure he heard it from tv).

And I agree.

I mean, I don’t know if it’s true or not; logically, those kind of stuffs don’t have anything to do with intelligence. But I don’t know, I just believe so. I believe that love is that powerful that it blurs judgment. It distracts us people from seeing things that are (also) important as in the only thing matters is the said object of affection. It makes you feel complete for some unknown reason and it feels magical. Or something. Maybe. I think.

But yeah. The thing is, I believe that love makes you blind. It makes you stupid. People in love are poor judges of everything.

When you fall in love, you don’t think straight. You can’t. That’s why you should listen to others who still can.


Yes. Listen to others.


Not just random people, or everyone in general; but people who matters. People whom you know won't let you get hurt, people whom you know for years loving you (in a way you do too), people who are always be there for you before this object of affection comes into the picture.




Though I admit, these ideas of being in love is mostly from fictions (including tv).

...and real life example. Sort of. But mostly fictions.

And that is all.