This Year's Life Update

So I've graduated from college. Whew. Feels very fast.

I still wonder why I'm still alive, not unlike before I went to college, but I certainly have different stance on that (although I still agree that I'm still living a nice life. The rest... hm). 

I don't really do anything to fill my unemployment, I guess. I want to go to school again, but we'll see what world has in store for me. But basically I don't have much thing to do, so I decided to start a comic. It's called... I haven't come up with a good title yet, but it's basically about two high school girls and their pretty random adventures (or conversations. Mostly conversations). It also consists of mostly two panels and never more than three... because apparently I'm that bad at coming up with an actual story to make more panels. I'm having a hard time making a fixed schedule for them though. And I'm learning sign language now. I like learning sign language. Sign language is fun! I like it. I'm waiting for that time when I become so good that sleep talk with sign language.

She didn't.

I pick up inline skating again too. It really has been a while: I dropped it when I started high school, and I was pretty good and fearless back then--something that I really think I need if I want to advance. I'm thinking of mastering some tricks... but after I have a proper training place where I won't end up that badly hurt or died painfully.

Oh yeah. I made a FYP about my favorite show, maybe I'll have it covered in another post. But I wasn't really expecting a really good reception from my lecturers--it was mainly a work of love (I admit I was trying to be as rigorous as I can on the theory and findings) and it's not that I expect to actually be praised for it. I was trying to just "passed" with that. It turned out better, I suppose. I'd have to give the credit to my lecturer being too kind. And, the crazy ass thing is that I managed to have the abridge version of my paper to be AUTOGRAPHED by the fandom theory guru whose concept was the core concept of my argument (before it was revised... BUT STILL). His works are one of the most influential reference for my writings and I actually got him to sign it for me. I don't even dare to dream that it could actually happen but it just did whatever the odds he was here in Indonesia after I finished this freaking paper and willingly signed it... it's still pretty unbelievable to me.

It was incredible and I also managed to have a group-selfie with him.

Hmm... so yeah, that's basically the gist of it. 

I think I have to be more ambitious for what I want to do in the near future, but I don't think ambitiousness is running in my blood. Oh well. 

"You are worth so much more than your productivity."

- Anti-capitalist Love Notes

p.s. We're still in capitalistic society, so.

p.p.s for more of my comics, go here. I purposely made an account in that certain platform for it because I think it fits the medium (and I want to keep up with the trend................ who am I kidding)

Happy Pessimist

I like myself a lot.

This, doesn't change. For all my life I know I like myself a lot. I love pampering myself, make myself happy, make myself content. There are some things in me that changed though. Like... the way I see things and the way I think about things. Because I know more stuffs now. I learn more stuffs. I see more stuffs. And with that, I changed. I don't think it changes the important stuffs though. It never changes who I really am, I think. If anything, now that I know better, I understand myself better too, and recognize myself better too. There are things that instead of changing, I think it's more like I'm revealing myself. I discover myself. At least what have came to light until now, that is. But nevertheless, yeah.

Anyway.

I thought I was an optimist. I thought I am. Maybe I was. But now that I think about it, that was because I've always associated happiness with optimism, where I was a happy pessimist all along. I thought I was happy because I always see the best of things.

But I didn't.

It was never because I always see the good things; it was because I've never failed to see the worse and embraced it. It came very naturally for me to see failure until I become comfortable with the idea, how I think being dead comforts me when I live a relatively good life, how horrible societies are when people around me are nothing but lovely and wonderful. Counting my lucky stars up there, preparing myself when everything around me crumbles. But it never really stop me from being happy, you know?

If there's any subject that I mention hundreds of times in my blog, it's gotta be about happiness (and goodness, which I've to give more thought because now I think I understand why I'm so confused about the notion). Why? Most likely because that's one subject that I feel close to. Can relate to. Like I have sufficient 'knowledge' of.

And I like it.
I like being happy.

I guess it makes sense, maybe it's exactly because I've always see things in a very pessimistic point of view that everything I get become something that I can be grateful for, things that I can be happy about.    Silver linings become obvious to me, because my clouds are so freaking dark. But I think it's more of the fact that I like being happy, and I want to be happy, so despite everything I make everything become things I can be happy about.

But then again, I have every reason in the world to be happy. I'm loved by my parents and sister, born as a majority, financially stable, have proper education and funny and nice friends, also born in the era where live is easier than it was 10 years before then, etc etc. So of course I am. I should. Right?

I really don't know what is wrong with me.