Urges

I want to confess.

I don't know if it's weird or maybe not as weird as I think it is, but I realize this just recently and I think it's maybe weird but I don't know.

So yeah. There are things that I know I want to do, and they are not necessarily bad, but I don't do them. Because those are things I want to do to others. Because they are others, and not me, I always wondered if it's ok for me to do... stuffs to them.

Nothing weird, really. Most of the time I just want to touch them.
Ok it does kinda sound really weird. (Or not?? Maybe not?? I think not really but Idk I said weird a lot in just a few sentences)

I want to do that a lot. And I think I can do that. I really can.

But I didn't.

Because it would require me to, say, touch them, and they might not like it.

It's not always complicated; I asked if I can touch them, sometimes. I touched some of them, sometimes. I let them know that they are soft and tender, sometimes.

But most of the time,
I just didn't.





Now.

I just realized how natural it is for me to think that I can't do things to people (or other things) just because I want to. Things I didn't do because I know it is not all on me.

I want to think that it's because I have a plenty good self-control. (Maybe I really do)

But I wonder if the things that I want to do--and I decide to not do in the end--speaks louder than the fact that I am able to stop myself from doing it.





Does it really matter what the urges are, as long as I am able to control myself?
Or is the reason I need to control myself in the first place supposed to be something that I have to wonder about? Or fix, even?


For example.

If I want to kill people,
is it fine as long as I don't actually kill them,
or the very fact that I want to kill people is a thought I have to get rid of?


It's really confusing.

Lazy

Oh no. I missed 2 months.

Oh well.

I guess it's just because I am lazy.

Anyway, talking about my laziness, a lot of people don't really believe me when I said that I am lazy. Most likely because I have done things and am still doing things.

This is something that I realized recently, I suppose. I can just do things without wanting to do things. I don't have to have the will to do stuffs to do stuffs. I am lazy, but I am doing it anyway. Most of the time it's because it will be more troublesome if I don't do the things I think I should do. But other times, it's just because I can.

I think this is common, no? I mean, how many people are doing the things they are doing at the moment as they want? Only a handful of lucky people are able to do things they want and want things they do. Most are just doing things that they thing they should do. And able to do. And then there they are.

Exist. Live. Somewhat.

My case is that I am lazy. While I enjoy things that I do (yes, even taking a bath or working) I am lazy! I'd rather not do things. But I have to, because I am alive. Maintaining life is full of effort. I have to eat, to eat I have to earn food, to earn food I have to follow whatever system this society come up with. And this society come up with a lot of things. Things that I don't even care sometimes. But I cannot not care at most times, because I live in society and they have mold the place I lived in to something with rules that I have to follow.

Granted, I find many fun things by living. And I am capable of being happy.

So I guess living is not so bad.
(Though I guess I would be totally fine by not living anymore)




So if this means that I merely exist, I guess that's fine.
If this means that I'm dying inside, that's fine too.

I spent a lot of years finding meaning of living. I find that it can be anything that I come up with. (Maybe it's too early to say that. Maybe I have yet live enough.)

And I find that maybe to just exist is not so bad.



I don't understand if this is the sort of things human came up with to console themselves, make themselves feel better, or justify their sad life--but I understand now.

Nothing is really matter. Nothing.

You make things matter. Granted, people kinda help you make things matter to you.

But that's just it. It's all on you.




(And I guess that ability to perceive is probably the most wonderful thing that a creature can be given to)