What a year

This year is literally a year with pandemic, but in retrospect, this year is not... a horrible year for me. I guess it is somewhat horrible that I hardly able to meet up with my friends because I miss them a whole lot, but things are relatively good? Wholesome? I guess.

The thing with this pandemic situation is, I think, that when we are somewhat forced to work with the bare minimum, you'd know what are constant in your life and what isn't. The things you can't live without and the stuff that aren't that important after all. Who are the people you actively wanted to seek and reach out, as well as the people you don't pay much attention to. 

This year has been kind to me. So kind that I would be happy if I my life to end soon. Perhaps next year, hopefully.

-

A few stuff from last year that happened and does not exist in the last year's post

1. 

There was one time when I cried when I was in ojek when I was on my way home. It was just last year. I was so tired that day and I thought:

"I am tired. I wanna go home."

I wanna go home.

I thought.

And the realisation dawned on me--I actually have a home to come to.

In many sense of the word--the physical place that I seek to rest, the family that loves me, the idea of a space that I am comfortable to be. 

So I cried. 

2.

Last year around the same time I was in Bali. I resigned from my previous job and thought that I want to learn how to garden.

So I did.

I eat greens. Met wonderful people. I don't learn much of gardening, I guess. But I managed to resolve the anger that had been haunting me. There are a lot of fun stories.

I write a diary in Japanese every day when I was there. (Didn't bother to continue it when I'm back home)

3. 

I was somewhat part of a relationship drama, figuratively eating popcorn in the sidelines. It was a shoujo manga plot material, I swear. But since I have sworn secrecy, this will only be the extent to where I write it.

This year (so far):

1.

Had the opportunity to work with the sweetest people I have come to encounter. Lovely folks that made me re-learn the stuff that I feel is important, validate values I have, accept me for who I am, listen to what I had to say. It was warm, fun, and I learnt a lot in many ways. My time with them had been short, but I felt so full. I'd be keeping in touch, however they let me.

2. 

Asked myself questions on love and friendship, turns out that I don't think of it and know it as much as I thought I was. The ones that remained unanswered I don't bother to pursue, I am sure it will be answered in due time. I think that I am just plainly happy with what I am, and I am happy to be around if anyone wants me to be. I think in many ways, I don't think many would like me much once they know who I am, so those who stayed after knowing me, I think they're really special and I am really grateful.

3.

The marginal utility of the stuffs that used to bring me joy diminish. But it made a lot of sense--I used to be able to enjoy it sparsely, because with outside activities my options to do other stuffs are aplenty. Now that I can always go back to the things that I know I enjoy, of course I'd do it often. But it's hard that sometimes I do it to keep myself going, instead of to find the joy that I used to get from it. In any case, it happened, but it's inevitable, and I guess it's alright. I can always try new stuff or other alternatives, but still, they brings me joy still, so I still love doing it. Perhaps just not with the same amount of joy that it used to give me.

4.

My family is whole and safe and together most of the year. It hardly brings frustration. It feels nice that we can dinner and lunch together. I love them lots. I hope they are always happy and healthy.

5. 

The interactions I have with my friends increased despite not meeting in person. Still miss seeing them in person... but it makes me happy too, to have them around and got to chat with them more often than before. 

6.

I read a lovely Chinese webnovel that I am absolutely obsessed with and I have been spending so much money for its merchandise. Once in a blue moon (or perhaps never before) I am excited to spend money for stuffs that I hardly use. 

I think CN webnovels as a medium have given me the realisation of how precious and strategic the role of translators were, for you to be able to see another world through their interpretation of words in different language. It's amazing and scary, isn't it? A whole meaning of a novel can change if you, as a translator, weren't able to convey what it was (for whatever reason). 

But of course, traduttore, traditore, and while I agree, the effort of building an image of one same thing using different words and nuance is such a wonderful and important art. Translators, my respect.

-

I have been really happy. I don't need much else.

I hope this ends soon.

A breather, somewhat?

It has been a while since I updated this blog. Now that I think about it, me not writing is mostly less about the fact that I'm lazy or busy.

I just don't spend that much time with myself to sit down with my thoughts, that's why I don't write.

If I do I think it's easier for me to just, you know, write it down somewhere. So when I don't, ya I don't write.

Highlights of my life since last post:

1. I am home all the time
2. I see my friends becoming friends with each other (I really hope they'd be a good one because god I love them, let us be healthy friends forever). 
3. I got to taste what it's like to pay attention to 3D cp again.

Other than that I guess there's nothing much. I am generally happy and I enjoy being home. Though being home is too conducive for me to just, you know, not confront my thoughts. Whenever I have something bugging me it's so easy to resort to nap, or play more games, or read more fanfiction.

Oh, I am increasingly tired of identity politics discourses lately as well. But well, it's not that it takes a lot for me to be tired of something.

Also, I am trying to manage my feelings better too.

You know when you have big feelings toward something, you are way more vulnerable to anything about it. That it's soooo easy to hurt you because what you are just that invested to it. It's so easy to be happy when you love something a lot, as in it takes little for you to be over the moon in regards to anything related to it. But it's the same of being hurt too--I think it takes little for me to get hurt when I love it a lot. Littlest things that is not consistent with my ideal will leave a wound in my heart.

I generally am quite good at managing that: I generally utilise a lot of tools to create a safe space for myself. But sometimes when you seek enjoyment you find yourself roaming, exploring to things that you didn't know would hurt you--and that you only know that it hurts when it did. Those things are particularly hard to avoid (and you just had to get hurt to learn). Sometimes it's just cuz you're unlucky that you just get to experience this or encounter this thing you know you hate and you know hurts you.

Anyways, that's a forever work-in-progress, after last year I am aware that I'm green in having many feelings and that the feelings that I thought I'm good at managing isn't all the feelings that existed (or well. I was just wrong in thinking I'm good at it).

I hope I learn new stuffs this year. Maybe draw more.

Other than that, like most human beings on earth, I wish the pandemic is over soon because I miss eating out and meeting my friends.

Sometimes it's your heart but I think it's all the same

I wanna talk about scars and lessons.

I think generally things that hurts you fall into two category:

1. Things that make you sick but let you learn a lot from it, and from that lesson, you will not get sick (or as sick) when it comes to you anymore
2. Things that make you sick and the part that hurt will not function as good as it used to.

The first one is like getting sick with stuffs like flu or stomachache. Or sickness that you vaccinate in general. I mean, you will be compromised for a while, but after your immune system exposed to it and was able to defeat it, it will remember how to defeat it in a more efficient way when the next one comes to you. That's how vaccine works, anyway.

Those are nice things that hurt you. Nice, as in it makes you stronger. It hurts but you're stronger after that. You learn things that make you able to fight it. I mean, there's a chance that you die, but when you didn't, you're stronger (oh dear there goes the 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' quote). It does not matter if you're exposed to more of the source, you can fight it now.

But some things hurt you and you become damaged.

Like when you got burnt or when your ankle is sprained. Or when the ligament in your knee is torn. You healed, and it generally won't hurt. But sometimes it will--when you touched them too hard, when you had a bad posture, when you give too much pressure, when the weather is bad--even though it's supposed to be healed.

You are healed, but you're not the same, and you will never be the same. You will not be able to do things like you're used to, because you're more vulnerable than before and the more you expose yourself to it the more broken you will be.

It's not nice, and it hurts, but you learn something from it too: it's not good for you. You have to avoid things that hurt you like that. Avoid the risks. You shouldn't play with fire anymore, you shouldn't skip your steps in the stairs anymore, you shouldn't play sports competitively anymore. You don't expose yourself to more of it--it won't make you better. If you do, you will hurt and damage it even more.




But sometimes people cannot differ these things well. Sometimes you are hurt and you don't know what kind of lesson you should take: does this mean you can handle it better from now on? Or does this mean you have to avoid this thing that hurt you forever?

Though I guess it's a thing that you'll figure out sooner or later anyway. I mean, as long as you want to survive, you will definitely learn about what kills and what doesn't kill you.

Else, just find a doctor.