Preface
Ok so, recently I have a quite heated discussion on the idea of free will. The thing is that, for as long as I can remember, I don't believe in free will. When I try to explain to my husband why I don't believe in it--in a way that I believe all things are all determined, that everything is just an echo or consequences of things that precedes it, I felt my explanation is just so so bad. Like I wasn't able to present my case in a structured, logical, nor convincing way, because I just take it for granted.
I am so baffled at my incompetence. It's true that I am rusty at this, and I am not the most eloquent person in the world. But this singular idea of the world--life--being determined already is an important one for me. So I should have done better.
By the end of that discussion, of course we just left it at that, but I couldn't leave it at that.
'I must have written it,' I thought. I must have written it in my blog, because, this value of being deterministic, literally breeds most of other convictions that I have in my life, so I must have written this in my blog. Someway, somehow.
The thing is that, I am correct, but I am also wrong. I am correct, in a way that I did write it. A poor draft that I know is not sufficient nor satisfying at the time but I just need to get it out there--but I did write it. What I am wrong about, is that I that I thought it would be older (because my crisis of faith, asking my peers around about "if God is omniscient then why is the world the way it is?" as an obsessive survey happened in early days of my high school) and I thought it would be more elaborate (because!! If it's not because of this thing that internalize my whole life, then I would not be the person I am today.)
I did write different stuff, and I know in variety of ways, I always implied this believe of mine. Similar to implying how I am waiting for my death to come, but in less dramatic way, most of the time.
With that said, I realize that there is a need for me to make an attempt of elaborating this in a way that I could easily share to other people, including my loved ones, who didn't get the luxury of growing up together with me spewing deterministic nonsense.
The idea of Determinism that I believe
When I say that I am "deterministic", or "I don't believe in free will", what does that mean? I think it is just the standard dictionary meaning, where I believe that all events in the universe is the way it is because it is set up the way it is. If the start of the universe is the big bang, then whatever happens after big bang is inevitably happen because of big bang. Things happen because the thing that precedes it happen, and it is nothing to do with how human "perceives" it, or how they "wills" it.
To put it simply, I believe that the universe and the time where we experience it in linear manner is a series of cause and consequences, from which there is no coincidence or miracles, just different factors colliding in a precise timing, precise way, that it presents itself to you. With all of your limited knowledge or senses, you have no perfect information on how things came to be. You might think that things that happen to you is something that you earn, gain, deny, or fight for. But, they are truthfully never once be in "your control". Because, what you perceive you control is also a byproduct of causes and consequences that becomes causes and consequences that leads to where you are.
With that said, when I say that I don't believe in free will, I don't mean that human beings don't have freedom of thoughts or feelings or believe (though I also suggest that it's influenced strongly by all these things you have no control over) but I don't believe that things happen because you do or don't do something about it. Whatever you do, or don't, it does not matter. Things that will happen, happen. For you, for every single entity in the universe. That's not on you.
But, what you think, what you feel, or how you create meanings of this world--that's still on you. You are greatly influenced by everything in the world that already precedes your existence, and surrounds your existence for the rest of your life--to which none of them you have control over--but you still, have the capability to think, feel, create meanings for or against it, possibly in ways that are just unique to you.
Does that make sense?
Why do I even subscribe to this idea?
I think it makes sense logically and physically that the universe is just the way it is. But spiritually, it also brings me comfort that the way things happen are supposed to happen, and that I am helpless to it outside of the way I perceive it. The way I perceive things might of course, as mentioned, influenced by how I am raised, where I live, whom I meet, all different random scenarios in the world that I have no control over but still contribute to the way I am.
It also probably helps that I was introduced to Islam as religion before I come to learn about the concept of determinism itself. I did have my doubts since it SEEMS like being omniscient and gracious is a bit of an oxymoron in a world that is full of evil and injustice. But I think believing that there is an higher being out there, who purposefully created this world and loves me, in a way God loves its creations, that kinda brings peace for me. I don't know how God loves its creations, of course. But, however it is, isn't it nice that I am loved, and that there is purpose for me (and all of its creations) and that we will fulfill that purpose, and that the universe is just that stage? We just need to play our part. Nothing that I do matters because, well, the world is already decided and built and it just seems that there are "choices" and "events" because we experience it linearly.
The history of all humankind--no, the whole universe, might already start and ended. We are just a being created to experience things within this concept of time, so we thought that there are "possibilities" when there is only existence. It just exist.
It oddly gives me a feeling of... ironically, freedom. I don't "matter". Nothing "matters". I just need to live and serves the purpose that have been given to me. Only God knows what that is.
But this whole idea seems like a good thing to me.
Then what is the point of punishment? Are there even moral responsibility? Can anyone truly be "evil" since everything is determined?
I think what needs to be highlighted here is that: value, believe, morals--these are all made up. These are all socially constructed. It does not interfere with the deterministic nature of the physical reality. There are no good or bad except inside the minds of those who thinks.
But does that mean that these values, believes, morals--are all meaningless?
No.
The human ability to perceive and assign meaning, in the world that has none, is a gift that bestowed upon us.
It is a privilege, and it is what makes us human. So it makes sense that what want what we believe is right to be "upheld", and what is evil to be "eradicated", because those are also consequences of having the sensibility of a human being. But that does not erase that the fact of what had happened, is happening, or what will happen is merely the fruit of causes that has little to no control from you. Not because what you believe, nor your values, or what the world believe or values--it is there, it exist, it happens/ed, irregardless of what you make a meaning of it. You might be the part of that thing happening. You might have feelings or thoughts about it. But truly? That does not matter.
You can infer, think, feel, and those are all "made up". You make it up. And that's ok! The fact that we are puppets that perceive reality differently than what is intended for us should not be scary.
In a world that is meaningless, you create your own. Actions you "take" that you think are coming from your "will", is merely an illusion from your ability to assign meaning.
And it might be depressing to some, but I find it beautiful.
Then what's the point of trying? How is it fair that we are punished or rewarded when things are "just the way it is"?
This is where I find that it's really convenient to believe in something else, in addition to this thing that I believe in. Hahaha. But before that, you might notice something.
From earlier passage you can also infer that I also don't believe in inherent meaning of the world and isn't that contradictory to which I mentioned that believe on being created purposefully by God? That inconsistencies should be a hole to argument, no?
Hehe. I don't think so. This is perhaps where I demonstrate the meta.
What I believe is the actual state of the universe is that: it is deterministic, and it is inherently meaningless.
What I believe makes life worth it: is that you make your own meaning.
The meaning that I give to it: is that actually, things are determined by a higher being, who loves and cares about me, and that whilst the physical reality does not care about what is going on inside my heart and my head, there is an entity that does.
With that said, I am open to the possibility that I can be wrong, about God. And that's fine! That's faith. It is the idea that's around and I subscribe to it because I can. Who knows if the physical reality is inherently deterministic? Who can prove that "free will" exist? Why should our ability to think defines our humanity? There is no definite answers to philosophical questions, your believe about the universe is a collection of your experience and thoughts and perhaps also those who come before you, and I am here making dots for the picture that makes sense to me, and for it to make sense to me, God must exist. So I believe in God. As simple as that.
(Though perhaps it is not just a matter that it make sense to me, but also how it brings me comfort and peace, but semantics lol)
I am not saying that we shouldn't care about rules or justice or whatever other values we upheld as modern society just because things "are the way it is". It does matter how things came to be, for us, because we are not omniscient, and it should be our duty to ourselves--something that we owe to ourselves--that we strive for the things that we value: that we deemed are good for us. As a person, as a part of community, as a part of ecosystem.
We don't know what will happen because we are such limited creature, with limited wisdom and limited ways to experience the world; limited sense and limited time. When we never know an outcome for certain, then what should be done? Shouldn't we see it to ourselves? Do the best we can in the world? What is success and failure, if not a condition we assign meaning to, when in grand scheme of things, it breeds a new reality that might be better or worse for us? We don't "know" anything. Yet we know that it is only because of certain cause that certain consequences can happen. Shouldn't we increase our chances of getting the "reality" that we want, by investing in the causes that we know and can act on?
Not because it would be physical guarantee for that reality to happen. But for the benefit of ourselves, since we know that we wouldn't be there if we don't try. We don't know if our "effort" are gonna pay off or not, but we do know if we do something about it or not.
So TLDR, yes, I think there is merit in trying. Because I feel like "trying" is really just what life is about. Not for the sake of anything tangible, but your own thoughts and feeling.
So perhaps when you die your would dissolve to nothingness, just like how things are intended. I would like to believe that the part that is not physical about us is sent for judgement, and then instead of looking at you through the worldly achievements that you manage to get, you would be seen through the sincerity of your efforts, your intention, your grit and consideration, and many invisible things that might or might not have anything to do with how live works, but it's what makes you YOU. On the inside.
I think there are a lot of different things that Islam counts as good deeds or bad, and a lot of them requires you to do something. But I like that this religion allows me to believe that sometimes I wouldn't be able to do good things that I want to do, and that's ok. Apparently, my intent and my effort counts too. That's cool.
Closing
So I think when I run through my brain on what I believe, this is what I got. I think, there might be school of thoughts that encapsulate some of the ideas that I mention, and the labels that I use here instead is not accurate. Maybe one reads this and thinks "that's not determinism" or "that's not what free will is" or "I don't think Islam works like that" or "This is more nihilistic than anything else". Not sure. I am open that I am "wrong"--that the definition of the things I shared here is interpreted differently than what is intended. That's fair. But I think my goal here is to explain what is it that I believe, rather than explaining what a certain concept or a believe is.
And that is all!
Cheers!
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