This Year's Life Update

So I've graduated from college. Whew. Feels very fast.

I still wonder why I'm still alive, not unlike before I went to college, but I certainly have different stance on that (although I still agree that I'm still living a nice life. The rest... hm). 

I don't really do anything to fill my unemployment, I guess. I want to go to school again, but we'll see what world has in store for me. But basically I don't have much thing to do, so I decided to start a comic. It's called... I haven't come up with a good title yet, but it's basically about two high school girls and their pretty random adventures (or conversations. Mostly conversations). It also consists of mostly two panels and never more than three... because apparently I'm that bad at coming up with an actual story to make more panels. I'm having a hard time making a fixed schedule for them though. And I'm learning sign language now. I like learning sign language. Sign language is fun! I like it. I'm waiting for that time when I become so good that sleep talk with sign language.

She didn't.

I pick up inline skating again too. It really has been a while: I dropped it when I started high school, and I was pretty good and fearless back then--something that I really think I need if I want to advance. I'm thinking of mastering some tricks... but after I have a proper training place where I won't end up that badly hurt or died painfully.

Oh yeah. I made a FYP about my favorite show, maybe I'll have it covered in another post. But I wasn't really expecting a really good reception from my lecturers--it was mainly a work of love (I admit I was trying to be as rigorous as I can on the theory and findings) and it's not that I expect to actually be praised for it. I was trying to just "passed" with that. It turned out better, I suppose. I'd have to give the credit to my lecturer being too kind. And, the crazy ass thing is that I managed to have the abridge version of my paper to be AUTOGRAPHED by the fandom theory guru whose concept was the core concept of my argument (before it was revised... BUT STILL). His works are one of the most influential reference for my writings and I actually got him to sign it for me. I don't even dare to dream that it could actually happen but it just did whatever the odds he was here in Indonesia after I finished this freaking paper and willingly signed it... it's still pretty unbelievable to me.

It was incredible and I also managed to have a group-selfie with him.

Hmm... so yeah, that's basically the gist of it. 

I think I have to be more ambitious for what I want to do in the near future, but I don't think ambitiousness is running in my blood. Oh well. 

"You are worth so much more than your productivity."

- Anti-capitalist Love Notes

p.s. We're still in capitalistic society, so.

p.p.s for more of my comics, go here. I purposely made an account in that certain platform for it because I think it fits the medium (and I want to keep up with the trend................ who am I kidding)

Happy Pessimist

I like myself a lot.

This, doesn't change. For all my life I know I like myself a lot. I love pampering myself, make myself happy, make myself content. There are some things in me that changed though. Like... the way I see things and the way I think about things. Because I know more stuffs now. I learn more stuffs. I see more stuffs. And with that, I changed. I don't think it changes the important stuffs though. It never changes who I really am, I think. If anything, now that I know better, I understand myself better too, and recognize myself better too. There are things that instead of changing, I think it's more like I'm revealing myself. I discover myself. At least what have came to light until now, that is. But nevertheless, yeah.

Anyway.

I thought I was an optimist. I thought I am. Maybe I was. But now that I think about it, that was because I've always associated happiness with optimism, where I was a happy pessimist all along. I thought I was happy because I always see the best of things.

But I didn't.

It was never because I always see the good things; it was because I've never failed to see the worse and embraced it. It came very naturally for me to see failure until I become comfortable with the idea, how I think being dead comforts me when I live a relatively good life, how horrible societies are when people around me are nothing but lovely and wonderful. Counting my lucky stars up there, preparing myself when everything around me crumbles. But it never really stop me from being happy, you know?

If there's any subject that I mention hundreds of times in my blog, it's gotta be about happiness (and goodness, which I've to give more thought because now I think I understand why I'm so confused about the notion). Why? Most likely because that's one subject that I feel close to. Can relate to. Like I have sufficient 'knowledge' of.

And I like it.
I like being happy.

I guess it makes sense, maybe it's exactly because I've always see things in a very pessimistic point of view that everything I get become something that I can be grateful for, things that I can be happy about.    Silver linings become obvious to me, because my clouds are so freaking dark. But I think it's more of the fact that I like being happy, and I want to be happy, so despite everything I make everything become things I can be happy about.

But then again, I have every reason in the world to be happy. I'm loved by my parents and sister, born as a majority, financially stable, have proper education and funny and nice friends, also born in the era where live is easier than it was 10 years before then, etc etc. So of course I am. I should. Right?

I really don't know what is wrong with me.

When I die (old draft)

"When I died, will I be missed?"

It crossed my mind some time ago. Don't get me wrong, I think about death a lot. You don't need a sucky life to think about death. You don't need to be depressed or stressed or feel unloved or bullied to think about death. Simply because everyone dies--whatever they do or think or feel. So in my defense, I think it's perfectly normal for a mortal being that I am, to think about death in daily basis.

Yeah, back to that. Will I be missed? I thought that I want people to miss me.. to feel like my presence is important. To feel like it's a shame for them not having me around anymore. I thought.

But now that I think about it, I think the fact that I might be missed is a burden. It makes me... I don't know. It burdens me.

I don't really mind dying. Well... even if I do it'll happen anyway so why bother, right? But other than that, I just don't think of me dying is a big deal. Leaving whatever is behind me or what awaits... I don't really mind--I don't really care. Not because I'm sure of whatever I'll face after death, also not because I don't like what I have in life and not because I don't have a dream.

I just don't mind.

Mortals die.

So it doesn't really matter really.




But when I thought that I'll be missed, that people I love would be sad...
It makes it hard for me to not mind anymore.

I don't want people I love to be sad. I know what it feels like to be left behind and it's really sad.
I don't want people I love to be sad like I have--even more if it's because of me.
But more than anything, it burdens me--not being able to not mind anymore.

In the end, I'll die. Just like any other mortal creatures.
At that time, I'd probably don't really mind. So please don't make me feel otherwise.




Then again, I can't blame anyone if they miss me sometimes. So it's okay, miss me. But don't miss me too much because when you miss someone too much you're bound to be sad. I just don't want my death makes people I love sad.

(I don't want my death makes people happy either--that sounds really bad.)


p.s. Written originally some time in early 2014

Pest Control

I saw a pest control.. truck? Van? I'm not sure. It's one that says something about getting rid of pests. Yeah. That, I saw that when I was on the way to the airport.

If one think that it's ok to kill and selectively (completely?) annihilated a group of bugs because most of them are considered as the cause instability or chaos or ruining what's around them (according to one particular species who thinks they're smart enough to decide what's bad or good) I think it's very understandable that there'll come a time when a pack of creatures from outer space trying to annihilate human beings from the earth. 

I don't know.

Maybe some rats are just there to enjoy the life, you know? Ponder about great things they can do to make the world better, help other rats to achieve whatever achievement considered by their kind, care about their young ones, coexist with other fellow pest. Maybe they're trapped in a system where they have no choice but to live as what people considered as pest, because that's what are expected from them by their kind--thinking that it's their nature to make people suffer. Maybe there are some of them who actually bad, but the rest are silent majority that live their life without being considered as different than the bad ones. 

But of course not. 

They're rats. 

Rats don't have life. Right? So it's ok to think that we can kill them. Or wanting them to die. 

So does cockroach. Or moths. Or other creatures that are considered as pest. Whatever. They deserve to be get rid of. They aren't nearly as smart or resourceful as some other creatures, what's the point of keeping them around? They're only there to damage what's around them. Losing them wouldn't be a big deal.

(If the aliens are coming, I called it. But I think there's a greater possibility that they actually believe that human being will annihilate themselves without them having to send trucks, so.) 

Not-Yet-Asleep Post #1

Oh dear.

It's just the first half of the year and I already missed 2 months, without updating this blog.

The thing was, I actually have things I want to say. I have things I worry about. Things that are on my mind and probably good things to put into words. But I didn't.

I was lazy. Other times I was tired. The other times I wasn't in the mood anymore. Okay.

So this is like, a few days counting to my thesis defense. I was worried and scared and all that, but being worried, scared, and whatever else don't last really long when you are the kind of person who constantly remind yourself that those sort of things don't matter and you don't matter and nothing actually matters in the end. It bugged me for a day or two (like, haunting me in my sleep), guess it doesn't anymore, but we'll see (I don't really understand how being a "Being" actually works, you know; with you living in a body that you can't even figure out, thoughts that you can't really control, and emotions that are hard to decipher--each trying to make sense each other and failed most of the time).

The other thing is that despite me not very motivated on living, I actually think about possibilities of living, you know. But apparently, possibilities of living that I should think of are possibilities of living in normal (how do you even define that), middle class, achievement-education-worthy (I don't get this one either) scenarios. Should I contemplate living in a space ship? No. Become a butcher? No. Having a giant mutant dog as life companion? No. (Well, at least me wanting to raise non-mutant animals is ok, but still). Apparently, those thoughts are trash. And me saying that out loud: that's trash talk. I'm sorry, everyone whom I talked these things to: I didn't mean for you guys to be a dumpster, really. (I made this blog to be sort-of one, I'll try stick to it)

Also, lately I'm having a bad time trying to sleep. "Trying" to sleep has always been hard for me, as long as I can remember, but it's worst recently. Hoping that it'll be better today, but God usually laughs at things we're hoping for or thought of. We're funny that way, I guess. We just don't know better. I mean, yeah. I'm writing at the moment because I have trouble sleeping, to realize that not only that I missed January, I also missed June.

It's not just this. My dream journal has long since being updated. I actually have pretty vivid and interesting dreams this past months (it gets harder to recall as days past) but yeah. I was lazy. Other times I was tired. The other times I wasn't in the mood anymore. Same old, same old.

Ah.
Another thing.

Having almost ending college, the talks that come up are plans and dreams. Talks about next steps. About the future. I'm really bad at talking about the future. Maybe I'm just not that kind of person.

I just want things to end soon, you know?