Urges

I want to confess.

I don't know if it's weird or maybe not as weird as I think it is, but I realize this just recently and I think it's maybe weird but I don't know.

So yeah. There are things that I know I want to do, and they are not necessarily bad, but I don't do them. Because those are things I want to do to others. Because they are others, and not me, I always wondered if it's ok for me to do... stuffs to them.

Nothing weird, really. Most of the time I just want to touch them.
Ok it does kinda sound really weird. (Or not?? Maybe not?? I think not really but Idk I said weird a lot in just a few sentences)

I want to do that a lot. And I think I can do that. I really can.

But I didn't.

Because it would require me to, say, touch them, and they might not like it.

It's not always complicated; I asked if I can touch them, sometimes. I touched some of them, sometimes. I let them know that they are soft and tender, sometimes.

But most of the time,
I just didn't.





Now.

I just realized how natural it is for me to think that I can't do things to people (or other things) just because I want to. Things I didn't do because I know it is not all on me.

I want to think that it's because I have a plenty good self-control. (Maybe I really do)

But I wonder if the things that I want to do--and I decide to not do in the end--speaks louder than the fact that I am able to stop myself from doing it.





Does it really matter what the urges are, as long as I am able to control myself?
Or is the reason I need to control myself in the first place supposed to be something that I have to wonder about? Or fix, even?


For example.

If I want to kill people,
is it fine as long as I don't actually kill them,
or the very fact that I want to kill people is a thought I have to get rid of?


It's really confusing.

Lazy

Oh no. I missed 2 months.

Oh well.

I guess it's just because I am lazy.

Anyway, talking about my laziness, a lot of people don't really believe me when I said that I am lazy. Most likely because I have done things and am still doing things.

This is something that I realized recently, I suppose. I can just do things without wanting to do things. I don't have to have the will to do stuffs to do stuffs. I am lazy, but I am doing it anyway. Most of the time it's because it will be more troublesome if I don't do the things I think I should do. But other times, it's just because I can.

I think this is common, no? I mean, how many people are doing the things they are doing at the moment as they want? Only a handful of lucky people are able to do things they want and want things they do. Most are just doing things that they thing they should do. And able to do. And then there they are.

Exist. Live. Somewhat.

My case is that I am lazy. While I enjoy things that I do (yes, even taking a bath or working) I am lazy! I'd rather not do things. But I have to, because I am alive. Maintaining life is full of effort. I have to eat, to eat I have to earn food, to earn food I have to follow whatever system this society come up with. And this society come up with a lot of things. Things that I don't even care sometimes. But I cannot not care at most times, because I live in society and they have mold the place I lived in to something with rules that I have to follow.

Granted, I find many fun things by living. And I am capable of being happy.

So I guess living is not so bad.
(Though I guess I would be totally fine by not living anymore)




So if this means that I merely exist, I guess that's fine.
If this means that I'm dying inside, that's fine too.

I spent a lot of years finding meaning of living. I find that it can be anything that I come up with. (Maybe it's too early to say that. Maybe I have yet live enough.)

And I find that maybe to just exist is not so bad.



I don't understand if this is the sort of things human came up with to console themselves, make themselves feel better, or justify their sad life--but I understand now.

Nothing is really matter. Nothing.

You make things matter. Granted, people kinda help you make things matter to you.

But that's just it. It's all on you.




(And I guess that ability to perceive is probably the most wonderful thing that a creature can be given to)

My Aim in Life

If there is anything I aim to be, I think it is to not be a bother.

I think I will settle with minding my own business and my loved ones, and keeping myself from ruining other people's.

I don't think I want to become a meaningful existence for a lot of people. Meaningful for enough people (people that matters to me) is ok. I don't even think I am trying to be a useful human being. As long as I am not a burden, it's great.

I generally aim low because I am lazy. But it's hard to be lazy and good at the same time. When you live with people, sometimes silence and impassiveness translated to evil. I chose to not do anything remotely remarkable because I am lazy, but some people suffer because I don't do anything. Because I don't stand with them, because I don't speak up. Because I don't help. Not helping means you're evil, sometimes. Even when you're not the cause.

So I just want to live without causing problems.
But even trying to live with just that, one requires to act and speak up.

And I am lazy.

Ok.

So I try not to be too lazy. Somewhat.



p.s. I feel bad for people who think they don't need to learn because they have faith. Isn't it ironic if you have faith that requires you to learn, but you don't because you 'believe'? If God don't want you to think, It won't give you the capacity to.

I Thought I Have

"Moving on, for me, is not about stop loving, or missing, or remembering things that are nice or bad. Moving on is knowing things changed and being fine with it." - Moving On

So it turns out that I am not fine yet.

I (Most Likely) Won't Get Refunds

Hi!

Lately, I haven't been able to contemplate on things much.

Actually, there are things that bugs me sometimes, but as I have more distractions now and less time for myself, it's too easy to shrug it off for one moment until it bugs me again. I find it generally easy to ignore things that bugs me, or thoughts unresolved, so I guess it's the routine? On the other hand, I find it harder to finish a book, which why I suspect that I might have gone stupid bit by bit. I don't know.

Anyway, I realize today that I might value money more than I thought I'm supposed to. This is a little inconsistent with the whole idea I hold (which consists of different fragments that I always tried to connect with each other) so 1) I'm might not being entirely truthful to myself, and there's a value that I know is there but not yet acknowledge or 2) It's not that I reject the idea, I just haven't got a hold of it so I haven't been addressing it clearly or 3) I just haven't been consistent with the whole idea I hold and need to work on that.

Because you see, I used to like money a lot. Like, a lot! I mean, I still like them now, but they hold less meaning than they used to be. I remember the times when the achievements I got was because I was driven to get the prize money. I remember when I thought marriage seemed nice because of the financial security. I haven't gone so far to think that money was everything, but money was pretty damn important. Then, and I guess now too... albeit more sensible now, I guess. For a person who lives in the moment, I think I'm plenty cheap.

I do have pride in keeping myself entertained and happy even with limited resources though. I think it's one of my good points.

Hm, but it's hard to be out of the system with little power or resources, so I guess that I'm just trying to get some just in case I live long enough to want to be out of the system. I hope not.