Hi!
Lately, I haven't been able to contemplate on things much.
Actually, there are things that bugs me sometimes, but as I have more distractions now and less time for myself, it's too easy to shrug it off for one moment until it bugs me again. I find it generally easy to ignore things that bugs me, or thoughts unresolved, so I guess it's the routine? On the other hand, I find it harder to finish a book, which why I suspect that I might have gone stupid bit by bit. I don't know.
Anyway, I realize today that I might value money more than I thought I'm supposed to. This is a little inconsistent with the whole idea I hold (which consists of different fragments that I always tried to connect with each other) so 1) I'm might not being entirely truthful to myself, and there's a value that I know is there but not yet acknowledge or 2) It's not that I reject the idea, I just haven't got a hold of it so I haven't been addressing it clearly or 3) I just haven't been consistent with the whole idea I hold and need to work on that.
Because you see, I used to like money a lot. Like, a lot! I mean, I still like them now, but they hold less meaning than they used to be. I remember the times when the achievements I got was because I was driven to get the prize money. I remember when I thought marriage seemed nice because of the financial security. I haven't gone so far to think that money was everything, but money was pretty damn important. Then, and I guess now too... albeit more sensible now, I guess. For a person who lives in the moment, I think I'm plenty cheap.
I do have pride in keeping myself entertained and happy even with limited resources though. I think it's one of my good points.
Hm, but it's hard to be out of the system with little power or resources, so I guess that I'm just trying to get some just in case I live long enough to want to be out of the system. I hope not.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Saturday, December 26, 2015
December and Things I Get Used to
A little life update:
I tried to exercise regularly in recent weeks, but the longest attempt was 5 days cuz I realized then that my supposedly-healed sprained ankle probably won't ever function like it used to anymore. Tried to do other exercises, but the next longest attempt was 2 days. It's not that I'm being hard to myself either: my goal was to exercise 3 minutes a day (yes three freaking minutes, because when I tried exercising for 6 minutes I was tired and it felt so long I settle with 3) and I couldn't even commit to that 3 minutes for more than two days, which shows how I put my will power into exercising.
I'm entering the new year with a long list of toys I want to buy and other handsome purchase of books and plenty games that suddenly come into my life (I've had my head start buying this stuffs)
Other notes:
A lot of things changed. A lot of things around me have changed. Some of them are pretty obvious and strikes you as you see it: like a decent restaurant you frequently went to in the past that has closed for good, or the price of comic books that has changed drastically compared to when you first buy it (yeah. It always shocks me every time), or renovations in your high school school.
Some are not really obvious, like the population of cats that has changed around your neighborhood, or the books unread that already piled up the time you notice.
But more than that, I'm taken aback on how I get used to see things.
Like how I see cars moving without being weirded by it. A piece of colorful big metal moving here and there, without seeing that it's driven by a person inside it. It might as well moved by itself and I didn't think I would find it weird, seeing it moving around places so often. Or how I get used to typing things rather than writing it on a paper. I used to waste tons of paper for notes, mostly for the doodles in between. I'm glad I'm more environmental friendly now, but I can't really point where I really get used to note things down on my laptop or handphone.
I get used to a lot of things now. I get used to not running around the house when I got excited anymore. I get used to having my cat died. I get used to buy things on my own. I get used to the fact that a lot of things changed. I guess that's natural, to get used to things. If one constantly... happy or sad or amazed or surprised to the same thing over and over, I think they'd be crazy. Or dead.
One's ability to adapt is really amazing. I wonder if adapt well.
I tried to exercise regularly in recent weeks, but the longest attempt was 5 days cuz I realized then that my supposedly-healed sprained ankle probably won't ever function like it used to anymore. Tried to do other exercises, but the next longest attempt was 2 days. It's not that I'm being hard to myself either: my goal was to exercise 3 minutes a day (yes three freaking minutes, because when I tried exercising for 6 minutes I was tired and it felt so long I settle with 3) and I couldn't even commit to that 3 minutes for more than two days, which shows how I put my will power into exercising.
I'm entering the new year with a long list of toys I want to buy and other handsome purchase of books and plenty games that suddenly come into my life (I've had my head start buying this stuffs)
Other notes:
A lot of things changed. A lot of things around me have changed. Some of them are pretty obvious and strikes you as you see it: like a decent restaurant you frequently went to in the past that has closed for good, or the price of comic books that has changed drastically compared to when you first buy it (yeah. It always shocks me every time), or renovations in your high school school.
Some are not really obvious, like the population of cats that has changed around your neighborhood, or the books unread that already piled up the time you notice.
But more than that, I'm taken aback on how I get used to see things.
Like how I see cars moving without being weirded by it. A piece of colorful big metal moving here and there, without seeing that it's driven by a person inside it. It might as well moved by itself and I didn't think I would find it weird, seeing it moving around places so often. Or how I get used to typing things rather than writing it on a paper. I used to waste tons of paper for notes, mostly for the doodles in between. I'm glad I'm more environmental friendly now, but I can't really point where I really get used to note things down on my laptop or handphone.
I get used to a lot of things now. I get used to not running around the house when I got excited anymore. I get used to having my cat died. I get used to buy things on my own. I get used to the fact that a lot of things changed. I guess that's natural, to get used to things. If one constantly... happy or sad or amazed or surprised to the same thing over and over, I think they'd be crazy. Or dead.
One's ability to adapt is really amazing. I wonder if adapt well.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Weird
I come to question my humanity when my parents started to ask me to be normal.
Seriously? I've never really considered myself as weird until my parents told me that. Even when my friends says I'm weird... I was a little taken a back, because... 'Really? I'm weird?' because I honestly, guilelessly, didn't think I was. But since my parents said that, I then accepted the fact that maybe I am pretty weird.
But even then I don't really know why I'm weird. And it's unsettling because I accept the label but don't really comprehend why. It's just arguing that I'm not weird is confusing for me to handle, and when everyone seemed to think so but you, you would start to ask if they're right and that maybe you just don't realize it because you're you (Or because you're weird? Maybe).
So once in a while, I would wonder about what does it mean to be normal anyway?
What does it even mean to be human?
Because lately, instead of being 'weird', it's more like I'm less and less of a human. Or probably my definition of 'human'. Maybe because I don't like them that I tried to be less them. Or less them in my eye. But it's not like I value myself highly anyway. I don't know. Being not being is very confusing for me. Maybe it's just all in my head. In my mind.
And human mind is a very scary place.
I wonder if I'm less of a human would it be less scary.
Seriously? I've never really considered myself as weird until my parents told me that. Even when my friends says I'm weird... I was a little taken a back, because... 'Really? I'm weird?' because I honestly, guilelessly, didn't think I was. But since my parents said that, I then accepted the fact that maybe I am pretty weird.
But even then I don't really know why I'm weird. And it's unsettling because I accept the label but don't really comprehend why. It's just arguing that I'm not weird is confusing for me to handle, and when everyone seemed to think so but you, you would start to ask if they're right and that maybe you just don't realize it because you're you (Or because you're weird? Maybe).
So once in a while, I would wonder about what does it mean to be normal anyway?
What does it even mean to be human?
Because lately, instead of being 'weird', it's more like I'm less and less of a human. Or probably my definition of 'human'. Maybe because I don't like them that I tried to be less them. Or less them in my eye. But it's not like I value myself highly anyway. I don't know. Being not being is very confusing for me. Maybe it's just all in my head. In my mind.
And human mind is a very scary place.
I wonder if I'm less of a human would it be less scary.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
This Year's Life Update
So I've graduated from college. Whew. Feels very fast.
I still wonder why I'm still alive, not unlike before I went to college, but I certainly have different stance on that (although I still agree that I'm still living a nice life. The rest... hm).
I don't really do anything to fill my unemployment, I guess. I want to go to school again, but we'll see what world has in store for me. But basically I don't have much thing to do, so I decided to start a comic. It's called... I haven't come up with a good title yet, but it's basically about two high school girls and their pretty random adventures (or conversations. Mostly conversations). It also consists of mostly two panels and never more than three... because apparently I'm that bad at coming up with an actual story to make more panels. I'm having a hard time making a fixed schedule for them though. And I'm learning sign language now. I like learning sign language. Sign language is fun! I like it. I'm waiting for that time when I become so good that sleep talk with sign language.
She didn't.
I pick up inline skating again too. It really has been a while: I dropped it when I started high school, and I was pretty good and fearless back then--something that I really think I need if I want to advance. I'm thinking of mastering some tricks... but after I have a proper training place where I won't end up that badly hurt or died painfully.
Oh yeah. I made a FYP about my favorite show, maybe I'll have it covered in another post. But I wasn't really expecting a really good reception from my lecturers--it was mainly a work of love (I admit I was trying to be as rigorous as I can on the theory and findings) and it's not that I expect to actually be praised for it. I was trying to just "passed" with that. It turned out better, I suppose. I'd have to give the credit to my lecturer being too kind. And, the crazy ass thing is that I managed to have the abridge version of my paper to be AUTOGRAPHED by the fandom theory guru whose concept was the core concept of my argument (before it was revised... BUT STILL). His works are one of the most influential reference for my writings and I actually got him to sign it for me. I don't even dare to dream that it could actually happen but it just did whatever the odds he was here in Indonesia after I finished this freaking paper and willingly signed it... it's still pretty unbelievable to me.
It was incredible and I also managed to have a group-selfie with him.
Hmm... so yeah, that's basically the gist of it.
I think I have to be more ambitious for what I want to do in the near future, but I don't think ambitiousness is running in my blood. Oh well.
"You are worth so much more than your productivity."
- Anti-capitalist Love Notes
p.s. We're still in capitalistic society, so.
p.p.s for more of my comics, go here. I purposely made an account in that certain platform for it because I think it fits the medium (and I want to keep up with the trend................ who am I kidding)
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Happy Pessimist
I like myself a lot.
This, doesn't change. For all my life I know I like myself a lot. I love pampering myself, make myself happy, make myself content. There are some things in me that changed though. Like... the way I see things and the way I think about things. Because I know more stuffs now. I learn more stuffs. I see more stuffs. And with that, I changed. I don't think it changes the important stuffs though. It never changes who I really am, I think. If anything, now that I know better, I understand myself better too, and recognize myself better too. There are things that instead of changing, I think it's more like I'm revealing myself. I discover myself. At least what have came to light until now, that is. But nevertheless, yeah.
Anyway.
I thought I was an optimist. I thought I am. Maybe I was. But now that I think about it, that was because I've always associated happiness with optimism, where I was a happy pessimist all along. I thought I was happy because I always see the best of things.
But I didn't.
It was never because I always see the good things; it was because I've never failed to see the worse and embraced it. It came very naturally for me to see failure until I become comfortable with the idea, how I think being dead comforts me when I live a relatively good life, how horrible societies are when people around me are nothing but lovely and wonderful. Counting my lucky stars up there, preparing myself when everything around me crumbles. But it never really stop me from being happy, you know?
If there's any subject that I mention hundreds of times in my blog, it's gotta be about happiness (and goodness, which I've to give more thought because now I think I understand why I'm so confused about the notion). Why? Most likely because that's one subject that I feel close to. Can relate to. Like I have sufficient 'knowledge' of.
And I like it.
I like being happy.
I guess it makes sense, maybe it's exactly because I've always see things in a very pessimistic point of view that everything I get become something that I can be grateful for, things that I can be happy about. Silver linings become obvious to me, because my clouds are so freaking dark. But I think it's more of the fact that I like being happy, and I want to be happy, so despite everything I make everything become things I can be happy about.
But then again, I have every reason in the world to be happy. I'm loved by my parents and sister, born as a majority, financially stable, have proper education and funny and nice friends, also born in the era where live is easier than it was 10 years before then, etc etc. So of course I am. I should. Right?
I really don't know what is wrong with me.
This, doesn't change. For all my life I know I like myself a lot. I love pampering myself, make myself happy, make myself content. There are some things in me that changed though. Like... the way I see things and the way I think about things. Because I know more stuffs now. I learn more stuffs. I see more stuffs. And with that, I changed. I don't think it changes the important stuffs though. It never changes who I really am, I think. If anything, now that I know better, I understand myself better too, and recognize myself better too. There are things that instead of changing, I think it's more like I'm revealing myself. I discover myself. At least what have came to light until now, that is. But nevertheless, yeah.
Anyway.
I thought I was an optimist. I thought I am. Maybe I was. But now that I think about it, that was because I've always associated happiness with optimism, where I was a happy pessimist all along. I thought I was happy because I always see the best of things.
But I didn't.
It was never because I always see the good things; it was because I've never failed to see the worse and embraced it. It came very naturally for me to see failure until I become comfortable with the idea, how I think being dead comforts me when I live a relatively good life, how horrible societies are when people around me are nothing but lovely and wonderful. Counting my lucky stars up there, preparing myself when everything around me crumbles. But it never really stop me from being happy, you know?
If there's any subject that I mention hundreds of times in my blog, it's gotta be about happiness (and goodness, which I've to give more thought because now I think I understand why I'm so confused about the notion). Why? Most likely because that's one subject that I feel close to. Can relate to. Like I have sufficient 'knowledge' of.
And I like it.
I like being happy.
I guess it makes sense, maybe it's exactly because I've always see things in a very pessimistic point of view that everything I get become something that I can be grateful for, things that I can be happy about. Silver linings become obvious to me, because my clouds are so freaking dark. But I think it's more of the fact that I like being happy, and I want to be happy, so despite everything I make everything become things I can be happy about.
But then again, I have every reason in the world to be happy. I'm loved by my parents and sister, born as a majority, financially stable, have proper education and funny and nice friends, also born in the era where live is easier than it was 10 years before then, etc etc. So of course I am. I should. Right?
I really don't know what is wrong with me.
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