Sometimes you just miss them

At one point I remember your presence

Offering comfort when I am tired

Or relaxed

Or angry

Or sad

I remember that I will come home not to you, but to others like you.



But I miss you. For me you are special.

So even when I am out there, thinking of where I will lay my head to sleep. Or to read things. Or to
play games. Or to cry myself out.

And remember that it will not be you, but others like you,

I will wonder what makes you special.

If it's just time that imprint your presence in me, or that it was the comfort that I find in you.


Then again,

If it's just time, it is just a matter of how long I will come to get used to others like you,

or if it's the comfort, then there are probably thousand others that will be able to offer me the same thing.

(Sometimes I asked myself if I refuse to believe that anything is just special because they are.)

So you are 'replaceable'.



But.

It remains that I miss you and you are special to me.

(It also remains that I will still sleep and find comfort in other beds.)

(Probably not as good as you. For me you are the best)




I miss you, bed.
(And my pillows and huggies back home. All 8 of them)
(You guys are the squishiest)

Coral Adventure

 

 

 

 

Can you even afford making mistakes when everything you do in life is never about you alone?

 

"To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others."

— Albert Camus

p.s. anti-climatic, like real life

p.p.s yes I use this quote twice.

Heart Breaks and Desires

It never occurred to me that a day will come when I experience heart break.

Three years ago was probably the waking moment. My heart is broken and nothing in the world matters anymore. The funny thing is, even before that--way before that--it has been years that I come to believe that nothing in the world matters.

But I never knew the weight of my believe,
until it happens,
and I then truly understand the feeling of nothing matters anymore.

Anyway!

I know my heart breaks then, but it was obvious. Now I understand that sometimes my heart breaks, and it is not obvious, because I don't really think such things are capable to make my heart broken. But it happens! I'm hurt.

Sometimes they don't even mean it, but I am hurt. Maybe because what it implies. I know that people who are close to you are the ones with most power to hurt you, but I didn't realize how powerful it actually is until recently. I mean, it is not the first time I was hurt or my heart was broken because of them, but I just realized this.

I realized that I love them, and they probably will never understand how much I love them, will never know how much they mean to me, will never know how much I shed tears because of them. They love me too, I know that, but I don't think it's close to what I have for them. Or maybe pretty close. But I still think that they don't love me as much as I do. I know this. I know. I accept this already.

That is why it's really fascinating.

That
even though I love them. So much.
There is one thing
that I will not, ever, compromise to not want.

And nothing will stop me from wanting them and welcome them to my arms.

I have been waiting.
(Not patiently, but I have been waiting for a while now)

And when it knocks on my door, nothing will stop me.
Even if it costs me to hurt the people who are capable of breaking my heart.


And
when I realize how I much I want it.
I come to wonder
if I have already fallen in
(trapped by)
(in love with)
the idea of it.


And if I have.

I wonder what is stopping me from actively chasing it in the first place?

On Making Friends

"Have you made friends?"

I got this question a lot. I do want to have friends, but now it kinds of make me wonder about friendship--something that I am not very sure about since the question pops up from time to time:

Is making friends suppose to be easy?

A lot of people ask me this, and I kind of get the idea why it is important for me to have some. But there is this thing that bugs me because I got the sentiment that I should've make some in certain occasions.

But making friends is hard. I don't even get how or when did you become friends with someone. Every time I went to this event, or join a society, or attend a seminar even--people ask me if I made friends there. Honestly? I don't know. I talked with some people, but does that mean I am friends with them then? How much of social interaction is enough to make me understand that we are friends? All this time, friends are people whom I get to know because we share the same space often (like class or organization) and it was build with time until I gradually get that they don't mind my existence and that I like hanging around them. I think at least there is a conducive environment to interact and common background that we share to be friends with someone.

(Even then I know that these relationships are bound to end, because sometimes there is just no situations where we can interact or we've changed plenty to have anything in common anymore) (But it's ok isn't it if nothing lasts forever why should friendship be an exception)

So yeah. Is common to... be one in a certain amount of time? Because I don't think I am pretty good at that.

What I want to say is that I don't think making friends is easy. Or maybe it's just not easy for me. I want to have friends, it feels good to have friends. But it's not easy... there are a lot of things that entail by being friends. I know that it's ironic because I don't really have certain expectations of friendship as long as it satisfy my social need (one-sided friendship is a thing, no? I embrace it), but I value this notion of friendship, and I hope as I try to be a friend, I managed to do it well.


p.s. One time I talked to my housemate that I am bad with people, and she said "I don't think you're bad with people, we only met yesterday and I think it's like we've known each other for a while." little did she know that it's not me who's good (with people)--she just makes it easy for me to do so.

Feels in London

I think I've always have this problem when I enter a new environment. I find it adorable. I want to get everything fast. Like I want to do everything and the time seems really short. Previously when I was in Singapore, I am too lazy to explore things and ended up doing things I know with people I am comfortable with. I love that too. But I really remember the time when I make myself cry for being confused whether I want to stay at home or like go out and explore cuz that's what I am.

Oh right. For everyone who don't know (and for the old me to remember) I am in London right now. Pursuing my master. I feel inadequate. I am in a rush. I want to be smarter soon. I want know a lot of stuff fast. I want to learn a lot. I want to have friends soon. I want to go to many pretty places too. I know I can't, and I know I'm being childish for not being able to control my mind from wandering, but I find it funny.

Because I know I shouldn't. I know I have all the time in the world. And even if I don't, it's fine cuz I know it doesn't matter to me anyways. I am fully aware of how many are things that actually want to do and how many are things that are there waiting for me to try them--not necessarily the things that I find interesting, but really have no problem trying I suppose. I know I am rushing myself. It is unnecessary and it drains me. I know that already. I am never patient, maybe this is my chance to learn.

I also have this new feelings... Like I suppose that the me rushing thing is also old feeling I just recognize recently so this one might also be the same, and I am unable to like put them in the proper space in my heart and mind. Like how do I calm myself down--this stuffs are probably there waiting for me to give them names for a while and after I saw their faces to embrace them I become confused and disoriented--but not in a bad way, like delighted but how do I manage this things, like suddenly got jump by plenty of puppies kinda thing. I am trying to embrace all of this, and I don't know how. I know I should be calm but I am not.

Thinking what I should've feel and actually feeling it is different--like I have always prepared myself to lose the love of my life (and always cried at the thought) and find myself still crying from time to time. It doesn't matter that I know, I don't even know if I have enough sentience to keep myself calm--emotionally and physically.

Maybe this is also the reason why I want things to just end soon, you know? I am just impatient. Managing life is a chore--a fun chore! But a chore. And I can't wait for it to end. In the mean time--as it seems that it won't end anytime soon, I wanted to be happy. It's not hard to be happy with all these privileges I have all my life, I guess.

So that's my latest life updates.

I am happy and trying to calm myself from all these things that I want to taste.
I want to know a lot of things soon. I want to be good at studying soon.
Whilst counting seconds on when it's going to end.

Yeah. I am probably the jolliest person I know who feels this way.