Urges

I want to confess.

I don't know if it's weird or maybe not as weird as I think it is, but I realize this just recently and I think it's maybe weird but I don't know.

So yeah. There are things that I know I want to do, and they are not necessarily bad, but I don't do them. Because those are things I want to do to others. Because they are others, and not me, I always wondered if it's ok for me to do... stuffs to them.

Nothing weird, really. Most of the time I just want to touch them.
Ok it does kinda sound really weird. (Or not?? Maybe not?? I think not really but Idk I said weird a lot in just a few sentences)

I want to do that a lot. And I think I can do that. I really can.

But I didn't.

Because it would require me to, say, touch them, and they might not like it.

It's not always complicated; I asked if I can touch them, sometimes. I touched some of them, sometimes. I let them know that they are soft and tender, sometimes.

But most of the time,
I just didn't.





Now.

I just realized how natural it is for me to think that I can't do things to people (or other things) just because I want to. Things I didn't do because I know it is not all on me.

I want to think that it's because I have a plenty good self-control. (Maybe I really do)

But I wonder if the things that I want to do--and I decide to not do in the end--speaks louder than the fact that I am able to stop myself from doing it.





Does it really matter what the urges are, as long as I am able to control myself?
Or is the reason I need to control myself in the first place supposed to be something that I have to wonder about? Or fix, even?


For example.

If I want to kill people,
is it fine as long as I don't actually kill them,
or the very fact that I want to kill people is a thought I have to get rid of?


It's really confusing.