So yeah. What now. Mmm I'm not in a really good condition these days, I feel like I lost myself, like, Where the heck is rani?? Who are you and what have you done to her?! that kind of feeling. Or thoughts. I can't tell. Because somehow these days I think I'm a bit out-of-character. Not literally, since I'm still rani and I don't think I had been abducted by aliens in my sleep, but you know. It's rarely happen, losing control of myself. And what I meant by 'rarely' is 'I-don't-remember-it-happened-before'. Even when I'm in PMS, or when people annoy me so, when days betray me and so on. Except when I cried. It's like smiling. I don't know when I'll cry because it's just.. I dunno. Reflex. Without impulses. Really. I like to cry as much as I like to smile. I really do. It keeps me sane. If I said that I'm crying because I'm angry, or I'm laughing because I'm happy, or vice versa, then it's not literally true--I'm not lying, it's partly true but not literally, get it?--Never believe me if my reasons are logic.
But those things are none of your concern, nor anyone, not even me, maybe. Maybe I'm starting to change. Because everyone will change sometime, and maybe it's about time, and I don't mind changing if it makes me happy and good. And maybe I'm not changing at all. Because I may not want to change, and I realize that there are things will change me, and that's why I'm mad. I'm not used to it and don't want to adapt and I keep deny it until I lost and forget when to stop. Maybe. I don't even think it makes sense. Okay I'll stop!
Now what?
Oh yea. When I'm younger, people (my friends) used to write their opinion about me in my note book. Or something. I'll get the same opinions again and again and again for years. I don't know whether it's bad or not. I hope I never pretend to be those things they say about me, unconsciously. Because it feels weird. I don't think that I'm one of those people write about me. So how come they wrote that? There must be something I did, or still do, cause it. And at least I know when I'm pretending and when I'm not. Doing things when you don't realize it is never fun.
Let's get to the next topic. People. I like many people a lot. But I'm not mature enough to sacrifice things for their sake. And not mature enough to care, and not mature enough to.. I don't know. Do things for people you really like. I really like them sincerely. But I think I'm so full of myself I can't do things people do when they like someone. I wonder if I really like them at all... but I'm sure I do! I really do! Honest! Maybe when I grow older, I'll understand what it means to really like someone. I'll be mature enough for not to be egoist--no matter how humane that is--and I'll be good. Maybe. I know things not necessarily solved even when you got older but I'm pretty sure that time is the best doctor (or so I read) I'll see more things and learn more things as time passes and things will change I'm sure I'll understand, the answer will come up then. Whether it's tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, weeks, months, years, decade, or maybe in a minute. Or seconds. The thing is, I'll never know if there's enough time for me to get the answer. And that's what I like the most about life.
And the reason why I'm not that fond of science. Well, some of them. Most of them separate things in two (as far as I concerned) always. True and False, Yes or No, and you can always determined what is wrong and what is right--everything is certain--when you see things with science. They call it logic. They call it rational. But as far as I know, as far as I believe, world never friends with those. You must not think with those if you want to find the most realistic conclusions. I think what people meant by logic was things they are used to watch and feel. Sometimes include things that they can imagine and fantasize to happen. Still. Logic and rationality is one thing that will change from time to time. History proves that. I believe those. Yet people still stick with it. People think, of course. But.. never believe them too much. Thoughts often misleading. Well. Not just thoughts. Senses also often misleading. I may not the wisest person in the world, nor genius, nor extraordinary people so you don't have to agree. I like to think. I like to feel. That's the reason why I was called human. Also the very same reason why God let human live in this earth. Thoughts and senses are the only weapon human use and need to survive in this dirty and cruel reality. But what makes them misleading is how human use them. Or so I think. Well... I think. Huh? Somehow those last lines contradict the point of this paragraph.. And somehow irrelevant in my head. Or not. Blame the grammars.
Did I just typed that? Must be the weather.
Oh. And another thing.
I'm so happy when people think I'm nice. I'm sorry if I'm not that nice.
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