When in Doubt, Stop Thinking.

Hello Microsoft Word. Because of the internet connection that is not very friendly tonight, I decided to pour my heart out to you instead of my blog. You see Word, I’ve always been comfortable with being myself before, but now I’m scared that I might have not walked down in the right path for all this time. Or took the wrong path along the way and didn’t notice. Okay, so. I always think that I’m not the person who... is brave enough to take sides; if it’s not obvious enough from my blog posts. I believe that nothing is pure good and pure bad, hence I never think whether or not things that I’ve done is good or bad in sense; what I’ve always considered from my actions is only whether or not it harms others (or if it’s beneficial for me, but mostly if it harms others or not). If it doesn’t, then it’s okay, right?  Who cares. Does it mean myself any harm? That’s myself to decide and not that I really cared about that. Maybe sometime later, but that’s for me to learn.

And in addition, I’m a person with a religion, Word. Other than things that I do just because I want to and just because ‘it was done by others and why not do so too?’, I have things that I do because it’s an obligation for me as a religious person. And I did. Most of them, I guess. I think I’ve covered most of the important things I can manage but I don’t know. I’m still trying.

Yeah, so about that. Uhm. I have to admit that these past few months, or maybe a year or so, I’m not exactly fulfilling my philosophical needs. I’ve been distracted by a lot of mundane problems and stuffs and I love to be distracted by most of those stuffs. Maybe some of them are more psychologically and physically satisfying and yeah. Yeah. So. In short, life goes on and I continue on being ignorant. Being myself; the self I believe in.

After a lot of conversations with my friends I’ve met recently, I’m starting to wonder if I’m doing okay, continuing like this. By not taking sides, I mean. By thinking that nothing is pure bad and nothing is pure good so by all means I have no right to judge or specifically stating myself to agree on or disagree on things that is not obvious. (Because really; just like I said, what I considered from actions of others and mine is if it harms others or not. Ethics; on the other hand, varies all over the place and changes as time goes and why should I worried about what depends on culture and civilization and thinking-evolution?). It never bothered me before, but then I was reminded (from the said conversations) about the fact that not only I’m an individual with independent and subjective thoughts as part of society, I’m also a slave that ought to obey every single command given. By God; if it’s not obvious already; for I am a religious person.

Now, why is it a problem?

Because you see, in the Holy Book that I believe in, what are bad and good have already been defined. And as a person who believes, of course I have to—you know. Believe. (Duh) And by believing what are good and bad, that means I have to avoid or fight the bad and do the good, right? Right—that was explicitly stated; in fact. And ideally, we do. I do. And it’s not hard; because well, what are stated as bad and good are obvious enough; applicable to avoid or do; and mostly gives direct feedbacks. (And it also goes with what I believe in as good and bad in sense of harmful or beneficial and something like that)

But then again; when it comes to something that is abstract; means it’s regarding feelings or thoughts of people and not their actions; I find it... hard to.. ugh. Hard to think or believe it comprehensively that it’s wrong. ...Okay, that doesn’t come out right.

Stating it frankly: obviously, when I believe that my religion is true, automatically I believe that other religions are wrong, right? Yeah. Yeah, of course.  I know that even though MAYBE (then again not-so maybe) deep down it’s true and all; I couldn’t careless! I don’t really mind if people are Islam or Catholic or Jewish or atheist or whatever! I just, I, can’t bring myself to contradict those that aren’t said as true, I feel like I don’t have the right. I feel like... it's not my business? I feel like I don't have to pay any heed to what others think or believe. Yeah. Like that. Or one case that a friend always brought up is the homosexuality issue. Yeah, I know. I know that their actions are wrong; but is it really wrong for me to just shrug it off and think that it’s not my business and just, you know, not contradict their actions? And justified it by not thinking about these stuffs at all? And not just that! Maybe something else! Like I don’t know; only these two crossed my mind and heavily burdening me mentally and spiritually at the time but I believe there’s more than these.

 These stuffs are stuffs that are not directly/physically harming others (to the point it’s not harmless at all! Maybe. Ugh I don’t know) And I just; you know. I don’t think that it matters if they do or if they don’t I don’t care they are not harmful (up until now) and I think that it’s okay to think so because it’s not that I’m a non-muslim or doing anal-sex so it’s none of my business yanno, and, and, and... is it wrong?

Because now that I really think about it. REALLY THINK about it... it does seem to contradict the said ‘believe’ I have upon my God and Holy Book to not wholly... eng, wholly embrace the concept of what was stated and stuff; but. But.

Sigh. My friend said that there’s no ‘but’ if I know it’s wrong because everything after the ‘but’ will be nothing but justification.

But! (Just for the record) I have already thought about it, I think about it real hard, and I know I’m too soft to myself because I just love myself and my needs very much; I still don’t have a heart to do so. Maybe I’m still a person with a tiny heart and mind to bear the consequences of taking sides of what’s right and wrong. Even with God as a ‘backup’; and a verse as an ‘argument’.

So. Yeah. I’m comfortable with being, this, ugh. This, indecisive, I guess. Right now, I wonder if I suck because I took this comfort as a justification to... not think and all that. But I don’t know. If being scared of this stuff means I haven’t matured, then I’ll wait until I’ve matured enough to not do anything stupid while believing in which is wrong or right.

_

The only defense I have to prevent being uncomfortable over things is to ignore it. So ignorance is bliss and I do live that phrase; but it doesn’t mean that I’d reject any knowledge. I just don’t think I’m that big yet; to know and to be wise about it.

And I might be stubborn, but believe me. I listen. I don’t understand, but I’m trying. If I ever answer your philosophical question/statement without any further thoughts or real argument inside it; it’s not that I don’t want to think about it, really. And it’s not that I don’t want to accept that I’m wrong either. I just don’t know how to word it that exact moment, or maybe I don’t understand my train of thoughts (on why I agree or disagree to that) enough to explain it to you. I’m good at pleasantries, but I’m a terrible communicator (which is ironic; for a person who learns communication studies). So please be patient with me.





p.s. Speaking of being patient, I wanna thank the one and only person that had been entitled as my translator for I was a really, really terrible at explaining my things other than class-related subjects. Yeah. It's you, Ghassani Deastari. I'm a lot better now (way better; but not exactly good yet), but I realize (after having no translator for these past 4 years) that you're very awesome and I love you! And I miss you too. But I don't think you'd read this so.. yeah. You're still awesome and I still love you.