Lies and Deceit

I remember one time when I'm still in my rebellious phase. I was in junior high school and I don't like it when I'm forced to eat dinner when I'm in the middle of doing something, so that one time is the time when my family (there's my aunt and my uncle also) forced me to eat chicken satay. My mom said it's good and I shouldn't sulk because I'm forced to eat. I ate some and my aunt asked me how it tasted and I replied "It's not special" just to spite them (I WAS in my rebellious phase). They laughed and say something akin to "she didn't mean it". I think I was pretty annoyed back then because I made myself believe that it IS not that special but they don't believe me.

I guess at that time I was too proud to admit that I could've made a bad decision on skipping dinner (or eating later on) or in general, I hate to admit that I was wrong.

Sometimes to the point of lying to myself that it is what I truly felt.

I don't know if I'm still like that though.

I mean, obviously I'm not brutally honest, not not in denial and never very eager to seek the truth. But I guess compared to my old self I learnt that it's okay to make mistakes and supposedly there are less lies that I've told myself (saying that there's absolutely none at the moment would be a lie, so. But I hope I'm wrong tho). I think.

Even if it's not, and whatever lies I've told myself keep piling and piling and piling because I'm that good at deceiving myself, is it really matter?

Is it really matter that I live my life happily because I lied to myself?

That I'm living a life of lies and whatever I convinced myself as genuine are never what I think it was?

That I'd die happy and content without knowing the slightest truth about who I really am?




I don't know, maybe not.

But even if it doesn't really matter, I think lying to yourself is not a very nice thing to do. In fact, I think it's a bit saddening and thinking about it makes me depressed a little. I don't really want to lie to myself.

But then again, I can't really say that one can differ which are lies and which are truths coming out of your head or heart (or at least me, I can't really say that I know how). I mean, how do you know? I don't know about you, but my head is full of voices. Sometimes it's not even mine--it sounded like my friends, my parents, sometimes it sounded like a pony. So how do you know which speaks the truth? I can't tell, most of the time. (I usually just follow whatever's convenient)




But if it doesn't really matter, then why bother, right?


p.s. Actually, there are a lot of times when I feel very honest. But I don't know if that's another lie my mind is trying to tell me.