(It sounded ridiculous. I know)
I cried because I really didn't know what to do. I didn't feel like going. I didn't want to go. I don't mind going anywhere by myself, it's just that at that time I didn't think I want to go anywhere. But staying feels wrong. Because it seemed that everyone is going out and try to spend most of their time out--exploring the so called foreign city and doing whatever stuffs with their friends, and I don't. And if I don't, it seems like I'm wasting my time... sort of.
So I don't want to go. But I feel like I have to.
I cried. I told myself that I don't have to cry because I can do what I want, but I don't want to be wrong. I don't want to cling on something that is not true. Like wanting candy when you have diabetes. Or eating a lot of meat when your mom said you shouldn't.
I told my puppet buddy that I don't know what to do and he said that I shouldn't do things that make me cry. He said that it might not be true--what I think I should do--and even if it is it won't be good if it were done with a broken heart. He said that it's okay to stay when I feel like staying and only went out to hang out with friends or eat. He said it's okay to have different thing to care for.
I hugged him and I felt so silly for crying.
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I suppose I like being home--or whatever akin to it. I don't mind being alone for a long time. I don't really like conversing with a lot of strangers--because at that time I am anything but myself. But I love things that are festive and loud and bright and being in the middle of it all.
Other than that, I still don't know what drives me to live. My friend asked me not long ago, but I knew that it has been on my mind for a long time and never been answered. Is this mean that I'm one of those people who are merely existing, and not living? So sad...
Is it even sadder that I don't feel as sad as I think I should be?
Mom is very moderate. She tells me what I should and shouldn't do and whenever I said "But I like it." or "But I want to", she'll say that it's up to me if I'd do it anyway. Dad is the reason why I eat a lot. If I can't decide on what to eat, he'd tell me to order everything that I want and I can give it to him if I can't finish it by myself. If I have to wait for my food to come, he'd buy me snacks to eat while waiting for the food. Is it my fault if I would do things that I don't really like solely because I love them and want them to be happy?
If I can have a kingdom of my own, I want it to be a place where I can see the open sky. And I can jump through my window and roll on the grass until I get tired and fall asleep until I wake up because of hunger. My people are magical stuffed animals that are powered by love and they will be there as long as I love them. I will tell them stories that I made up every day, and then I'd help them with their harvest and sometimes I'd help them milk their cows and feed their chickens. It doesn't have to be big, my kingdom, I figured that I want to walk around it by foot at times. I'll wash my horse everyday and I'll sleep whenever I want. I'll pet my cats and dogs and hug them and kiss them and rub my head to their belly everyday.
Once every full moon, we will have a bonfire and dance under the moon. We will sing and laugh and hug and kiss.
Whenever I'm bored I'll make up things to do and made it a routine until I'm bored again and make up another stuff to do.
I'll die, and when I died everyone will be dead because I'm dead and I can no longer love them. But can you love something forever, even after you die? Because that would be good. People don't have to die when I died. Or I think it would be better that because I loved them for a long time and they lived for a long time, they then learnt to love too, and because they love each other they can live forever. Or at least until no one love them anymore. Living a life without being loved is terrible anyway, I don't want them to live a terrible life.
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Mom is very moderate. She tells me what I should and shouldn't do and whenever I said "But I like it." or "But I want to", she'll say that it's up to me if I'd do it anyway. Dad is the reason why I eat a lot. If I can't decide on what to eat, he'd tell me to order everything that I want and I can give it to him if I can't finish it by myself. If I have to wait for my food to come, he'd buy me snacks to eat while waiting for the food. Is it my fault if I would do things that I don't really like solely because I love them and want them to be happy?
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If I can have a kingdom of my own, I want it to be a place where I can see the open sky. And I can jump through my window and roll on the grass until I get tired and fall asleep until I wake up because of hunger. My people are magical stuffed animals that are powered by love and they will be there as long as I love them. I will tell them stories that I made up every day, and then I'd help them with their harvest and sometimes I'd help them milk their cows and feed their chickens. It doesn't have to be big, my kingdom, I figured that I want to walk around it by foot at times. I'll wash my horse everyday and I'll sleep whenever I want. I'll pet my cats and dogs and hug them and kiss them and rub my head to their belly everyday.
Once every full moon, we will have a bonfire and dance under the moon. We will sing and laugh and hug and kiss.
Whenever I'm bored I'll make up things to do and made it a routine until I'm bored again and make up another stuff to do.
I'll die, and when I died everyone will be dead because I'm dead and I can no longer love them. But can you love something forever, even after you die? Because that would be good. People don't have to die when I died. Or I think it would be better that because I loved them for a long time and they lived for a long time, they then learnt to love too, and because they love each other they can live forever. Or at least until no one love them anymore. Living a life without being loved is terrible anyway, I don't want them to live a terrible life.
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