Go with the Flow (or Not)

You know, it's already my third year in college. 

Plus I'm twenty right now. I can't believe I live this long already--considering the amount of unhealthy food that I've been feeding myself, the amount of disasters happening in this earth, the amount of disasters happening in the universe, the amount of evil on the land, the amount of viruses and bacteria in the air, the amount of illness that exists in this era, and every other things that can be the death of me.

Not that it's not nice; in fact, it has been fun and awesome. But considering the usual human lifespan, which is 100 something, tops--the average is probably just 60 or 70 something--and assuming that my lifespan is like most people in general--twenty years old isn't so old. I still have a lot to go.

Having said that, I have to think about how I'd want to spend the rest of my expectant years. I have to prepare for it, yes? And given that I live in society that values industry and money highly, I have to prepare myself to, you know, care about getting into the industry and care about getting a lot of money.

(My thoughts of future has none of that in the equation, but you don't really live in thoughts so.)

Anyway.

I consider myself as a pretty idealistic person. It's not that I hate industry or money, but the thing is I don't want to do things I don't agree with and gain things from what I don't enjoy. I'm not sure where I can fit that preference here--of course there's a lot of choice other than being untrue to yourself, job can be made, and there's actually a lot of jobs and causes I can work on, but that's a path full of uncertainty and risks that I'm not even sure where. I mean, I'm very sure that I want to take that path, but which is it? Where is it? Twenty years of life hasn't made me realize that path yet. Or discover where that path is.

But everyone else is already moving. They're already taking paths. They're already making choices.

(Where as I'm here. Not exactly moving. Not sure which way to go. Don't know what path to take.)

And if I don't hurry, I feel like I'll be left behind.

And when I realize what it is, I feel like it'll be all too late.

I don't want that.

So right now, I'm trying to follow everyone else. Trying to follow the rules. The path given by society--as in, the ultimate path that is proven years of making a good citizen: learning in school, doing school activities, graduating with a good grades, doing internships, getting a job.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy almost most of them. But all this time, I did those things because it feels like that how this living thing works--I just keep doing it because it doesn't feel wrong and I enjoyed the process--and I've always been comfortable going with the flow; wherever it leads me (since it never fails me anyway). Then again, I used to not have the capacity to decide which path to take.

Now I have.

But I still don't know what it is.

Not sure where it goes.

(Good thing that I know where I want it to end, but)

So yeah.

I'll follow the rules again. I'll just follow what everyone else is doing. I keep telling myself that it'll just be a safety net that I'd discard once I found out what I really wanted.  

I hope it is.

Because sometimes I'm afraid that this path will lead me farther and farther away from the path that I actually would love to take--because instead of exploring things that I can work on and love, I'm here: following everyone else.

Then again, I hope that's not the case.