I think I've always have this problem when I enter a new environment. I find it adorable. I want to get everything fast. Like I want to do everything and the time seems really short. Previously when I was in Singapore, I am too lazy to explore things and ended up doing things I know with people I am comfortable with. I love that too. But I really remember the time when I make myself cry for being confused whether I want to stay at home or like go out and explore cuz that's what I am.
Oh right. For everyone who don't know (and for the old me to remember) I am in London right now. Pursuing my master. I feel inadequate. I am in a rush. I want to be smarter soon. I want know a lot of stuff fast. I want to learn a lot. I want to have friends soon. I want to go to many pretty places too. I know I can't, and I know I'm being childish for not being able to control my mind from wandering, but I find it funny.
Because I know I shouldn't. I know I have all the time in the world. And even if I don't, it's fine cuz I know it doesn't matter to me anyways. I am fully aware of how many are things that actually want to do and how many are things that are there waiting for me to try them--not necessarily the things that I find interesting, but really have no problem trying I suppose. I know I am rushing myself. It is unnecessary and it drains me. I know that already. I am never patient, maybe this is my chance to learn.
I also have this new feelings... Like I suppose that the me rushing thing is also old feeling I just recognize recently so this one might also be the same, and I am unable to like put them in the proper space in my heart and mind. Like how do I calm myself down--this stuffs are probably there waiting for me to give them names for a while and after I saw their faces to embrace them I become confused and disoriented--but not in a bad way, like delighted but how do I manage this things, like suddenly got jump by plenty of puppies kinda thing. I am trying to embrace all of this, and I don't know how. I know I should be calm but I am not.
Thinking what I should've feel and actually feeling it is different--like I have always prepared myself to lose the love of my life (and always cried at the thought) and find myself still crying from time to time. It doesn't matter that I know, I don't even know if I have enough sentience to keep myself calm--emotionally and physically.
Maybe this is also the reason why I want things to just end soon, you know? I am just impatient. Managing life is a chore--a fun chore! But a chore. And I can't wait for it to end. In the mean time--as it seems that it won't end anytime soon, I wanted to be happy. It's not hard to be happy with all these privileges I have all my life, I guess.
So that's my latest life updates.
I am happy and trying to calm myself from all these things that I want to taste.
I want to know a lot of things soon. I want to be good at studying soon.
Whilst counting seconds on when it's going to end.
Yeah. I am probably the jolliest person I know who feels this way.
4 comments:
Idk what your problem(s) are right now future rani. You seems.. pretty clueless. And to be honest I think it's normal to be like that, but all I know is that you are not just that normal person right?? Real rani will kick those problems away with her inhumane supermighty punch! Again, kick, with a punch!
Thank you, past me (or anyone who impersonate past me, since if you really were past me than I should've known I commented this before). But I don't think I am clueless. I am disoriented exactly because I know what's going on, but cannot do much about it. And another thing! You know, I am as real as your are, but I don't kick my problems away anymore (I guess) (I don't know if that was what I did... I used to just ignore problems haha). Or maybe this is just NOT a problem, this is just a part of me. So I don't kick or punch them. I love them and ask them what they want (because I am self-indulgent). (Yeah, current Rani is pacifist now, mainly because she's too lazy to punch or kick those kinda things).
(But thank you again, for caring about my wellbeing.)
Well, you can see that I'm not you anymore and you are not me either. We are just the same creature from different time haha. But, but, I really didn't expect such a warm reply there so thank you so much before.
Honestly, I'm pretty glad you said that you're not as clueless as I am anymore (who's still stuck here know nothing about the world, questioning everything-even the future). Yet, you've grown to this version of rani with more awesome ideas and thoughts! Super cool heh. Not to mention your more lively grammar and vocab!! Okay, okay. Now after we agreed that you are not so clueless, I have a thing to say. That problem(s) of yours (or say that part of you), or even the upcoming part of you problem in the future (like future of the future), please do not forget any of them. Like the adults (or generally humans) do most of the time.
You know, when past meet future, time will consume it all leaving only debris of memories. And if forgotten, it's only a matter of time until a person is not him/her anymore. Basically that person is still there, but not the soul. I think it's like the so called future-past paradox where you'll be disappeared from this world if you kill yourself in the past. Or if you go back to the past and try to stop someone's death it will affect the current now. Maybe it's also time for me to be gone from this world as I'm not a person anymore (I was, but now I'm only an idea). But if you miss me somehow don't worry, we're still connected. You can remember me anytime. You know that nothing kills an idea, except the idea itself.
Thank you future rani, despite all of this nonsense I brought heheh. Also, thank you for taking care of me back there. It's been such a long time.
Dear past me,
Worry not, I do not really want to forget and that is why I keep this blog :) It is for that purpose: to know where I left off, and to see just how much things changed or stayed.
You don't have to thank me, if anything, you let me to become the person I am today. And I am grateful for that.
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