My "Confusing" List

I'm still confused about stuffs. Because I'm not good at being confused, I usually ended up ignoring stuffs I need to figure out. So I'd still be confused about stuffs and even if I do figure out some of those I'd be confused about some other stuffs.

But a mango tree will always be a mango tree. I... believe that. So I'm going to be patient and wait. It's infuriating and tiring but I'll wait.

Every other times it seems so stupid, that maybe I just have to search all over the place and I should have run for it. And it hurts a little bit to see that you're nowhere but here and not where you want to be. But I don't even know where I want to be. I don't even understand what it takes to leave.

So I'll wait.
Yeah, I probably should.

Maybe it's just not the time yet. Maybe it's just me haven't nourished enough stuff inside. Maybe it's because some aren't prepared yet--longed for me to stay. Or maybe because I have a new son to raise.


There is also good stuff that I'm confused about. Like how I met wonderful people and how my world isn't as cruel as others. How I am spoiled and rotten. But why? How? I don't really understand.


Other stuffs that confuses me is that even though I know everyone is different and have their own sliding scale of everything; why am I still offended, or hurt? Or sad. Or even mad. Why can't I just stop at disagreeing.

Why should it even matter. I guess the fact that I care for what I think I own--even abstract stuffs such as ideas or faith or thoughts--makes me think that it matters than it should. Maybe.

But I know it doesn't really matter and I am hurt--or offended, or sad, or mad--all the same. I guess we can never stop feeling even when we think we shouldn't. It's a wonder what really makes you you.


I'm confused as to why some people don't listen. Why some people don't talk. Why some people don't see--don't realize. I'm also confuse as to why I don't listen. Why I don't talk. And why I don't see.

Maybe it's because we are different that we pay attention to different stuff. Maybe because we are different that we need each other to complete what's missing.

Haha who am I kidding.

I'm also confused; why can't we be friends? Why can't everyone be friends? Why can't everything be friends?

Why is it have to be ruined by ego, greed, lust, or hunger. We are different but we are not that different; aren't we here to complete each other? Why can't we be friends while completing each other? It's not very hard. ...Isn't it?

One more thing. Sometimes I'm confused if I'm being nice or mean. I don't know if I'm a good enough person (I am working on it) but I think I am nice to people... But people wondering if I'm nice or mean (or being creepy) makes me confused if I really am nice or not.


But yeah. I'm not very good at being confused so we'll see if I still find these stuffs confusing some time in the future.



みんなみんな 生きているんだ 友達なんだ
Everyone, everyone. We're alive and we're all friends. 
- 手のひらを太陽に

A Widdle Wife Wubdates

Recently things get pretty hectic. I have to do lots of stuff--projects and presentation and paper; and it's not even finals. And don't get me started with finals.

Anyway!

Today I did something bad. I was dishonest. I lied. I feel terrible.
It's something that is not unusual around here--my friends did that a lot--but it was my first time and I did it in the most stupid fashion one could ever invented.

I probably feel terrible because of that; because I did it so stupidly stupid. Not to mention my hand was trembling so it failed so hard. I was scared. I felt pang in my heart.

So very terrible feeling.

I'm glad that it stays only for a little while (sort of), because if it doesn't I'd probably cracked.

In a way I thought that maybe I'm just not made to do this; that I'm super bad at these stuff. Maybe I'm a good person after all. And then I realized that maybe the reason I felt so awful was because I was scared of getting caught; not because what I did was an act of dishonesty.

I wish there will be a time like this no more.

I don't like it.

On a brighter note: two presentations that I did this week are wonderful, they're great, one get (possibly) the warmest response from my lecturer and the other got us a second place!

And on an even brighter note: I met a person I've been wanting to meet for.... I don't know. We met at the train on Monday and we met again today. We talk for, like, two hours. I miss talking with her. I miss her. The last time we talk for more than 20 minutes is probably 5 years ago. I miss her so bad. She doesn't really change that much; she's just better at what I think she's awesome at. I love it and I love her too. I hope she'll always be happy!

I still have a paper and presentation to work on, and 7 take-home tests right after. I hope it'll be over real soon.

Bye!

Time!

Oh my.

I'm sorry for leaving the blog like this, so somber and sad! My last posts are sad and discouraging, but really, for you to see in the future, life is not all that bad. (I'm just lazy to write anything in between)

I guess it's pretty good because you know, I can't stay happy all the time; for the most of the time yes, but all the time no. But like every time in life most of the time is okay, they're okay. Sometimes awesome, but sometimes pretty crappy too.

People said that by growing up we have less things to be happy about and to feel awesome about (I probably have stated so too.. I think) and it's probably true! Of course, when we are younger we know less stuff so a lot of new things so awesome but we grow into knowing there're better stuff, better people, people who are stupid and mean, evil corporations, manipulative media, and stuff like that. Moreover, there are more stuffs to be done and more activities people want you to join and more expectations for you to reach. So other than stuffs that make you think you're bad and not cool and you are surrounded by things and people who are intimidating in any way you can think of, you have less time to think about how lucky you are to have this or that or how easy life is for you compared to some people or that nothing actually mattered.

And that is most of my problem.

I have less time to think about things that makes me happy and warm inside. I have less to be thankful (as stupid as it sounds). It's not like it takes a lot of time or anything, it's just... well. It seems like a lot of things are present for me to think about so sometimes I forgot to take a break and a deep breath (not to mention that most of that stuff doesn't really matter to me). And thus life seems like it's become harder and meaner than it was before and I can't stay happy as much as I used to.

But it doesn't have to be like that!

The truth is there is always a time, and there'll always be enough time! I just have to be better at sorting things to do or think so life doesn't feel like it has become more.... not fun.

Hmm. It will probably be easier if I realized what is it that I'm passionate about so, you know, the sorting part is much simpler.

But meh! This will do at the moment.

I know

"You never know what you got until it's gone."

I always assume that it hurts a lot when things that have always been there with you gone, without you realizing how much it means to you the whole time.

Guess what.

It hurts a lot more when you DO know what you got, this whole time, and then it's gone.

Just like my good umbrella that I lost at school last year.
Or the best kitty in the world that has gone last February.

And it turns out that knowing it'll gone anytime don't help. The knowledge that you'll be left behind doesn't console anything. It won't change that your heart will be broken all the same.

So.

You never know what you got until it's gone---no you don't. You always know what you got. You just think you would never lost it. Or forgot that it would eventually gone.

But even if you remember...
It doesn't change the fact that you might get sad a little,
or depressed a little,
or cries a little (or a lot),
when it happens.


And that's not so bad.

Given the right amount of time, everything heals.
Because you have a lifetime to heal, and even if you don't,

nothing here will hurt after death.

Bouncing back

Why hello again! After last month pretty depressing post and un-depressing post un-posted I had in my drafts I think I have to cheer this blog up again.

Anyway.

My aunt past away recently.

This auntie is one that I've always remember saying "You're pretty." to me at times I greet her or visit her on holidays. Even in the last day I visit her at the hospital, she said so too--and she said that she's not being nice or merely saying that, and that she really thinks I'm pretty.

(I was beaten at that time, she told me I shouldn't had come if I were tired; at that time I thought "I might not have the chance to visit you again so I pushed myself today"--because there are lot of stuff in my agenda at the time--but I didn't say anything.)

I am not sad because I don't have the reason to. She rested in peace, and my mom said the reason that she hasn't past away when my mother visited her in the afternoon was (probably) solely because she was waiting for her family to be there with her. And she was loved and she was one of the nicest auntie I've ever had.

Heh. So much cheering this blog up.

But really.

People stress, depress and upset sometimes. Sometimes they're anxious and worried. And afraid. Of things. Of some stuffs.

Me too.

In the end what's important is that... I have people around me to remind me that I'm okay and everything is okay. That everything's fine and I have nothing to worry, stress, depress or be anxious about.

That the world (with stuffs and everything in it) will never stop for me to grief. That the sun will always rise in the morning no matter I don't want any of them at that moment, and that the assignments are still due tomorrow even if I don't feel like doing it.

Even if those people have to leave at some point (like one I love that has), I hope that I will never run out of those people. And that if I do, I'm big enough to remember that all by myself.