What I want

It was a day before CNY eve, the day I cried because I don't know whether to go out or stay at my room.

(It sounded ridiculous. I know)

I cried because I really didn't know what to do. I didn't feel like going. I didn't want to go. I don't mind going anywhere by myself, it's just that at that time I didn't think I want to go anywhere. But staying feels wrong. Because it seemed that everyone is going out and try to spend most of their time out--exploring the so called foreign city and doing whatever stuffs with their friends, and I don't. And if I don't, it seems like I'm wasting my time... sort of.

So I don't want to go. But I feel like I have to. 

I cried. I told myself that I don't have to cry because I can do what I want, but I don't want to be wrong.  I don't want to cling on something that is not true. Like wanting candy when you have diabetes. Or eating a lot of meat when your mom said you shouldn't. 

I told my puppet buddy that I don't know what to do and he said that I shouldn't do things that make me cry. He said that it might not be true--what I think I should do--and even if it is it won't be good if it were done with a broken heart. He said that it's okay to stay when I feel like staying and only went out  to hang out with friends or eat. He said it's okay to have different thing to care for.

I hugged him and I felt so silly for crying. 

-

I suppose I like being home--or whatever akin to it. I don't mind being alone for a long time. I don't really like conversing with a lot of strangers--because at that time I am anything but myself. But I love things that are festive and loud and bright and being in the middle of it all.

Other than that, I still don't know what drives me to live. My friend asked me not long ago, but I knew that it has been on my mind for a long time and never been answered. Is this mean that I'm one of those people who are merely existing, and not living? So sad... 

Is it even sadder that I don't feel as sad as I think I should be?

-

Mom is very moderate. She tells me what I should and shouldn't do and whenever I said "But I like it." or "But I want to", she'll say that it's up to me if I'd do it anyway. Dad is the reason why I eat a lot. If I can't decide on what to eat, he'd tell me to order everything that I want and I can give it to him if I can't finish it by myself. If I have to wait for my food to come, he'd buy me snacks to eat while waiting for the food. Is it my fault if I would do things that I don't really like solely because I love them and want them to be happy?

-

If I can have a kingdom of my own, I want it to be a place where I can see the open sky. And I can jump through my window and roll on the grass until I get tired and fall asleep until I wake up because of hunger. My people are magical stuffed animals that are powered by love and they will be there as long as I love them. I will tell them stories that I made up every day, and then I'd help them with their harvest and sometimes I'd help them milk their cows and feed their chickens. It doesn't have to be big, my kingdom, I figured that I want to walk around it by foot at times. I'll wash my horse everyday and I'll sleep whenever I want. I'll pet my cats and dogs and hug them and kiss them and rub my head to their belly everyday.

Once every full moon, we will have a bonfire and dance under the moon. We will sing and laugh and hug and kiss.

Whenever I'm bored I'll make up things to do and made it a routine until I'm bored again and make up another stuff to do.

I'll die, and when I died everyone will be dead because I'm dead and I can no longer love them. But can you love something forever, even after you die? Because that would be good. People don't have to die when I died. Or I think it would be better that because I loved them for a long time and they lived for a long time, they then learnt to love too, and because they love each other they can live forever. Or at least until no one love them anymore. Living a life without being loved is terrible anyway, I don't want them to live a terrible life.

-

Lies and Deceit

I remember one time when I'm still in my rebellious phase. I was in junior high school and I don't like it when I'm forced to eat dinner when I'm in the middle of doing something, so that one time is the time when my family (there's my aunt and my uncle also) forced me to eat chicken satay. My mom said it's good and I shouldn't sulk because I'm forced to eat. I ate some and my aunt asked me how it tasted and I replied "It's not special" just to spite them (I WAS in my rebellious phase). They laughed and say something akin to "she didn't mean it". I think I was pretty annoyed back then because I made myself believe that it IS not that special but they don't believe me.

I guess at that time I was too proud to admit that I could've made a bad decision on skipping dinner (or eating later on) or in general, I hate to admit that I was wrong.

Sometimes to the point of lying to myself that it is what I truly felt.

I don't know if I'm still like that though.

I mean, obviously I'm not brutally honest, not not in denial and never very eager to seek the truth. But I guess compared to my old self I learnt that it's okay to make mistakes and supposedly there are less lies that I've told myself (saying that there's absolutely none at the moment would be a lie, so. But I hope I'm wrong tho). I think.

Even if it's not, and whatever lies I've told myself keep piling and piling and piling because I'm that good at deceiving myself, is it really matter?

Is it really matter that I live my life happily because I lied to myself?

That I'm living a life of lies and whatever I convinced myself as genuine are never what I think it was?

That I'd die happy and content without knowing the slightest truth about who I really am?




I don't know, maybe not.

But even if it doesn't really matter, I think lying to yourself is not a very nice thing to do. In fact, I think it's a bit saddening and thinking about it makes me depressed a little. I don't really want to lie to myself.

But then again, I can't really say that one can differ which are lies and which are truths coming out of your head or heart (or at least me, I can't really say that I know how). I mean, how do you know? I don't know about you, but my head is full of voices. Sometimes it's not even mine--it sounded like my friends, my parents, sometimes it sounded like a pony. So how do you know which speaks the truth? I can't tell, most of the time. (I usually just follow whatever's convenient)




But if it doesn't really matter, then why bother, right?


p.s. Actually, there are a lot of times when I feel very honest. But I don't know if that's another lie my mind is trying to tell me.

Suicides

(Some additions of this post are made after a conversation with someone.) 

(Yeah, that's you.)

I actually had a post about death and what I think about death for some time (by some time, trust me, it's a pretty old draft; with a lot of revision, 'course). But before anything, I want to assure you that I am not having suicidal thoughts or anything. It's just that... I think about death a lot. I played with the idea of dying--if I'm going to die young, or old. I played with the idea of death when I'm sick, when I'm bored, when I eat too much, when I eat at irregular times, when I'm in the middle of exam, when I want to sleep, when I'm hungry just before sleep, when people die, when people almost die--a lot of times. In my defense, I think it's perfectly normal for me--being a mortal being that I am--thinking about death on daily basis.

Anyway.

This post is not about death... well not particularly.

Okay maybe a little.

Ahem, anyway.

I saw a post about suicide in woods of Japan. The forest is beautiful, and I really think that it'd be nice if I died in a beautiful place like that. I then thought of other suicides--done in tall buildings... bridges...

I wonder if those places are beautiful. The forest is certainly beautiful, I think. Tall buildings... maybe seeing a bright blue sky ahead without feeling trapped by shadows of other skyscrapers is a pretty nice view before you die. Maybe the same with bridges. The sight of open spaces is calming, is it not?

But I think that's not always the case, if it's ever the case.

I just think it's a shame that when people think of ending their lives, it was driven not by the thought of, like, I don't know, deciding on what kind of place you'll have your last breath. Or what kind of sight you'll see. I mean, most people don't have that luxury because they never saw it coming. But for those who decided to kill themselves, isn't that the part of consideration? Where to die?

Why not pick somewhere beautiful, right?



And now that I think about it, I don't really understand why suicide is so looked down upon. Escaping and not taking responsibilities are bad, but just because most people kill themselves to do so doesn't mean the act of killing self itself is bad.

Well... maybe it kinda is, but it's not as bad as killing other people or inflicting harm towards others, right? Just--okay I'm not saying committing suicide is a good thing but the thing is,
a lot of people scared of dying.

A lot of people scared of death.

A lot of people scared of social exclusion, debt, being left by loved ones, and all that, but I think a lot more people scared of death.


So what I'm saying is: suicide need guts. To do so, you need courage. You need to be sure that you are capable of throwing everything you did for life. You need to be sure that you are ready to leave whatever you've got and will have. You have to be sure that NOTHING is worth living anymore. Because unlike wrong decisions or having no friends, being dead is not a condition you can revert when you changed your mind. It's really easy, I think, to come up with a reason to kill yourself. Some people just don't have enough motivation or guts to do that.



So in principle,
I think making a decision to commit suicide is no different that any other "life-changing" decisions.
Other life changing decisions are probably also driven by the same amount of determination, courage, or desperation--if not less.


So yeah.


But just to be clear:
I am not promoting suicide.
And no pun intended.

Go, Democracy!

Hallo! It hasn't been a while since my last post (so happy!) but you know, when I go back through my drafts (the four latest posts are all drafts that has been in archive for months or years or something) I remember that I didn't feel like posting them because I don't think they are worth posting at the time. I thought they were silly.

I see that it only needs time to see that some of it aren't.

And you know, now that I read my posts, I realized that... when I talked about stuffs that aren't life updates, I mostly talked about stuffs that are immaterial, am I not? Even more so, I personally think that I like to talk about the idea of self--the idea of emotions, feelings, attitudes, perceptions, blahblahblah. Things that some people deemed as unimportant.

I guess I write that sort of stuff because those things are what's important for me. Because those things bug me when they're left unwritten. But just like me, there are people who think their thoughts about politics or society are important so that's what they write. On the other hand, movies or writings or fictions in general are important and worth archiving for some other people. Or anything really. I know that some other people like talking or thinking about gender equality, or animal rights, or porn, or other whatevs and some people don't. Some people like other stuff better.

But that's not a big deal right? It's not like one is better than the other...

Or is it?
Is any of those preference better than the other?


I don't think so. It doesn't make any of them worse or better--just different.

Is different a bad thing?
Supposedly, no.


But I see that a lot of people think otherwise. There are people that think if it's impractical or "abstract" or "just" a form of expression then it sucks--philosophers and writers and artists are mere lazybums who talk and do stupid stuff but don't do anything important for society, they say. But when it's practical then it sucks too--engineers and politicians and whatnot are focusing on things that are artificial and unimportant, what's important it's what inside and what makes human human, they say. When it's reviewing stuffs it sucks too--blahblahblah you criticizing stuffs, just try when you make one on your own!

But sadly, differences aren't just exists in what people prefer to write.


We people are the same: we are all different. I believe that there is no single person that share the same physical features, and set of minds, and field of experience, and also views over everything.

And tell me...

..who in the world has the right--has the capacity--to judge one of which are better or "more important" than the other?





(Apparently, majority does.)

Moving On

You see, moving on is not about forgetting what's keeping you. It's to get rid of ill feelings that attached to it. So if you had a boyfriend and want to move on, you don't forget about him. You lose feelings you associate with him--feelings that shouldn't be there anymore. If you had a bad grade and you want to move on, you don't burn them down. You get rid of the grief and sadness and do better next time. If you were left behind and you want to move on, you don't erase traces of them.

I do too.

I am not forgetting, okay? I won't.

Moving on is not about not keeping pictures anymore, nor not telling stories about stuffs you want to move on from. It's not about pretending that nothing has changed either because things changed and it will always change--it's inevitable.

Moving on, for me, is not about stop loving, or missing, or remembering things that are nice or bad.
Moving on is knowing things changed and being fine with it.

And moving on has nothing to do with replacing things with other things. Or replacing people with other people.

Places in heart are special and they don't take second guests. There are no places in heart that are reserved for two (or three. Or four.). Once it's there then it's there forever. Fortunately, heart is a very vast place and it will always make room for new things and new people.



So move on.

Don't try to replace things because it's not going to work. And don't try to take up someone else's space in one's heart because they were never for you.

You got your own.
(That is, if you ever get it one's heart, but yeah.)