Parents and Children

Hi, blog.

Another mind dump, today. And see, I missed another month. I'm getting bad at this.

Anyway.

I find a lot of things shoved in my hands recently, and the things that I can think of is just "If my parents don't love me I can't imagine how horrible that would feel". "It must be sad if there is anyone who isn't loved by their parents." "If there's actually anything that every child should have is being loved by their parents." Something along those lines. I feel loved plenty of times, this time is no exception.

I think it's natural to love my parents, because they love me and they give me food and stuffs. They talk to me and listen to me. They play games with me and let me play with my friends too. They take care of me even when I don't ask them to. They make me feel special, even when I believe that nothing is. It's also natural that the more time you spend with someone or something, you get attached to them, and the thought of life without them makes you sad (I even feel sad thinking that I have to replace my laptop some day). In their case, I have live with them all my life until now, so of course I'd be pretty bummed if they're gone.

It's not "natural" because their DNAs are running in my blood or that I came out of my mother's womb. It's natural because they do things that make me happy and fulfilled. Things that are not easy because I think I will punch myself plenty of times if I were my own kid. Things that make me want them to love me more and to be happy too. They do a lot of things, that I keep things and do things in life just for their sake. When I was sick and helpless, hearing their voices alone makes me cry.

I don't know why my parents love me, but I like to think that I did things that makes loving me easier for them.




I believe that you don't really get people to love you because you're their whatever. In fact, it's a lot of work for some.

So I think it's normal if parents happen to not love their children.
And I think it's normal if children happen to not love their parents.




But with that saying, I still think that unloved children is probably one of the most miserable creatures in the world. Some people just don't deserve children. People has to stop forcing children to be born, because if they are not prepared to love them, they are creating persons that are bound to be miserable for some time.

Stop creating miserable little persons. Love your child, if you can. If you cannot, at least be nice. Or don't make them, at all.



This is coming from a child loved by her parents, and cannot imagine her world in any other way.

Urges

I want to confess.

I don't know if it's weird or maybe not as weird as I think it is, but I realize this just recently and I think it's maybe weird but I don't know.

So yeah. There are things that I know I want to do, and they are not necessarily bad, but I don't do them. Because those are things I want to do to others. Because they are others, and not me, I always wondered if it's ok for me to do... stuffs to them.

Nothing weird, really. Most of the time I just want to touch them.
Ok it does kinda sound really weird. (Or not?? Maybe not?? I think not really but Idk I said weird a lot in just a few sentences)

I want to do that a lot. And I think I can do that. I really can.

But I didn't.

Because it would require me to, say, touch them, and they might not like it.

It's not always complicated; I asked if I can touch them, sometimes. I touched some of them, sometimes. I let them know that they are soft and tender, sometimes.

But most of the time,
I just didn't.





Now.

I just realized how natural it is for me to think that I can't do things to people (or other things) just because I want to. Things I didn't do because I know it is not all on me.

I want to think that it's because I have a plenty good self-control. (Maybe I really do)

But I wonder if the things that I want to do--and I decide to not do in the end--speaks louder than the fact that I am able to stop myself from doing it.





Does it really matter what the urges are, as long as I am able to control myself?
Or is the reason I need to control myself in the first place supposed to be something that I have to wonder about? Or fix, even?


For example.

If I want to kill people,
is it fine as long as I don't actually kill them,
or the very fact that I want to kill people is a thought I have to get rid of?


It's really confusing.

Lazy

Oh no. I missed 2 months.

Oh well.

I guess it's just because I am lazy.

Anyway, talking about my laziness, a lot of people don't really believe me when I said that I am lazy. Most likely because I have done things and am still doing things.

This is something that I realized recently, I suppose. I can just do things without wanting to do things. I don't have to have the will to do stuffs to do stuffs. I am lazy, but I am doing it anyway. Most of the time it's because it will be more troublesome if I don't do the things I think I should do. But other times, it's just because I can.

I think this is common, no? I mean, how many people are doing the things they are doing at the moment as they want? Only a handful of lucky people are able to do things they want and want things they do. Most are just doing things that they thing they should do. And able to do. And then there they are.

Exist. Live. Somewhat.

My case is that I am lazy. While I enjoy things that I do (yes, even taking a bath or working) I am lazy! I'd rather not do things. But I have to, because I am alive. Maintaining life is full of effort. I have to eat, to eat I have to earn food, to earn food I have to follow whatever system this society come up with. And this society come up with a lot of things. Things that I don't even care sometimes. But I cannot not care at most times, because I live in society and they have mold the place I lived in to something with rules that I have to follow.

Granted, I find many fun things by living. And I am capable of being happy.

So I guess living is not so bad.
(Though I guess I would be totally fine by not living anymore)




So if this means that I merely exist, I guess that's fine.
If this means that I'm dying inside, that's fine too.

I spent a lot of years finding meaning of living. I find that it can be anything that I come up with. (Maybe it's too early to say that. Maybe I have yet live enough.)

And I find that maybe to just exist is not so bad.



I don't understand if this is the sort of things human came up with to console themselves, make themselves feel better, or justify their sad life--but I understand now.

Nothing is really matter. Nothing.

You make things matter. Granted, people kinda help you make things matter to you.

But that's just it. It's all on you.




(And I guess that ability to perceive is probably the most wonderful thing that a creature can be given to)

My Aim in Life

If there is anything I aim to be, I think it is to not be a bother.

I think I will settle with minding my own business and my loved ones, and keeping myself from ruining other people's.

I don't think I want to become a meaningful existence for a lot of people. Meaningful for enough people (people that matters to me) is ok. I don't even think I am trying to be a useful human being. As long as I am not a burden, it's great.

I generally aim low because I am lazy. But it's hard to be lazy and good at the same time. When you live with people, sometimes silence and impassiveness translated to evil. I chose to not do anything remotely remarkable because I am lazy, but some people suffer because I don't do anything. Because I don't stand with them, because I don't speak up. Because I don't help. Not helping means you're evil, sometimes. Even when you're not the cause.

So I just want to live without causing problems.
But even trying to live with just that, one requires to act and speak up.

And I am lazy.

Ok.

So I try not to be too lazy. Somewhat.



p.s. I feel bad for people who think they don't need to learn because they have faith. Isn't it ironic if you have faith that requires you to learn, but you don't because you 'believe'? If God don't want you to think, It won't give you the capacity to.

I Thought I Have

"Moving on, for me, is not about stop loving, or missing, or remembering things that are nice or bad. Moving on is knowing things changed and being fine with it." - Moving On

So it turns out that I am not fine yet.