This, I swear.

I will stop being stupid.
I don't have the right to be mean but I have the right to be mad, and yell, and go away.

I will stop being stupid.
Never I'd compromised with downright disrespect and humiliation.

I will stop being stupid.
I won't let myself justified any bad manner I received which is not direct feedback of bad manner I have displayed.

I will stop being stupid.
It is time I know which is wisdom, kindness, and blatant stupidity.

I swear.
I swear I will.

(this is just a fangirl rant)

Halo! These days, I read books. I haven't read read books--excluding academic stuffs--for I don't know probably a year or so. I read more back in my high school days. Including comic books... and now that I mentioned it, I read a lot more fictions (novels, comics, fanfics) than I do these last 2 years in college. It's a good thing if what I read now revolves around stuffs that sort of matters (like journals, news, politics, critical theory, or something like that) but unfortunately it's not really the case. I just don't read as much, I think. But on the brighter note, compared to back then what I read now varied more that what I read then (but yeah mostly comics). 

Oh yeah sorry I digressed. So yeah I read books. One is because... I sort of curious (it was recommended by a stranger in omegle HAHA--in which turned out not very appealing to me) and the others were a series of books that I've PROMISED to read (I made a pact with a friend--which turned out to be fun and addicting). I still wanted to spend most of my money on comic books, and I still read a lot of webcomics. But I don't read fanfictions as much as I used to. 

"As much as I used to" is how much, exactly? For years, say, 9th grade until I graduated high school, I read fanfictions literally everyday. And it's not like it's one fanfic a night as well, it can be five to ten or more, if it's not chaptered. So like any other fangirls, I have read thousands upon thousands of fanfictions in my teenage life. I rarely read those anymore because a lot of factors, one of them that most of fanfictions are crappy (90% of everything is crud after all) and I don't have time to read crap nowadays. 

But talking about this makes me remember one of the best of fanfics I've read then. I have this fanfic author that I adore. And I can't believe it either, but every single fic that I've read written by her were brilliant. From what I remember, her stories are perfect, the plot is wonderful, very in character and the use of words are beautiful. The most important is that she moves me, and her fics gave me this tingling feelings that makes me happy. 

She was (still is) very special, because she writes fics for one of insignificant fandom out of my fandoms that are usually insignificant in general (I suck at choosing fandoms). So there's not much to choose from and I'm glad that in this insignificant fandom I have one brilliant source of fanfics; her. 

So for years, I look forward to read her fics and for her to update her stories. There's this one particular story that has been running from... I don't know, around 2002-2003 (because in 2003 she updated the ninth chapter). She's busy and she can't update regularly so... yeah. For years, since the time I found her and this particular fic, I've been looking forward to read her new updates. That's probably sometime in 2009. It's a bit tiring to wait for updates, because it updates, like, once a year. Sometimes more than a year. Sometimes I'm terrified if she's dead because I really want to know how the story will end.

But for I don't stop reading new stuffs, this fandom soon be temporary forgotten and I don't visit her site as regularly. Until just now.

Out of nowhere I suddenly remember her, and I check out her site. I suppose that I haven't visited it in like a year or so. 

I'm awed. It's been years since she started writing that fic and until now, it's still alive. What's surprising is that, for those years--even when she only updated once a year like I said--she keeps updating. She keeps writing. She still updates the fic that I've been following--waiting--for more than 3 years. The last time I read it probably 2 years ago, and... it's still alive.

I... don't know what to say.

You see, I've read enough fics that it isn't once or twice I found a really good dead fic; a fic that is discontinued for whatever reason, or a really good fic that's in hiatus for forever; might as well as dead. I usually feel sad and disappointed because, a lot of them actually really, really good. And has a lot of readers and comments so it's a shame to see it ended up dead. 

But this?

Her dedication to keep updating until now (even when I don't know if it'll be finished) moved me. Her commitment to actually finish what she's started is extraordinary. Mind you, this is fanfiction. This is a work of love, she's doing it for free and she has no real responsibility towards anyone to actually finish it. But she did it anyway. Be it a fruit of love, a gratitude for loyal readers, or just a mere self-integrity, it's awesome. She's awesome. 

I love you, Leareth. You're an inspiration. Keep writing.

I don't think this post is coherent, but I don't really care. I just have to write this. 

My "Confusing" List

I'm still confused about stuffs. Because I'm not good at being confused, I usually ended up ignoring stuffs I need to figure out. So I'd still be confused about stuffs and even if I do figure out some of those I'd be confused about some other stuffs.

But a mango tree will always be a mango tree. I... believe that. So I'm going to be patient and wait. It's infuriating and tiring but I'll wait.

Every other times it seems so stupid, that maybe I just have to search all over the place and I should have run for it. And it hurts a little bit to see that you're nowhere but here and not where you want to be. But I don't even know where I want to be. I don't even understand what it takes to leave.

So I'll wait.
Yeah, I probably should.

Maybe it's just not the time yet. Maybe it's just me haven't nourished enough stuff inside. Maybe it's because some aren't prepared yet--longed for me to stay. Or maybe because I have a new son to raise.


There is also good stuff that I'm confused about. Like how I met wonderful people and how my world isn't as cruel as others. How I am spoiled and rotten. But why? How? I don't really understand.


Other stuffs that confuses me is that even though I know everyone is different and have their own sliding scale of everything; why am I still offended, or hurt? Or sad. Or even mad. Why can't I just stop at disagreeing.

Why should it even matter. I guess the fact that I care for what I think I own--even abstract stuffs such as ideas or faith or thoughts--makes me think that it matters than it should. Maybe.

But I know it doesn't really matter and I am hurt--or offended, or sad, or mad--all the same. I guess we can never stop feeling even when we think we shouldn't. It's a wonder what really makes you you.


I'm confused as to why some people don't listen. Why some people don't talk. Why some people don't see--don't realize. I'm also confuse as to why I don't listen. Why I don't talk. And why I don't see.

Maybe it's because we are different that we pay attention to different stuff. Maybe because we are different that we need each other to complete what's missing.

Haha who am I kidding.

I'm also confused; why can't we be friends? Why can't everyone be friends? Why can't everything be friends?

Why is it have to be ruined by ego, greed, lust, or hunger. We are different but we are not that different; aren't we here to complete each other? Why can't we be friends while completing each other? It's not very hard. ...Isn't it?

One more thing. Sometimes I'm confused if I'm being nice or mean. I don't know if I'm a good enough person (I am working on it) but I think I am nice to people... But people wondering if I'm nice or mean (or being creepy) makes me confused if I really am nice or not.


But yeah. I'm not very good at being confused so we'll see if I still find these stuffs confusing some time in the future.



みんなみんな 生きているんだ 友達なんだ
Everyone, everyone. We're alive and we're all friends. 
- 手のひらを太陽に

A Widdle Wife Wubdates

Recently things get pretty hectic. I have to do lots of stuff--projects and presentation and paper; and it's not even finals. And don't get me started with finals.

Anyway!

Today I did something bad. I was dishonest. I lied. I feel terrible.
It's something that is not unusual around here--my friends did that a lot--but it was my first time and I did it in the most stupid fashion one could ever invented.

I probably feel terrible because of that; because I did it so stupidly stupid. Not to mention my hand was trembling so it failed so hard. I was scared. I felt pang in my heart.

So very terrible feeling.

I'm glad that it stays only for a little while (sort of), because if it doesn't I'd probably cracked.

In a way I thought that maybe I'm just not made to do this; that I'm super bad at these stuff. Maybe I'm a good person after all. And then I realized that maybe the reason I felt so awful was because I was scared of getting caught; not because what I did was an act of dishonesty.

I wish there will be a time like this no more.

I don't like it.

On a brighter note: two presentations that I did this week are wonderful, they're great, one get (possibly) the warmest response from my lecturer and the other got us a second place!

And on an even brighter note: I met a person I've been wanting to meet for.... I don't know. We met at the train on Monday and we met again today. We talk for, like, two hours. I miss talking with her. I miss her. The last time we talk for more than 20 minutes is probably 5 years ago. I miss her so bad. She doesn't really change that much; she's just better at what I think she's awesome at. I love it and I love her too. I hope she'll always be happy!

I still have a paper and presentation to work on, and 7 take-home tests right after. I hope it'll be over real soon.

Bye!

Time!

Oh my.

I'm sorry for leaving the blog like this, so somber and sad! My last posts are sad and discouraging, but really, for you to see in the future, life is not all that bad. (I'm just lazy to write anything in between)

I guess it's pretty good because you know, I can't stay happy all the time; for the most of the time yes, but all the time no. But like every time in life most of the time is okay, they're okay. Sometimes awesome, but sometimes pretty crappy too.

People said that by growing up we have less things to be happy about and to feel awesome about (I probably have stated so too.. I think) and it's probably true! Of course, when we are younger we know less stuff so a lot of new things so awesome but we grow into knowing there're better stuff, better people, people who are stupid and mean, evil corporations, manipulative media, and stuff like that. Moreover, there are more stuffs to be done and more activities people want you to join and more expectations for you to reach. So other than stuffs that make you think you're bad and not cool and you are surrounded by things and people who are intimidating in any way you can think of, you have less time to think about how lucky you are to have this or that or how easy life is for you compared to some people or that nothing actually mattered.

And that is most of my problem.

I have less time to think about things that makes me happy and warm inside. I have less to be thankful (as stupid as it sounds). It's not like it takes a lot of time or anything, it's just... well. It seems like a lot of things are present for me to think about so sometimes I forgot to take a break and a deep breath (not to mention that most of that stuff doesn't really matter to me). And thus life seems like it's become harder and meaner than it was before and I can't stay happy as much as I used to.

But it doesn't have to be like that!

The truth is there is always a time, and there'll always be enough time! I just have to be better at sorting things to do or think so life doesn't feel like it has become more.... not fun.

Hmm. It will probably be easier if I realized what is it that I'm passionate about so, you know, the sorting part is much simpler.

But meh! This will do at the moment.