Suicides

(Some additions of this post are made after a conversation with someone.) 

(Yeah, that's you.)

I actually had a post about death and what I think about death for some time (by some time, trust me, it's a pretty old draft; with a lot of revision, 'course). But before anything, I want to assure you that I am not having suicidal thoughts or anything. It's just that... I think about death a lot. I played with the idea of dying--if I'm going to die young, or old. I played with the idea of death when I'm sick, when I'm bored, when I eat too much, when I eat at irregular times, when I'm in the middle of exam, when I want to sleep, when I'm hungry just before sleep, when people die, when people almost die--a lot of times. In my defense, I think it's perfectly normal for me--being a mortal being that I am--thinking about death on daily basis.

Anyway.

This post is not about death... well not particularly.

Okay maybe a little.

Ahem, anyway.

I saw a post about suicide in woods of Japan. The forest is beautiful, and I really think that it'd be nice if I died in a beautiful place like that. I then thought of other suicides--done in tall buildings... bridges...

I wonder if those places are beautiful. The forest is certainly beautiful, I think. Tall buildings... maybe seeing a bright blue sky ahead without feeling trapped by shadows of other skyscrapers is a pretty nice view before you die. Maybe the same with bridges. The sight of open spaces is calming, is it not?

But I think that's not always the case, if it's ever the case.

I just think it's a shame that when people think of ending their lives, it was driven not by the thought of, like, I don't know, deciding on what kind of place you'll have your last breath. Or what kind of sight you'll see. I mean, most people don't have that luxury because they never saw it coming. But for those who decided to kill themselves, isn't that the part of consideration? Where to die?

Why not pick somewhere beautiful, right?



And now that I think about it, I don't really understand why suicide is so looked down upon. Escaping and not taking responsibilities are bad, but just because most people kill themselves to do so doesn't mean the act of killing self itself is bad.

Well... maybe it kinda is, but it's not as bad as killing other people or inflicting harm towards others, right? Just--okay I'm not saying committing suicide is a good thing but the thing is,
a lot of people scared of dying.

A lot of people scared of death.

A lot of people scared of social exclusion, debt, being left by loved ones, and all that, but I think a lot more people scared of death.


So what I'm saying is: suicide need guts. To do so, you need courage. You need to be sure that you are capable of throwing everything you did for life. You need to be sure that you are ready to leave whatever you've got and will have. You have to be sure that NOTHING is worth living anymore. Because unlike wrong decisions or having no friends, being dead is not a condition you can revert when you changed your mind. It's really easy, I think, to come up with a reason to kill yourself. Some people just don't have enough motivation or guts to do that.



So in principle,
I think making a decision to commit suicide is no different that any other "life-changing" decisions.
Other life changing decisions are probably also driven by the same amount of determination, courage, or desperation--if not less.


So yeah.


But just to be clear:
I am not promoting suicide.
And no pun intended.

Go, Democracy!

Hallo! It hasn't been a while since my last post (so happy!) but you know, when I go back through my drafts (the four latest posts are all drafts that has been in archive for months or years or something) I remember that I didn't feel like posting them because I don't think they are worth posting at the time. I thought they were silly.

I see that it only needs time to see that some of it aren't.

And you know, now that I read my posts, I realized that... when I talked about stuffs that aren't life updates, I mostly talked about stuffs that are immaterial, am I not? Even more so, I personally think that I like to talk about the idea of self--the idea of emotions, feelings, attitudes, perceptions, blahblahblah. Things that some people deemed as unimportant.

I guess I write that sort of stuff because those things are what's important for me. Because those things bug me when they're left unwritten. But just like me, there are people who think their thoughts about politics or society are important so that's what they write. On the other hand, movies or writings or fictions in general are important and worth archiving for some other people. Or anything really. I know that some other people like talking or thinking about gender equality, or animal rights, or porn, or other whatevs and some people don't. Some people like other stuff better.

But that's not a big deal right? It's not like one is better than the other...

Or is it?
Is any of those preference better than the other?


I don't think so. It doesn't make any of them worse or better--just different.

Is different a bad thing?
Supposedly, no.


But I see that a lot of people think otherwise. There are people that think if it's impractical or "abstract" or "just" a form of expression then it sucks--philosophers and writers and artists are mere lazybums who talk and do stupid stuff but don't do anything important for society, they say. But when it's practical then it sucks too--engineers and politicians and whatnot are focusing on things that are artificial and unimportant, what's important it's what inside and what makes human human, they say. When it's reviewing stuffs it sucks too--blahblahblah you criticizing stuffs, just try when you make one on your own!

But sadly, differences aren't just exists in what people prefer to write.


We people are the same: we are all different. I believe that there is no single person that share the same physical features, and set of minds, and field of experience, and also views over everything.

And tell me...

..who in the world has the right--has the capacity--to judge one of which are better or "more important" than the other?





(Apparently, majority does.)

Moving On

You see, moving on is not about forgetting what's keeping you. It's to get rid of ill feelings that attached to it. So if you had a boyfriend and want to move on, you don't forget about him. You lose feelings you associate with him--feelings that shouldn't be there anymore. If you had a bad grade and you want to move on, you don't burn them down. You get rid of the grief and sadness and do better next time. If you were left behind and you want to move on, you don't erase traces of them.

I do too.

I am not forgetting, okay? I won't.

Moving on is not about not keeping pictures anymore, nor not telling stories about stuffs you want to move on from. It's not about pretending that nothing has changed either because things changed and it will always change--it's inevitable.

Moving on, for me, is not about stop loving, or missing, or remembering things that are nice or bad.
Moving on is knowing things changed and being fine with it.

And moving on has nothing to do with replacing things with other things. Or replacing people with other people.

Places in heart are special and they don't take second guests. There are no places in heart that are reserved for two (or three. Or four.). Once it's there then it's there forever. Fortunately, heart is a very vast place and it will always make room for new things and new people.



So move on.

Don't try to replace things because it's not going to work. And don't try to take up someone else's space in one's heart because they were never for you.

You got your own.
(That is, if you ever get it one's heart, but yeah.)

Because No One Really Wants To Be Alone "Alone"

Heyho everyone! I have a pretty hectic week recently, and sure there'll be more to come but yeah days are pretty hectic. It's just a week, or so, since I made my last post but since then I already have, what, a lot of to-do's on the list. Or not, since they're all've been crossed (proud). And I realized something!

To have someone you can depend on is a very wonderful thing.

..I wrote that correctly, right?

You see. Most people I know like to do their job.. alone. Individually. With a very reasonable and very understandable reasons, of course.

So that I can do whatever I like in my own pace, they say. So that I don't have to seek others approval to make an action, they say. So that I don't need to arrange meetings to settle whatever, they say.

As you see and as I put it, even though people enjoy having authority over their own job, people need... People need. Ugh. People need something, to depend on. Wait that's wrong.

I mean, that's right but putting it like that won't explain anything.

People need.. something to believe. People need to know that they won't mess things up, to know that there's something worth after all the trouble, to know that there are reasons not to die even if they messed up.

People need to know and remember, but sometime along the way, people usually forget.

They need reminders and sometimes it's a person.



(Or a cat)

Dealing with People Who are Pretty Annoying

I hate it when I happen to be angry or annoyed at anyone, because, well. It's unpleasant. I don't like it. I'm not easily annoyed or angry, but when I do, I don't like it.

But, years having to deal with that, I learned to ease it (or erase it altogether), so I don't feel annoyed or angry anymore! And that's what I'm going to share here. This is what I do when shrugging things off doesn't cut it anymore. Maybe it'll help you too! Well. That, if you need one.

When it happens with people I don't know; (rarely happens) I usually try to curse them in my mind, but then I thought about me being cursed by things I did. I shuddered at the thought. So I change my mind and try to curse their parents instead (for they brought this kid to the world and they suck at educating them). And then I feel sorry for them because maybe it's not their fault after all; maybe these people are bad by nature and their parents had tried their best to make them good but to no avail. A sad thought, but hey! I don't feel angry or annoyed anymore. 

When it happens with people I know, but not close to; (pretty often; usually trivial things but annoying anyway) I always think that I'm not being fair; that I think so because I don't know them well enough. That I'm annoyed because it was them who did it and it would be different if people that are close to me did the same. And I'll imagine so; imagine that the said action were done by people close to me. And then I'd thought, "Hey, what they did wasn't so bad after all". I won't feel angry or annoyed anymore.

When it happens with people I'm close to; (happens a lot, and usually because of pretty big and sensitive things) I try to imagine that they will die tomorrow. I try to imagine what life would be if they weren't here anymore. Usually I'd regret having the said anger or annoyance in the first place, that I love them too much to be bothered by those little things that make me angry or whatever. So yeah.

If those doesn't work, there are two alternatives (in which I very rarely did) I have in sleeve. And these two applies to every category I've mentioned.

First alternative, I tried to imagine that they will have a very gruesome and graphic death just in a blink of an eye, a punishment by God and a counter-attack by universe--a very awful death--one that makes me feel bad for them and instead of anger, I feel pity. 

Or, I would remind myself that I'm going to die sooner or later, that they actually don't matter but for a while. Nothing to be worked up about.

And voila!

I'm not angry or annoyed anymore!

Pretty simple right? I actually had a lot of thoughts to distract me from being annoyed or angry, but these are things that, well. I think will work for most people :] Or is it?